This past weekend, we flew to Atlanta to celebrate my sister’s wedding. Shayna and her new husband, Jesse, had a beautiful, heartfelt, and joyous ceremony. At the reception, the music was fantastic, food was delicious, and the alcohol flowed….into my glass! It was truly an incredible evening.

As the older brother, it’s my sole job to make her life miserable and I had to get in one final shot before she morphed from “Priluck” to “Bergman” (much like when Dr. Jekyl turns into Mr.Hyde.) My speech is below:

November 3, 2012

Shayna and Jesse – Congratulations on such a wonderful event!

I know that Justin and Garrett would have liked to have been here this evening, but the truth is – our children are being held hostage back in the hotel room to ensure that I say nothing embarrassing about you or Jesse. But as I see it, you’re only getting married once and I can make more children – so let’s get to the good stuff!!

Here is what I’ve learned about Jesse and Shayna as this wedding and celebration have come together. I’ve learned that Jesse is so faithful to Shayna, that even during his bachelor party – there were no encounters with potentially naked women. None! However, I did see one pair of breasts. They were large and fake….and behind two feet of glass in a “Tribal” exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. We spent 45 minutes in the Butterfly enclosure and all I wanted was five minutes in the Champagne Room!!

And, Shayna (a vegetarian) is so dedicated to Jesse that she may allow him to eat meat (just once) in their apartment this year.   

Shayna and Jesse – we all see that you clearly love each other deeply and passionately. We knew it was only a matter of time for “Uncle Jesse” officially become “Uncle Jesse.” We knew that “Uncle Jesse” was going to become “Uncle Jesse” before “Uncle Jesse” knew he was going to become “Uncle Jesse.” 

Audra and I want you to remember every detail of this night. Spend time with your family and friends. Dance and drink and eat and enjoy this celebration….because marriage does not get better than this. No really, this moment is the best it will ever get. (Look at Watch) And….now that moment has passed. You will share wonderful moments and milestones together, but it will never be as good as tonight.

You may be asking yourself, “What about our anniversary? We’ll celebrate our anniversary each year.” Shayna….Jesse – every married couple in this room will agree with us when we tell you that your anniversary is not a celebration of your marriage, but rather – a thank you to your partner for not smothering you to death in the middle of the night with your own pillow. You will be giving each other gifts like the “I Apologize for Snoring this Year” bracelet of 2008 and the “I’m Sorry for Getting You Pregnant Again” earrings of 2011.

All joking aside, Audra and I love the both of you and know that you two belong together. Our hearts and our home are always open to you….and the “Auntie Shayna Bed” (now renamed the “Auntie Shayna/Uncle Jesse Bed”) is ready for whenever you visit. May you have a long, beautiful life together.