Sherlock: The Case of “What Happens in Vegas…”

holmesMany of you have been asking, “What’s going on with Sherlock?” Excellent question! So, I asked him…and he happily told me.

Several weeks ago, he was on Tinder when a pretty young woman contacted him. After a few conversations and some harmless flirting, she suggested that he meet her in Las Vegas for the weekend. He playfully continued their chat, but she repeated her offer to have him join her. Additionally, she told him that she was a Flight Attendant and that she could take care of his plane ticket and hotel room…should he end up needing one. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

With some skepticism, Sherlock accepted her offer. He had just enough time to roll out of another woman’s bed, get home to shower, eat, feed his pet, and grab some clothing before he raced over to the airport….where there really was a plane ticket waiting for him.

He flew to Las Vegas where he met (let’s call her) “Venus – The Vegas Vagina.” According to Sherlock, he was happily surprised how pretty and sane she was……and then they went back to her hotel room where the only “Strip” he saw was hers and the only gambling he participated in was “Do I wear one condom or two?” The following morning, he grabbed a few Gatorades, headed to the airport, and flew back to Los Angeles….just in time to meet another “date.”

Here’s the difference between Sherlock and GenXDaddy: Sherlock can leave at a moment’s notice to get laid. GenXDaddy cannot. I can’t walk out the door without first making sure I have at least one child, backup diapers, wipes, a bottle of water, an iPod/Kindle/3DS, a portable wi-fi device so a child can play with his iPod/Kindle/3DS, a jacket, some tissues (after a baby booger check), and then an extra 15 minutes so Garrett can pretend to play “driver” in my car seat.

Plus, no woman is flying me out of town to meet her for sex! Not even my wife – and she likes me!

So, to Sherlock I say – If you’re getting flown out of state for your “services,” you might want to start charging for it!

Sherlock: Finding Nemo’s Booty

holmesWhile coming out of a restaurant on Saturday morning (wife and kids in tow), I heard the “text message” alert from my cell phone. As I was holding Garrett, I casually pulled my phone out of my pocket and noticed that “Sherlock” sent me a picture. I unlocked my phone, enlarged the image, and was shocked to find (what I assumed was) a picture of Sherlock’s “Conquest” from the previous night. I began to laugh uncontrollably when I saw what was going on in the background: (I cropped the original picture to make it more “Family Friendly.”)


“This is NOT P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney!”

I quickly flipped the phone around to show GWE and she began to laugh out loud as well.

Justin saw both GWE and I laughing while looking at the image on my phone. Even though it was CLEARLY inappropriate for children, he wanted to know what we saw. Both GWE and I felt it was not right for him, so we assured him that “he wouldn’t find it funny” and “it wasn’t right for someone his age.”  He was insistent and demanded to know what was on the phone. So, I….maybe….kinda…..sorta….caved.

After the 1000th “please show me the picture,” I turned to GWE and said, “Just show it to him. It’s not that big of a deal.” (It’s at these moments when I imagine a tiny attorney with a stack of paperwork and a Mont Blanc pen appearing out of nowhere to indemnify my wife from all of my stupid decisions.) Taking no ownership of this decision all the while giving me the “This-Will-Be-Your-Fault” judgmental stare, she handed Justin the phone. It took him a minute and then he began to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

I thought it would be wise to return an image to Sherlock to show him how these images were corrupting my family (and getting me….and now Justin… trouble!) I told Justin to give me his best “Surprised Marlin” look. This is what we sent back to Sherlock with a note: “You’ve just ruined my son’s childhood.”

JustinSherlock’s response was, “Yes, but started him on a path to a great adolescence!”

As an addendum to this story, I called Sherlock and said “I only have one question: Why the hell was your date watching “Finding Nemo” while getting dressed after a night of debauchery?!?!?!” I’ve heard of people having a cigarette after sex. I even know a guy who has to eat a grape popsicle after sex. (Freud would have a field day with that one!) But, NEMO?!?!?!” He laughed and told me that it wasn’t actually a picture that he took. The pictures he did take….those can’t be shared.

The Sex Evite


Don’t think of this blog post as “edgy” or “controversial.” It is meant as a marital aide and should be considered a public service. If you have young children, any libido left after dealing with young children, and you and your spouse can’t find the time or energy to “git ‘er done,” then I am here to help! (At least, that is what I keep telling myself!)

My wife will read this and laugh on the inside while “evil-eying” me on the outside. I also expect MOGWE to privately send me an email suggesting that I might be over-sharing. My friend “Sherlock” (who has nothing BUT sex stories) will stop reading…right…about… Single people don’t want to hear about their married friends having sex. To them, it’s like hearing about their parents doing it.

But, this isn’t about “having sex.” This is about “attempting to have sex.” Let’s be honest, we’re all adults here. I have two kids, so I’ve had sex twice in my lifetime. My wife, on the other hand, is still a virgin and as pure as the driven snow!

Like most married couples, we’re exhausted at the end of the day. Between long hours at the office and even longer evenings juggling the kids’ homework, dinner, bath times, changing diapers, taking out the trash, last minute laundry and dishes, and reading just one more chapter of “Captain Underpants” – the last thing either of us wants to do is a little “wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

A few weeks ago, I came up with a brilliant idea – “The Sex Evite.” After receiving the 700th Evite to a kindergartener’s birthday party, it dawned on me that this could be put to much better use! I went onto Evite to see what my options were for “Romantic Interlude.” Evite had nothing even remotely risqué. I perused every single template and it just didn’t seem right to send an X-Rated Evite that was covered in duckies, bunnies, or Elmo. I finally settled on the disco ball themed invite because nothing says “Hot Sex in 2013” like a disco ball from 1978!

I added the “who,” “when,” and “where” to the invite and finally titled it “Time for a Pants Party (Or, a Party in our Pants.)” Feeling pleased with myself, I hit send. In less than five minutes, GWE responded that she would be in attendance. (However, she later confessed that she had not read the Evite carefully and she thought that the “Pants Party” was actually referring to a clothing “sample sale.”) Once I clarified what she had rsvp’d for – she (luckily) did not change her response.

I’m pleased to say that The Sex Evite worked. With an Wi-Fi connection, a little planning, and a locked and fortified bedroom door, we were able to find the time to “Dance the Matrimonial Polka.”

I wonder what else I can Evite my wife to do! Hmmm……..

Sherlock and the Case of the Shoplifted Pootie

holmesDuring a moment of honesty, Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) turns to his star client and confides that while he likes a woman he’s been dating, he’s “hanging in there” because he really enjoys spending time with her kid. Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) stops him and responds: “I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mother.”

Sherlock has now come close to shoplifting not one, but two pooties at the same time!

Just before the holiday break, Sherlock called to tell me about two women he’s been casually seeing. Both are from out of town. Both are single mothers. And, (shockingly) both know-“ish” about each other! To make a very, very, very long and complicated story short – Sherlock invited both women (who happened to be in town with their kids at the same time) to a popular amusement park. While one mother took all the children on a ride, Sherlock and the other mother would spend some “quality time” together. When the supervising parent returned, the women would switch…thereby allowing for mommy #2 to get her fair share of Sherlock. Somehow, Sherlock, the mommies, and the unsuspecting children successfully left the park satisfied and no one’s feelings were hurt.

I’m a father with two children. The only way I know when it’s time to leave an amusement park is when someone’s feelings are hurt!!! I don’t know about other parents, but nothing about going to an amusement park with screaming children, expensive ticket prices, long lines, souvenir demands, meltdowns, tantrums, sugary spasms of deliriousness, and sugary crashes of depression are a turn-on! At no point have I ever been amorous while chaperoning my children around a theme park. I’m too focused on not losing a child in the crowd or not having my child get decapitated on a ride that hasn’t been properly maintained since before I was born!

If GWE ever pulled me aside to have her way with me at Disneyland, I’d think she was suffering from some delusion. There is no possible way for a parent to be aroused while forcing your way through a sea of a million screaming children. (Gee – I wonder how sperm do it.) If GWE did feel the need to touch me in a theme park, it’s because she’s actually rummaging through my pockets looking for loose change or she’s so dehydrated that she is attempting to twist off my head in order to drink me like a bottle of Diet Coke!

Single people can leave a theme park “satisfied.” Married people with kids leave a park thinking one of two things: 1) “Why did we have so many kids?” and/or 2) “This would have been much more fun without the children!”

Yet somehow, Sherlock managed to demonstrate that it’s a small (and perverted) world after all!

Sherlock and the Case of the Recommended Daily Dose

Today was a big day for Sherlock. I checked in with him to see how he planned on congratulating himself. Knowing Sherlock, he would be celebrating with a couple of young (flexible) women…maybe a bottle of champagne…and a conveniently prepared hot tub just a few feet away. Imagine my surprise when he confirmed that he was in bed, but he was there ALONE.

“I’m sick” texted Sherlock.

“Yes, you are one sick puppy” I thought, but replied “Oh man, that’s too bad.”

He did inform me that he had gotten a text from a young woman who offered to be his sexy Candy Striper nurse for the day. “What was she offering and when will she be over?” I asked.

“She offered everything” Sherlock responded. “I passed.”

Many things in life have been accurately foreseen – the Mayans predicted the end of the world, Gene Roddenberry predicted warp speed as a reality, and Nostradamus predicted that Elmo would have a thing for underaged guys…but, no one saw that Sherlock’s libido could be struck down by a simple cold.

Hopefully, the only thing doing down on Sherlock tonight is his high fever!

Sherlock and The Case of Too Many Play Dates

If you’ve been a follower of this blog, then you know about my friend “Sherlock.” Every dad has a “Sherlock” in his life. He’s the single, male friend who somehow manages to have (and happily tell you stories of) the debaucherous sex life that you were never able to have  – even when you were single!

A few days ago, I checked in with Sherlock to see if he had any interesting stories for me. He sent me a text he had recently received from a girl: “”I do want to see you, don’t think I don’t but lately I’ve been having crazy hours at work… Just know that this week won’t end without my lips tasting yours .” I told him that this was pretty pedestrian and I could get this from my wife. He needed to step it up!

Several days later, I got another text from him at 10:30 in the morning. He had partially redeemed himself. It seems as though he had a “guest” spend the night after an evening of poolside cocktails. At some point, she told him that she was “closed for maintenance,” however…um…how can I put is delicately….uhhhh….she informed him that she was happy to have him “plant his flag on the dark side of the moon.” (I really could not find a nicer way to say it. I’m sorry, but I tried.)

And, while that does earn him a (very dirty) gold star – it’s the next texts from him that I found impressive. He was still in the process of waking up from the previous night’s adventure and he was telling me about the lunch he was off to with his French lesbian friends who wanted to hook him up with their French straight girlfriends. And then the bastard sent me pictures….pictures I cannot share with you.

I’ll put this in a way only dads will understand: “He was getting ready to go to a play date to discuss future play dates while still on a play date!”