Spooning with Elmo (And Chica the Chicken)

It's not a "Pants Party!" It's just a little "Diaper Depravity!"
It’s not a “Pants Party!” It’s just a little “Diaper Depravity!”

Garrett does not believe in stuffed animal monogamy. He prefers to have two, three, and sometimes four stuffed animal partners in his crib with him at any given nap. I’ve walked in to find him asleep with Mickey sitting on his face and a stuffed penguin between his legs…while Pooh watches. Between the multiple partners and the constant napping, Greatest Wife Ever and I agree that it’s like living with a baby Hugh Hefner.

This past Sunday, GWE sent the me following text messages while I was out running errands:  

GWE: Garrett is currently having a crib party with “Hug Me, Elmo.”

Me: It’s not a party until they ask Chica (the Chicken) to join them!

GWE: Chica and Lotso (from “Toy Story 3”) are in there too! The squeals are hilarious.

ME: Afterwards, it’s going to be the “Diaper Change of Shame.”

GWE: Someone just banged their head against the wall, or Elmo possibly got thrown out. Not sure.

Me: Elmo likes it rough!

GWE: I can still hear Elmo talking, Garrett is grunting.


GWE: Elmo just said “that’s too tight!.” OMG!!

Me: Hahahaha

GWE: When do I go in there and get Elmo? Garrett will never go to sleep.


GWE: Now Garrett is singing-talking and making “H” and “Heese” sounds. All kinds of sounds….

GWE: “Ooh Ooh!! Ooh Hhh!”

GWE: Lots of squealing again.

GWE: Now singing deed um be dee bedum de dee be de bade bade ba da bee…

GWE: Okay, Elmo has left the room, unhappy Garrett.

And that is how GWE broke up Garrett’s “Crib Courtship and Consummation.” I’d be unhappy too if my mother barged into my room and kicked out someone I was playing “Tickle Me” with!

Are We Having The Sex Talk Already?!?!?

JustinWhile on the way to school, Justin decided to ask the following question: “Daddy, why is ‘sexy’ bad?” After choking on my coffee and swerving into oncoming traffic, I was able to quickly re-compose myself. I calmly and eloquently replied, “WHATTHEHUH???”

Mentally, I began preparing for, “Well….when a mommy and daddy love each other…” – but I was saved at the last minute from having that conversation when Justin finished his thought – “Daddy, we were singing a song in chorus and the teacher changed the word from ‘sexy’ to ‘pretty.’ She said she changed it because ‘sexy’ was a bad word.”

Two questions immediately came to mind: 1) What the hell were they singing in chorus?!? And, 2) How do I explain “sexy” to a 6 year old?

Honestly, I was unprepared for this question and I did the best I could with what little I had. “Well, Justin – ‘sexy’ is not a bad word. It’s a word that older people use to feel good about themselves and their friends. It’s only meant for grown-ups. And most importantly, you won’t ever have to worry about that word on your spelling tests.” He actually looked relieved when I said that.

IRONICALLY, as I pulled into the driveway at his school to drop him off, James Brown’s “I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine” started playing on the radio (from my iPod.) I cranked it up, began doing “The White-Man’s Overbite” dance from my seat and (with some help from the Godfather of Soul) I told him to have a great day (“HIT ME!”)…to learn a lot (“GOOD GOD!”)…and to leave the ‘sexy’ to me! (AAARRGHHHHH!!!!)


"Lord of the Flies"

“Lord of the Flies”

What turns bright, well-mannered, and socially extroverted Kindergarten and First Grade children into a swarm of BAT…SHIT…CRAZY maniacs? The answer is simple: “Recess!”

Early last week, Justin asked if I would come to his school for lunch. GWE explained that it was Teacher Appreciation Day and they were looking for parent volunteers to watch the children while the teachers had a private, special lunch. I didn’t have a conflict in my calendar, so I told Justin I would be there.

It was only supposed to be one hour – 12:30pm to 1:30pm. How hard could that be???

I arrived at the school just as the teachers were dropping the children off in the play area. Justin’s teacher waived goodbye…and then quickly disappeared. Three moms and one dad (me) were left to watch over the (what felt like 300-ish, but probably only 50) Kindergarten and First Grade students. I witnessed a formerly docile playground turn into “The Lord of the Flies” meets “Planet of the Apes.” (“Get your hands off of me you damned, dirty children!!!“) These kids were fueled by the sugar rush of the lunches they just ate and the pure adrenaline of recognizing their own freedom, in addition to knowing that there was not a single teacher in sight. If it’s been awhile since you’ve witnessed playground politics and the social hierarchies among children under 10 years old – it’s truly eye-opening!

I was exposed to many things over the course of an hour…

1) I discovered that my son has two girlfriends. They both know about each other and they are not jealous of one another. Sometimes they all play together and sometimes it’s one on one. I actually saw the girls negotiate with each other as to who got Justin and when. (To “Future Justin” – I don’t know how you managed to do this, but I hope you are able to keep this skill! It will be useful in college.)

2) “Name-calling” hurts, at any age. Several children asked me for my “real” name. (To them, I’m “Justin’s Daddy.”) Justin quickly answered on my behalf with, “His name is ‘Super Diaper Head!'” And, then the children began to chant, “You’re name is Super Diaper Head…You’re name is Super Diaper Head!” I stood strong as long as I could. Finally, I cracked…”My name is Jason.” It then became a challenge among the children – “Who would be the first to call a fellow student’s parent by their real name?” One little girl took the challenge. She walked right up to me and said, “Hi Jason!” as if we were old friends. Her friends were in awe.

3) Justin’s best male friend might be an athletic genius. He asked me if I would play “Hand Ball” with another group of children (including Justin.) I told him that I would be happy to, but I didn’t remember the rules. He would have to remind me. This child began to instruct me and his friends on the elaborate rules of a new game he had created that can only be described as “WallBallFallCrawlMaulBrawl, YA’LL!” I shit you not…this game was so interesting that I may have to steal the idea and create my own league for adults. It was THAT good!

4) In an open playground, where nothing is hidden, children will still find a place to hide…thereby scaring the shit out of the adult who is supposed to be supervising them. Justin and some of his friends decided to play “Hide and Seek.” I was unaware that the rules to this game have been updated since I last played. If you are the one hiding, you are now allowed to move locations as long as you are not seen. I did not know this. As I began to rule out certain hiding spots while looking for a little girl, I began to panic because there were not that many places left for her to hide. As it turns out, she “relocated” to a place I had already checked. To lose sight of your own child is scary. To lose sight of someone else’s child will send you into a panic mode like no other. I think she got bored waiting for me to find her because she finally jumped up from behind the trash can and screamed “I’M OVER HERE!!!!” Needless to say, she won!

There were a few hundred more things that I witnessed over the span of that one hour. Somehow, time seemed to slow down. What was supposed to be an hour, felt like a week. Many of the things I witnessed could be written off as “Child’s Play” and some of the things I witnessed will haunt me forever. Regardless, these children are our future and their teachers aren’t making nearly enough money!!!

My Kid Is On The List. I Am Not.

Justin and Gio

Justin and his buddy, Gio!

If you’re a follower of this site, then you know that I’m doing my best to keep my kids from becoming “Hollywood Kids.” What is a “Hollywood Kid?” It’s a child whose parent(s) work in the entertainment industry and therefore have access to parties, celebrities, and “perks” that a normal child (or adult, for that matter) would not have access to. There is a difference between going to a kid’s birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese and taking your kid to the premiere of the latest Disney movie.

A few weeks ago, GWE mentioned that she had an invite to attend the Hall of Game Awards that were being hosted by Cartoon Network. The invitation was also being extended to Justin because GWE’s friend was bringing her son as well. Since it was going to be a kid friendly event, I had no issues with Justin attending.

The morning after the event, GWE showed me the pictures she had taken. The first was a picture of my wife standing next to Shaquille O’Neal. He had his arm around her like she was his prom date. Just look at his hand!! I turned to her and commented, “You know what they say – once you go Shaq…” She was not amused.

Audra and Shaq

GWE (with my possible replacement!)

The next 20 – 30 pictures were of Justin playing in the hotel’s “pre-event” waiting room, riding on a bus to the airplane hanger/sound stage, hanging out with celebrities, playing games, and having a fantastic time. There is even a great picture of him with a celebrity his size! Here he is with Sam Gordon – the 9 year old football phenom. (Check her out here!)

Justin and Sam

Justin found a girl who knows how to “score!”

I walked over to Justin and asked, “Did you have a good time at the show yesterday?” He nodded and then uttered the five words I was hoping I would never hear from my 6 year old, “The Post Party was awesome!”

“Oh…Crap.” I thought.

The first time I heard the term “Post Party” was when I was a 20 year old assistant at a small talent agency. I was invited to a film premiere by a young starlet who brought me to her film’s “After Party” and then lured me to a “Post Party” at a massive house in the Hollywood Hills. I was young and stupid and didn’t understand that the purpose of a “Post Party” was for all of the ‘cool kids’ to be able to continue to party in ways that the general public probably would not approve of. It’s one thing when you know what you’re about to get yourself into. It’s a little different when you unexpectedly find yourself at the crossroads where “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” meets “Caligula.” Ok….from what I remember – it really was a fun night.

It was now 17 years later and I found myself sitting next to my six year old son who was still recovering from the sensory overload of a high octane party that included pumping music, blinding strobe lights, a never-ending candy buffet, and a celebrity smorgasbord. That was his “post party.” I kept thinking to myself….I hope he likes the cold weather because I’m about send him to the East Coast where he can spend the next 13 years living with his Aunt and Uncle and far away from the influences of Hollywood!!

I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this Blog tonight…

Each of us have “defining moments.” These are the moments when something so profound happens to us that we are affected for the rest of our lives. For example, I remember the moment I met my wife. That was a “defining moment” because it affected so many other things (including the creation of other, smaller human beings many years later.) Another “defining moment” of mine was the moment I decided not to get into a car with some friends from high school during my junior year because I didn’t trust the driver. l discovered that they were involved in a car accident later that afternoon and I could have been seriously injured – thereby, possibly affecting (or ending) what could have been.  I also remember the “defining moment” of hating a job and a boss so badly that I knew I had to take control of my own career.

I would like to present you a moment in Justin’s life that could be considered a “defining moment.” Let’s call this moment “Dancing with Mommy.” How could an innocent moment dancing with mommy to a video game affect the rest of his life? Well, let’s see….

Based on what I witnessed, Justin either has the potential to discover that he could be a great dancer like Gene Kelly or Mikhail Baryshnikov….or, my wife has just taught our son how to ‘shake it’ for screaming women and dirty money like he was “Magic Mike.” (By the way, the sound of destruction coming from the background is Garrett…giving his stuffed animals a lap-dance!)

I was leaning towards the classier end of the dancing spectrum until I witnessed my son do “The Moonshine!”  You decide!

Magnet Mania!

More magnets have arrived for the Man Cave!
Mag1This is from GWE and it’s from the Margaritaville Casino in Las Vegas. One of the problems with being related to me is that you must (by default) become a “Parrothead.” I’ve got two little Parrotheads in training and it’s nice to have a visual reminder in the Man Cave! “Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame”…but, since there are no girls allowed in the Man Cave – it’s kinda difficult to assign blame like that!

Mag2These wonderful magnet additions are from MoGWE and FoGWE. It’s been a little too cold recently to add them to the Man Cave, but they will be going in before the end of the week!!

Thanks again, and keep the magnets coming!!