Live! Naked! Grills! (Not a Typo)

A few nights ago, we decided to leave both boys home alone. We felt confident that Justin could take care of himself and his younger brother for just a few hours while we had an evening with other adults. Not only did Justin meet my expectations, but he far exceeded them in a very classy way. Garrett, on the other hand, is barred from any and all electronics device in the house that have access to YouTube.

The evening began with me giving Justin one simple instruction: ‘Make sure you leave your cell phone on so I can contact you in case of an emergency and to let you know when the pizza is going to arrive.’ When the time came, I called him and his phone went directly to voicemail. He had clearly turned it off. That was the one thing I told him not to do! After three or four tries, I resorted to Alexa. I knew I’d be able to ‘Make an Announcement’ from my phone and the whole house would be able to hear me. Once he heard the announcement, he called me back. (There’s a reason he turned off his phone. I’ll get to that in a minute.) The rest of the evening was uneventful.

When we got home, Justin pulled GWE into his room for a brief conversation. I joined Garrett in the den and watched tv with him before I had to put him to bed. After speaking with Justin, GWE came up the stairs and told me that she needed to tell me something in private. I met her in our bedroom, and she proceeded to tell me this story, from Justin’s point of view:

Right after we left the house, Garrett ran upstairs to watch television and Justin went into his room. It didn’t take long for Justin to get bored, so he went to see what Garrett was watching. As soon as he opened the doors, Garrett quickly shut off the television and looked very guilty. Justin, realizing something was amiss, asked Garrett what he was doing. Garrett refused to tell him or hand over the remote. Justin spent several minutes trying to build up Garrett’s trust by promising not to say anything to us…and that’s why he offered to turn off his phone as a sign of good faith.

Once they had an agreement, Garrett handed Justin the remote. Justin turned on the TV and discovered what Garrett had been hiding. He had gone onto YouTube and decided to look up, “LIVE NUDE GRILLS.” That’s not a typo. That’s really how Garrett spelled it. Garrett was watching video after video after video of half-naked girls making out with each other. (By the way, the Parental Control were on and he was still able to watch this stuff.) In a very nice way, Justin reprimanded Garrett and told him that this was not appropriate for him to see and the he shouldn’t watch it anymore. Garrett agreed, in theory.

GWE and I were half hysterical/half horrified as she told me this story. Because our YouTube account is under GWE’s name, she was able to look up what he was watching. WOW!!! This is what it showed:

GWE and I agreed that YouTube needed to be removed from the family television in the den. It took me a few minutes, but I got it done. Several days have passed and Garrett has not mentioned anything about it. He must have noticed that YouTube is gone by now, but maybe the unsaid is better than the said.

While Garrett’s viewing habits were completely inappropriate and I am outraged…..I do have to give him credit for having excellent taste!

You’ve Got A Friend in Me

Who wouldn’t want to be friends with this guy?!?!?!?!

Garrett came home from camp in a foul mood. I heard him stomp through the front door, turn the corner, march into his room, and slam the door shut. I decided to give him a few minutes to calm down before approaching him. After about 30 minutes, I found him sitting on the sofa and gently asked, “Hey buddy. How was camp today?”

“Terrible,” he replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I inquired

He let out a long, audible breath and looked at me. “Fine. I had a terrible day because I asked ‘Sarah’ (not her real name) if she would be my best friend at camp and she said yes.” Confused, I replied, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

He continued, “…but then, her friend whispered in her ear and then she told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“Oh. I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” For a moment, we both sat in silence. He had vented and I was trying to determine what to do with the information. I could have gone with the theory of “Boys Rule, Girls Drool,” but that only goes so far. Ultimately, I chose honesty.

“Well, Garrett. Sometimes boys and girls (and grown men and women) like each other, but their friends get in the way.  If you like someone and want to be friends, you should tell them and don’t worry what their friends say. I’m sure it made Sarah feel good to know that you wanted to be her friend.” I suggested he try playing with her again the next day. If she wasn’t interested, that’s OK too.

He seemed satisfied with the answer and refocused on the video game he was playing. Garrett is clearly going to be OK. It’s Sarah’s loss…and Sarah’s friend will eventually be shunned by her friends because of her terrible judgement and gossipy ways. She will then grow old alone, spending her nights eating single-serving frozen dinners, and living with her 40 cats who will ultimately eat her face off when she runs out of cat food. (Is that too harsh? Not when you reject my son, it’s not.)

 





I Am “UNCLE” GenXDaddy!!

Sadie-3

We have a new addition to the GenXDaddy family! On January 31, 2015 at 5:30PM., my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. (My brother-in-law helped!)

 

In this corner, weighing in at 7 lbs, 14 oz with a length of 20.5 inches long and with a very full diaper – Sadie Bella Bergman!!

 

Hey Sadie – when you’re ready for your first scotch, cigar, and tattoo…come to Uncle Jason’s house! Cousin Justin, Cousin Garrett, Auntie GWE, and I are ready to corrupt you!

"Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!"

“Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!”





Things My Wife Told Me About My Son(s) #1

LeopardLast night, GWE was sporting a new pair of leopard print pajama pants. She asked me if I liked them and I responded that I did. She replied, “Good…because your son picked them out.”

 

GWE went on to explain that while she was deciding between leopard-print pajama pants and polka doted ones, she asked Justin which he preferred.

 

In a manner that can only be described as “America’s Next Top Model” judge meets 8-year-old with no verbal filter, Justin told her that the leopard print was more appropriate for her because she was “more of a ‘Roooaaaarrrr!’”

 

My son thinks his mom is “Fierce!”





I’m Batman (An Inappropriate Story)

Batman

Garrett has discovered Batman. He’s got the mask and the cape and he’s ready for action. I bust out laughing every time he puts on his costume and announces, “I’m Batman!!” One small problem: I’m not laughing for the reason he thinks I’m laughing. I’m in hysterics for completely inappropriate reasons.

Allow me to explain….

From this point on, my story is enormously inappropriate. It is not meant for mixed company or minors. Read at your own risk!

Fourteen years ago, GWE and I were on vacation in Europe with FoGWE and MoGWE. We were not married, we had no children, and our biggest conundrum was, “Do we sleep until 10:00am or 11:00am?” It was a magical time when we had few inhibitions and the word “sleep” was actually in our vocabulary. (Since the arrival of our children, I’ve been awake….since 2006.)

While on vacation, we spent a few days in Amsterdam. Like any true tourists, we wanted to experience the city. We had a picnic by the canals, toured the Anne Frank House, visited the Van Gogh Museum, and ended our evening at a sex show. Yep – a sex show!

At this point, you’re wondering “What does a child dressed as Batman have to do with this story?” Patience….

Feeling adventurous, GWE and I found a local “theater.” We paid our entrance fee and were escorted into a church lined with pews all the way to the stage. The stage itself had two levels. Both tiers were covered in red shag carpet and hanging over the center of the stage was a gigantic slanted mirror.

Just as we got seated, the lights dimmed and Prince’s “Bat Dance” from the 1989 “Batman” movie began to blast from the speakers. Amused and confused, GWE and I watched a young, blonde woman (who also looked amused and confused) “dance” onto the stage with a “Vicki Vale” dance. She was thin and boney, with a little extra skin. She looked like a hairless cat. She quickly disrobed and laid down on top of the tiered stage. Then, Batman appeared!

Batman was a 6’ 3” black man who wore a cape, a mask, and nothing else. With his “Bat-Boner” threatening to injure anyone in the first three rows of pews, he began to do a “Batman Dance” which included a move that can only be described as “Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.” This move was so funny, unexpected, and awkward that we still joke about it today and often imitate it when the mood strikes.

GWE and I turned to each other and began to chuckle as Batman continued to dance seductively while removing only his cape. The evening became more and more ridiculous as we continued to watch Batman “woo” his partner.

Finally, as the music was coming to an end, he climbed to the top of the stage (with Vicki laying at his feet) and he posed. At that point, someone flipped a switch and the top tier of the stage began to rotate like a Merry-Go-Round with Batman and Vicki Vale on top. They looked like a weird wedding cake decoration. GWE and I could barely contain our laughter.

And then, he impaled her. The evening went from “Ha, Ha, Ha” to “Holy Shit” very quickly. And, the mirror on the ceiling left nothing to the imagination. (A lot more happened, but none of it is relevant to this story.)

Never again would we be able to see Batman as an innocent comic book superhero. To us, he was now a strange masked black man who jiggled his “junk” to the sounds of Jack Nicholson screaming “This town needs an enema!!” in an attempt to seduce a half-asleep naked woman while trying not to bang his nuts (aka “The Dynamic Duo”) on the stage or fall off its “tilt-a-whirl!!”

And, that is why I bust out laughing every time Garrett jumps out wearing his cape and yelling, “I’m Batman!!”





The Greatest Pick Up Line…from a Three Year Old!

PoolWhile lounging poolside on vacation recently, Garrett found himself mesmerized by the baby pool surrounded by three waterfalls and two giant “geyser-like” structures that spit out water. As I stood by that pool, I watched him play in the pool, then play with the waterfall, then come back to the pool, then run over (and through) the geyser. This went on and on and on and on…..

 

However, Garrett’s attention was diverted the moment two girls walked over to play in the waterfalls. The girls were probably 10 or 11 and deep in conversation with one another. That did not stop Garrett from making an introduction. I watched as Garrett climbed out of the pool, walked over to the girls, and said, “Heyyyyyoooooooo, Ladies. I’m Garrett.”

 

The two girls turned their attention to Garrett for a moment, said “hello,” and then went back to their conversation.

 

Fearlessly, Garrett interrupted again. “I Garrett and I have something for you.”

 

“Oh?” replied the girls.

 

With a sense of confidence I do not possess, my son boldly decided to use his first pick up line. Garrett answered, “Yes, I have something that goes up and down.” (I assumed the worst.) He then paused for dramatic effect,”…..a garage!! My garage goes up and down!!” The two girls giggled and then walked away. For a moment, I watched him watch them walk away. I think he wanted to follow them, but he choose to stay with me.

 

It really was a good pick-up line. But, I think Garrett learned the most important lesson about trying to pick up women: “Daddy is a terrible wing-man.”