You get a Toy and You get a Toy!!!

Posted on Sep 29, 2013 by Jason

I can’t be sure if I bought their love or their temporary silence.

On Monday, I’m an enthusiastic parent who has the best of intentions. By Friday night, I’m exhausted and my parenting skills have eroded to the point of, “You want to play in the middle of the street? Whatever, just take your brother with you.”

This week has been particularly exhausting for a number of reasons. When I picked up the boys from each of their schools, I thought I had enough energy to cook them dinner. After five minutes of Justin telling me a story in his loudest voice possible and Garrett screaming for Elmo (“MELMO!!! MELMOOOO!!!) while kicking my seat, I thought – “Maybe I’ll order in.”

For the next four minutes, I was hammered with questions from Justin: “Can we stop at Target and get a toy?” No. “Can we eat at Burger King?” No. “Can we just see if there are new toys at Target?” No. “Can we get a small toy from Burger King?” No. “Does mommy need anything from Target?” No. “Don’t you like Burger King?” No. And like a parrot, Garrett kept yelling “YEAH!” after Justin asked each question. (He’s too young to understand what Justin was asking, but it didn’t matter. He understood that it was them against me.)

On the fifth minute, they broke me. I don’t know if it was the barrage of questions or the yelling or the crying out for “MELMO!!,” but they successfully performed a Verbal Waterboarding. My intention was to feed them good food and reward their great week without gifts, but by simply playing with them. That’s not how the evening ended.

The evening ended with new toys from Target, Kid’s Meals from Burger King, and yet another notch on my Parenting Failure list.

Are We Having The Sex Talk Already?!?!?

Posted on Sep 25, 2013 by Jason

While on the way to school, Justin decided to ask the following question: “Daddy, why is ‘sexy’ bad?” After choking on my coffee and swerving into oncoming traffic, I was able to quickly re-compose myself. I calmly and eloquently replied, “WHATTHEHUH???”

Mentally, I began preparing for, “Well….when a mommy and daddy love each other…” – but I was saved at the last minute from having that conversation when Justin finished his thought – “Daddy, we were singing a song in chorus and the teacher changed the word from ‘sexy’ to ‘pretty.’ She said she changed it because ‘sexy’ was a bad word.”

Two questions immediately came to mind: 1) What the hell were they singing in chorus?!? And, 2) How do I explain “sexy” to a 6 year old?

Honestly, I was unprepared for this question and I did the best I could with what little I had. “Well, Justin – ‘sexy’ is not a bad word. It’s a word that older people use to feel good about themselves and their friends. It’s only meant for grown-ups. And most importantly, you won’t ever have to worry about that word on your spelling tests.” He actually looked relieved when I said that.

IRONICALLY, as I pulled into the driveway at his school to drop him off, James Brown’s “I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine” started playing on the radio (from my iPod.) I cranked it up, began doing “The White-Man’s Overbite” dance from my seat and (with some help from the Godfather of Soul) I told him to have a great day (“HIT ME!”)…to learn a lot (“GOOD GOD!”)…and to leave the ‘sexy’ to me! (AAARRGHHHHH!!!!)

Lightning McQueen’s Hit and Run…Away From Daddy

Posted on Sep 9, 2013 by Jason

When Justin was a younger, his grandparents bought him a Lightning McQueen car that he could drive. He loved it, but I think he only drove it a couple of times because the jolt of speed scared him. For a while, Lightning stayed in the living room and then it was moved to the shed. Finally, it found a home outside under a tarp. I assumed it would be there until the day we moved.

One afternoon while playing in the backyard, Garrett discovered the Lightning McQueen car and wanted to play with it. I pulled Lightning over to the back patio, cleaned him off, and watched as Garrett squealed while climbing in and out of the driver’s seat. As great as Garrett thought this toy was, he had no idea it moved! I re-attached the battery and instructed him to put his foot on the grey petal and then…he was OFF!! He loved it, but had no idea how to use the steering wheel. That didn’t matter to him. He was driving!

A few weeks after Garrett discovered his love for driving, I had to take the trash out. Garrett followed me outside and I watched as he climbed into his car. After a few minutes of hearing Lightning say, “Speed? I am Speed!” and “Ka-Chow,” I heard Garrett hit the petal. The next thing I heard was “CRACK”……..”SPLASH!!!!!!!”

I quickly turned around to see that Garrett had driven his Lightning McQueen car into the main PCV water pipe for the sprinkler system, thereby snapping it in half. I saw a geyser of water shoot straight into the air and then rain down on top of Garrett. The look on his face was a mixture of confusion, fear, and the shocking realization of being hit by cold water. I immediately raced over to him, scooped up his soaking wet body, took him into the house (after yelling for GWE to help,) and then turned off the main water valve to the house.

Who needs a tow truck? Not this guy! I’ll push it to the body shop!

What started out as a calm Saturday morning ended up costing me $300 in plumbing fees, several hours without working toilets, and a scraped fender on (what used to be a mint condition) 2009 Lightning McQueen!

So, now I have questions- why did Garrett refuse to take the breathalyzer at the scene of the accident? (Was he drinking nonfat milk or was he drunk on 2% again?) And more importantly, will Garrett’s insurance cover my property damage???

Sherlock: Finding Nemo’s Booty

Posted on Aug 5, 2013 by Jason

While coming out of a restaurant on Saturday morning (wife and kids in tow), I heard the “text message” alert from my cell phone. As I was holding Garrett, I casually pulled my phone out of my pocket and noticed that “Sherlock” sent me a picture. I unlocked my phone, enlarged the image, and was shocked to find (what I assumed was) a picture of Sherlock’s “Conquest” from the previous night. I began to laugh uncontrollably when I saw what was going on in the background: (I cropped the original picture to make it more “Family Friendly.”)

“This is NOT P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney!”

I quickly flipped the phone around to show GWE and she began to laugh out loud as well.

Justin saw both GWE and I laughing while looking at the image on my phone. Even though it was CLEARLY inappropriate for children, he wanted to know what we saw. Both GWE and I felt it was not right for him, so we assured him that “he wouldn’t find it funny” and “it wasn’t right for someone his age.” He was insistent and demanded to know what was on the phone. So, I….maybe….kinda…..sorta….caved.

After the 1000^th “please show me the picture,” I turned to GWE and said, “Just show it to him. It’s not that big of a deal.” (It’s at these moments when I imagine a tiny attorney with a stack of paperwork and a Mont Blanc pen appearing out of nowhere to indemnify my wife from all of my stupid decisions.) Taking no ownership of this decision all the while giving me the “This-Will-Be-Your-Fault” judgmental stare, she handed Justin the phone. It took him a minute and then he began to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

I thought it would be wise to return an image to Sherlock to show him how these images were corrupting my family (and getting me….and now Justin…..in trouble!) I told Justin to give me his best “Surprised Marlin” look. This is what we sent back to Sherlock with a note: “You’ve just ruined my son’s childhood.”

Sherlock’s response was, “Yes, but started him on a path to a great adolescence!”

As an addendum to this story, I called Sherlock and said “I only have one question: Why the hell was your date watching “Finding Nemo” while getting dressed after a night of debauchery?!?!?!” I’ve heard of people having a cigarette after sex. I even know a guy who has to eat a grape popsicle after sex. (Freud would have a field day with that one!) But, NEMO?!?!?!” He laughed and told me that it wasn’t actually a picture that he took. The pictures he did take….those can’t be shared.

“That’s All I Need, Daddy!”

Posted on Jun 21, 2013 by Jason

As I stopped at the gas station this morning, I opened the back door and discovered a collection of toys, stuffed animals, kids’ clothing, baby wipes (new and used), a musical instrument, a video game to a Nintendo 3DS, an instruction packet (to another game I’ve never heard of,) two “sippy” cups (one with old milk….or new cottage cheese,) one sock, a Zooble, and two cars seats filled with “Lexus Trail Mix.” What is “Lexus Trail Mix” you ask? Old Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, raisins, crunchies, gummy bears, and what are either dead grapes or blueberries. (I’m still not sure which.)

It dawned on me that both of my sons have turned into “The Jerk.” When going for a ride in the car, they don’t need anything – except this, that, and the other thing. All it made me think about was this scene:

Did I Misunderstand that Whole “Car After Graduation” Thing????

Posted on Jun 13, 2013 by Jason

It’s true. Sports cars make men look sexier!

What do you get the kid who graduates Kindergarten? An Aston Martin, right??? (I’m not getting him the Bugatti Veyron until his Middle School Graduation.)

The day after Justin graduated Kindergarten, I got a call from Aldis Hodge. He wanted to know where I would be in one hour. I told him that I was working from the house while watching Justin. He responded, “I’ll be right over.”

Exactly one hour later, I heard an engine “growl” in my driveway…then stop…and finally, there was a knock at my front door. As I opened the door, I saw Aldis Hodge wearing a gigantic smile. In his hand was a key-less, automobile “key.” And finally, sitting in my driveway was one of the most beautiful pieces of machinery ever built – an Aston Martin DB9 Volante Convertible.

To make a long (and potentially self-incriminating with regards to Child Protective Services) story short, I slid into the driver’s seat while Justin sat on Aldis’ lap in the passenger seat. With a great amount of caution (and a quick review of my auto insurance policy), I revved the engine and backed out of the driveway. Together, we cruised the neighborhood in style! (Clients are always welcome to come to my home…as long as they roll up in style!)

“Hey Justin….Let’s not tell mommy about this. Ok?”

I’d like the thank Aldis for bringing this beautiful masterpiece to my house! By parking that car in my driveway, he single-handedly made me look cool to my kid, raised my property value, and potentially made me a target for a neighborhood burglary. Thanks buddy!

To Live and Dad in LA

Adventures in Being A Dad

Category Archives: In the Car