50 Shades of Lego

My wife gazed at me longingly, but with a sense of urgency. We locked eyes. Slowly, she leaned toward me and seductively whispered, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

Now – where do you think my wife said these magical words?

  1. A romantic, candle-lit dinner for two,
  2. After a few drinks at a party, or
  3. On the Choo-Choo at Legoland’s Duplo Village Playtown while our two year old acted as “Train Conductor.”

Let me give you a hint: “All Aboard!!”


Sherlock: Finding Nemo’s Booty

holmesWhile coming out of a restaurant on Saturday morning (wife and kids in tow), I heard the “text message” alert from my cell phone. As I was holding Garrett, I casually pulled my phone out of my pocket and noticed that “Sherlock” sent me a picture. I unlocked my phone, enlarged the image, and was shocked to find (what I assumed was) a picture of Sherlock’s “Conquest” from the previous night. I began to laugh uncontrollably when I saw what was going on in the background: (I cropped the original picture to make it more “Family Friendly.”)


“This is NOT P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney!”

I quickly flipped the phone around to show GWE and she began to laugh out loud as well.

Justin saw both GWE and I laughing while looking at the image on my phone. Even though it was CLEARLY inappropriate for children, he wanted to know what we saw. Both GWE and I felt it was not right for him, so we assured him that “he wouldn’t find it funny” and “it wasn’t right for someone his age.”  He was insistent and demanded to know what was on the phone. So, I….maybe….kinda…..sorta….caved.

After the 1000th “please show me the picture,” I turned to GWE and said, “Just show it to him. It’s not that big of a deal.” (It’s at these moments when I imagine a tiny attorney with a stack of paperwork and a Mont Blanc pen appearing out of nowhere to indemnify my wife from all of my stupid decisions.) Taking no ownership of this decision all the while giving me the “This-Will-Be-Your-Fault” judgmental stare, she handed Justin the phone. It took him a minute and then he began to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

I thought it would be wise to return an image to Sherlock to show him how these images were corrupting my family (and getting me….and now Justin…..in trouble!) I told Justin to give me his best “Surprised Marlin” look. This is what we sent back to Sherlock with a note: “You’ve just ruined my son’s childhood.”

JustinSherlock’s response was, “Yes, but started him on a path to a great adolescence!”

As an addendum to this story, I called Sherlock and said “I only have one question: Why the hell was your date watching “Finding Nemo” while getting dressed after a night of debauchery?!?!?!” I’ve heard of people having a cigarette after sex. I even know a guy who has to eat a grape popsicle after sex. (Freud would have a field day with that one!) But, NEMO?!?!?!” He laughed and told me that it wasn’t actually a picture that he took. The pictures he did take….those can’t be shared.

The Sex Evite


Don’t think of this blog post as “edgy” or “controversial.” It is meant as a marital aide and should be considered a public service. If you have young children, any libido left after dealing with young children, and you and your spouse can’t find the time or energy to “git ‘er done,” then I am here to help! (At least, that is what I keep telling myself!)

My wife will read this and laugh on the inside while “evil-eying” me on the outside. I also expect MOGWE to privately send me an email suggesting that I might be over-sharing. My friend “Sherlock” (who has nothing BUT sex stories) will stop reading…right…about…..now. Single people don’t want to hear about their married friends having sex. To them, it’s like hearing about their parents doing it.

But, this isn’t about “having sex.” This is about “attempting to have sex.” Let’s be honest, we’re all adults here. I have two kids, so I’ve had sex twice in my lifetime. My wife, on the other hand, is still a virgin and as pure as the driven snow!

Like most married couples, we’re exhausted at the end of the day. Between long hours at the office and even longer evenings juggling the kids’ homework, dinner, bath times, changing diapers, taking out the trash, last minute laundry and dishes, and reading just one more chapter of “Captain Underpants” – the last thing either of us wants to do is a little “wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

A few weeks ago, I came up with a brilliant idea – “The Sex Evite.” After receiving the 700th Evite to a kindergartener’s birthday party, it dawned on me that this could be put to much better use! I went onto Evite to see what my options were for “Romantic Interlude.” Evite had nothing even remotely risqué. I perused every single template and it just didn’t seem right to send an X-Rated Evite that was covered in duckies, bunnies, or Elmo. I finally settled on the disco ball themed invite because nothing says “Hot Sex in 2013” like a disco ball from 1978!

I added the “who,” “when,” and “where” to the invite and finally titled it “Time for a Pants Party (Or, a Party in our Pants.)” Feeling pleased with myself, I hit send. In less than five minutes, GWE responded that she would be in attendance. (However, she later confessed that she had not read the Evite carefully and she thought that the “Pants Party” was actually referring to a clothing “sample sale.”) Once I clarified what she had rsvp’d for – she (luckily) did not change her response.

I’m pleased to say that The Sex Evite worked. With an Wi-Fi connection, a little planning, and a locked and fortified bedroom door, we were able to find the time to “Dance the Matrimonial Polka.”

I wonder what else I can Evite my wife to do! Hmmm……..