Sherlock and the Case of the Recommended Daily Dose

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Today was a big day for Sherlock. I checked in with him to see how he planned on congratulating himself. Knowing Sherlock, he would be celebrating with a couple of young (flexible) women…maybe a bottle of champagne…and a conveniently prepared hot tub just a few feet away. Imagine my surprise when he confirmed that he was in bed, but he was there ALONE.

“I’m sick” texted Sherlock.

“Yes, you are one sick puppy” I thought, but replied “Oh man, that’s too bad.”

He did inform me that he had gotten a text from a young woman who offered to be his sexy Candy Striper nurse for the day. “What was she offering and when will she be over?” I asked.

“She offered everything” Sherlock responded. “I passed.”

Many things in life have been accurately foreseen – the Mayans predicted the end of the world, Gene Roddenberry predicted warp speed as a reality, and Nostradamus predicted that Elmo would have a thing for underaged guys…but, no one saw that Sherlock’s libido could be struck down by a simple cold.

Hopefully, the only thing doing down on Sherlock tonight is his high fever!

Fred the Frugal Tooth Fairy

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This is not the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth. This isn’t even the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth today! This is about something more important – TOOTH MONEY!

For the past few days, Justin has been wiggling another loose tooth. Twice, we sat down to try and pull it out…but it just wasn’t ready. Two days ago, Justin walked up to me and said, “It’s time daddy.” I said ok, grabbed a tissue, and I positioned myself to yank out #24. (I am the son of a dentist. Random information like this is stuck in my brain.) Instead, he held out his right hand and stopped me. With his left hand, he reached into his own mouth and plucked the tooth out all by himself!  (Like a MAN!)

Now, it was Tooth Fairy Time. What you should know is that I gave Justin’s Tooth Fairy a name after Justin lost his first tooth. But GWE told me not to use that name because “it’s too silly and he’ll know it’s you (meaning, me) and he also knows your (me, again) handwriting.” Yes, I can be silly. However, I did not realize that our son had a degree in Graphology (the pseudoscience of Handwriting Analysis) and that he was prepared to use CSI techniques to uncover the identity of “The Tooth Fairy.” So the first note to Justin was nice and very generic.

This time, I gave The Tooth Fairy a name – Fred. Why did I name him Fred? Because everything in our house that gets named by us (minus the children) usually gets named “Fred.” Our fern is “Fred.” We have two fish: “Fred” and “Fred the Undead.” Plus, I’m pretty sure “Fred the Feces” was hiding in Garrett’s diaper this morning.

I finished “Fred the Tooth Fairy’s” letter to Justin and attached a five dollar bill. Patiently, I waited until I was satisfied that Justin was asleep before attempting to “take the tooth and leave the money.” (See below) Before I was able to “accomplish my mission,” GWE walked into the house. She approved of the note, but not of the money. She told me that five dollars was way too much and that a dollar should suffice. I disagreed. I thought five dollars was fine (although, still a little cheap.)

So, readers – I leave it to you! What is the right amount of money to leave a child when a tooth falls out?


This is the best sketch I have ever seen about Tooth Fairies!

‘Sup Shawty!

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Right now, there are six CDs in my car changer: 1) Mumford & Sons – Babel, 2) Project X – Soundtrack, 3) Maroon 5 – Overexposed, 4) Zack Brown Band – Caged, 5) Bruno Mars – Doo-Wops & Hooligans, and 6) Little Big Town – Tornado. As you can see, I like musical variety. I want Justin and Garrett to be exposed to as much great music as possible, but GWE and I were in complete agreement that (for the time being) I would not play Hip Hop or Rap while they are in the car. While I like it, I don’t want to have to explain some of the lyrics to Justin. The only Hip Hop album in my car right now is the soundtrack to “Project X.” Needless to say, I skip over Disc 2 whenever it comes up.

A few days ago, I was taking both kids to school and I needed to stop by the bank. I pulled in, left the car (and stereo AND AIR) on, and told Justin to watch his brother while I walked three feet away to use the ATM machine. Normally, this transaction only takes 30 seconds…but that morning, the ATM had a hard time reading my card. As I waited for the machine to read my card, I looked back to the car and saw Justin bobbing his head up and down like a metronome. A voice in the back of my head said, “I don’t remember him doing that before.” I assumed he found a song that he really liked. Sadly, I was right.

After almost two minutes of dealing with the ATM, I walked back to the car and heard a loud “thump, thump, thump, thump.” When I opened the door, I realized that Disc 1 had ended and Disc 2 (a disc he had not heard before) had begun. Justin was rhythmically moving his head to Pusha T’s “Trouble on my Mind.” I thought we were ok, until I heard:

Pardon my french, I’m going hard as my dick
When I envision my tip on the crust of bitch’s lips
Mr. Lipschutz has been trippin’ since I mentioned Reptar’s
Triceratops dinosaur dick

Once I heard “Triceratops dinosaur dick,” I thought it was time to go back to Maroon 5. As soon as I hit disc change, Justin yelled at me – “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! DADDY, I LIKED THAT!!!! GO BACK!!!!” I told him that he was not ready for that music yet and that he was too young. He begged….he pleaded….and I am weak. I went back to Project X in hopes of finding something more appropriate.

“Ok, Justin. Let’s try song number 2.” I said. All of a sudden we heard AMG yell out “BITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY!” In an effort to make it stop, I hit the wrong button and fast forwarded the song to:

This dick of mine ain’t friendly baby.

Will it hurt you…yeah maybe.

Once again, I quickly pressed the change disc button. I couldn’t take it. “NNNNOOO!!!!!! DADDY, I LIKED THAT SONG TOOOOOOOOO!!!!” I let this go on for almost 4 minutes. (Once again, because I am weak.) Thankfully, I pulled up to his school and let Justin out before he could “pop a cap in my ass.”

The Laws of Luck – Law #1

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Periodically, I’ve thought of some fatherly advice that I would like to bestow upon Justin and Garrett. Until now, most of these thoughts have passed without action. Many of these ideas are lost because the boys are too young to understand (and I can never find a pen and paper when I really need one!) So, I am adding a new section to GenXDaddy.com where they can read them in the future. Welcome to the “The Laws of (Pri)Luck.”

(The first one may be a little controversial. It is not meant to sway you politically or religiously. But, this morning I took Justin with me to vote because I wanted him to understand that someday this would be his civic duty. As we listened to the pundits on the radio before we arrived at the polling place, the following “Law” dawned on me:)

Law #1: Never believe anyone who tells you to love or hate something or someone because it’s “God’s Will.”

Boys – Maybe there is a God and maybe there isn’t. I don’t know. But, it has been my experience that anyone who passes judgment and justifies it as “God’s Will” as their only reasoning can be undone with one question: What are all Ten Commandments? You may be surprised to find that most people cannot list them all. According to recent data from a research group, 22 percent of Americans could not name even four of the Ten Commandments. (I’m attaching the list so you can see what they are.)

As you can see, nowhere on this list are any mentions of the (sometimes) controversial issues of bioethics, birth control, abortion, immigration, drugs, pornography, Global Warming, censorship, reproductive rights, taxation, gun control, racism, Creationism vs. Evolution, discrimination, homosexuality, gay marriage, etc. The list is pretty simple: love each other and don’t purposely hurt one another. (And to be clear, these concepts are the foundation of most religions. These are not just Judeo-Christian ideals.) All the other issues I mentioned earlier – you are supposed to figure out on your own!

As time goes on and you get older, you will make your own decisions as to where you stand on certain issues. (Boys – At no point in this posting have I actually told you what I believe and why. That is something we can talk about later…privately.) My advice is to use your head and your heart and some deductive reasoning when deciding – not the rantings of madmen who claim to know some “divine being’s” plan, but can’t remember his actual commandments!

I May Have Lost a Sister, But I’ve Gained Two Bergmans!

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This past weekend, we flew to Atlanta to celebrate my sister’s wedding. Shayna and her new husband, Jesse, had a beautiful, heartfelt, and joyous ceremony. At the reception, the music was fantastic, food was delicious, and the alcohol flowed….into my glass! It was truly an incredible evening.

As the older brother, it’s my sole job to make her life miserable and I had to get in one final shot before she morphed from “Priluck” to “Bergman” (much like when Dr. Jekyl turns into Mr.Hyde.) My speech is below:

November 3, 2012

Shayna and Jesse – Congratulations on such a wonderful event!

I know that Justin and Garrett would have liked to have been here this evening, but the truth is – our children are being held hostage back in the hotel room to ensure that I say nothing embarrassing about you or Jesse. But as I see it, you’re only getting married once and I can make more children – so let’s get to the good stuff!!

Here is what I’ve learned about Jesse and Shayna as this wedding and celebration have come together. I’ve learned that Jesse is so faithful to Shayna, that even during his bachelor party – there were no encounters with potentially naked women. None! However, I did see one pair of breasts. They were large and fake….and behind two feet of glass in a “Tribal” exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. We spent 45 minutes in the Butterfly enclosure and all I wanted was five minutes in the Champagne Room!!

And, Shayna (a vegetarian) is so dedicated to Jesse that she may allow him to eat meat (just once) in their apartment this year.   

Shayna and Jesse – we all see that you clearly love each other deeply and passionately. We knew it was only a matter of time for “Uncle Jesse” officially become “Uncle Jesse.” We knew that “Uncle Jesse” was going to become “Uncle Jesse” before “Uncle Jesse” knew he was going to become “Uncle Jesse.” 

Audra and I want you to remember every detail of this night. Spend time with your family and friends. Dance and drink and eat and enjoy this celebration….because marriage does not get better than this. No really, this moment is the best it will ever get. (Look at Watch) And….now that moment has passed. You will share wonderful moments and milestones together, but it will never be as good as tonight.

You may be asking yourself, “What about our anniversary? We’ll celebrate our anniversary each year.” Shayna….Jesse – every married couple in this room will agree with us when we tell you that your anniversary is not a celebration of your marriage, but rather – a thank you to your partner for not smothering you to death in the middle of the night with your own pillow. You will be giving each other gifts like the “I Apologize for Snoring this Year” bracelet of 2008 and the “I’m Sorry for Getting You Pregnant Again” earrings of 2011.

All joking aside, Audra and I love the both of you and know that you two belong together. Our hearts and our home are always open to you….and the “Auntie Shayna Bed” (now renamed the “Auntie Shayna/Uncle Jesse Bed”) is ready for whenever you visit. May you have a long, beautiful life together.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar (and Mr. Snickers and Ms. Skittles, etc.)

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I have determined that the sole reason to have children is so they can be our “Candy Minions” for Halloween. Time after time, we tell our children not to talk to strangers…and CERTAINLY not to take candy from them. But, for one night a year, not only do we send our children out to “Chase the Sugar Dragon” – but we MAKE them talk to strangers in order to get candy from them.

This year was the first year that Justin was able to do my bidding – well! I dressed him up, took him by the hand, and made him walk the cold, lonely neighborhood streets of Northridge, California. House after house, I made him knock on stranger’s doors asking for candy. We took note of who gave us handfuls of candy and who gave out just a few pieces. (God help those who ignored us this year! I’m a dad who buys my toilet paper at Costco. It’s 54 rolls of cheap, shitty paper that will hang in your trees for weeks! You have been warned!)

When Justin returned home with his bounty, I told him how proud I was of him. He managed to stay away from the Nekko Wafers, Butterscotch suckers, and anything with Coconut! He scored with “Squared” (not “Fun Sized”) Snickers and Milky Ways. He brought in bunches of Skittles, M&Ms (regular and peanut), Twix, Kit Kats, and more! I’m even fine with the package or two of Smarties that fell out of his bag.

My boy did good this year. Next year, we’re going to profile some other neighborhoods for bigger and better “Sugar Daddies (and Mommies).”