I’m Batman (An Inappropriate Story)


Garrett has discovered Batman. He’s got the mask and the cape and he’s ready for action. I bust out laughing every time he puts on his costume and announces, “I’m Batman!!” One small problem: I’m not laughing for the reason he thinks I’m laughing. I’m in hysterics for completely inappropriate reasons.

Allow me to explain….

From this point on, my story is enormously inappropriate. It is not meant for mixed company or minors. Read at your own risk!

Fourteen years ago, GWE and I were on vacation in Europe with FoGWE and MoGWE. We were not married, we had no children, and our biggest conundrum was, “Do we sleep until 10:00am or 11:00am?” It was a magical time when we had few inhibitions and the word “sleep” was actually in our vocabulary. (Since the arrival of our children, I’ve been awake….since 2006.)

While on vacation, we spent a few days in Amsterdam. Like any true tourists, we wanted to experience the city. We had a picnic by the canals, toured the Anne Frank House, visited the Van Gogh Museum, and ended our evening at a sex show. Yep – a sex show!

At this point, you’re wondering “What does a child dressed as Batman have to do with this story?” Patience….

Feeling adventurous, GWE and I found a local “theater.” We paid our entrance fee and were escorted into a church lined with pews all the way to the stage. The stage itself had two levels. Both tiers were covered in red shag carpet and hanging over the center of the stage was a gigantic slanted mirror.

Just as we got seated, the lights dimmed and Prince’s “Bat Dance” from the 1989 “Batman” movie began to blast from the speakers. Amused and confused, GWE and I watched a young, blonde woman (who also looked amused and confused) “dance” onto the stage with a “Vicki Vale” dance. She was thin and boney, with a little extra skin. She looked like a hairless cat. She quickly disrobed and laid down on top of the tiered stage. Then, Batman appeared!

Batman was a 6’ 3” black man who wore a cape, a mask, and nothing else. With his “Bat-Boner” threatening to injure anyone in the first three rows of pews, he began to do a “Batman Dance” which included a move that can only be described as “Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.” This move was so funny, unexpected, and awkward that we still joke about it today and often imitate it when the mood strikes.

GWE and I turned to each other and began to chuckle as Batman continued to dance seductively while removing only his cape. The evening became more and more ridiculous as we continued to watch Batman “woo” his partner.

Finally, as the music was coming to an end, he climbed to the top of the stage (with Vicki laying at his feet) and he posed. At that point, someone flipped a switch and the top tier of the stage began to rotate like a Merry-Go-Round with Batman and Vicki Vale on top. They looked like a weird wedding cake decoration. GWE and I could barely contain our laughter.

And then, he impaled her. The evening went from “Ha, Ha, Ha” to “Holy Shit” very quickly. And, the mirror on the ceiling left nothing to the imagination. (A lot more happened, but none of it is relevant to this story.)

Never again would we be able to see Batman as an innocent comic book superhero. To us, he was now a strange masked black man who jiggled his “junk” to the sounds of Jack Nicholson screaming “This town needs an enema!!” in an attempt to seduce a half-asleep naked woman while trying not to bang his nuts (aka “The Dynamic Duo”) on the stage or fall off its “tilt-a-whirl!!”

And, that is why I bust out laughing every time Garrett jumps out wearing his cape and yelling, “I’m Batman!!”

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