Bathtub Commuter Garrett


Garrett got a bath this evening. After he gets cleaned, he likes to have a few moments of privacy in the bathtub to collect his thoughts and play with a few toys. He forbids me from being in the bathroom with him for this portion of the “evening cleansing,” so instead I folded laundry 10 feet away from him in the bedroom. This is what I overheard him say:

“Hi! Oh, you want to get on the airplane? Ok. Yes….uh, huh. That’s interesting.”

Honestly, it was a little weird to hear this conversation coming from the bathtub. It sounded like he really was talking to someone. And then, he said the weirdest/funniest thing:

“Huh! When did YOU start flying commercial?”

Apparently, my 4 year old is very judgmental of other peoples’ flying habits….. from his bathtub!

I’ve Been Called Worse

Thanksgiving-at-Woodcrest-6We’ve all had moments when there is an opportunity to appear cooler than we actually are, but then something unexpectedly happens and our lack of coolness is revealed to those exact people we were trying to impress. This is one of those stories.

If you’ve been a follower of this blog, then you know that I represent some recognizable actors, writers, and directors. One of my clients happens to be one of Justin’s favorite characters on a show that was recently cancelled. Occasionally, you can still catch it in reruns.

One afternoon, Justin was in my office when I needed to call this particular actor to go over scheduling for an upcoming appointment. (I usually keep work and family separate, but this was one of the few times I didn’t mind crossing that line…because I thought it would make me look cool in front of my son.) As I was dialing the phone, I quickly explained to Justin who I was calling. I told him that I would put the call on speakerphone so he could hear the actor’s voice, but he was forbidden from making any sounds. Excitedly, Justin agreed.

The phone rang once.

The phone rang a second time.

On the third ring, the client picked up the phone and in a jovial manner exclaimed, “WHAT UP, BITCH!?!?”

I have to give Justin credit. He was dying of laughter, yet managed to keep silent…even as he fell to the floor in hysterics. My moment of cool was gone. Karmically, I probably had it coming.

I maintained my professional demeanor, responded with, “Hi there! How are you?” and pretended like my son didn’t just hear me get called “bitch” by someone he’s a huge fan of.

Justin’s Understanding of Women


Justin and his lady friends!

While sitting at lunch on Saturday, GWE was explaining to Justin what her plans were for the rest of the day and how he would be included. The following conversation really happened: (The dialogue is courtesy of GWE.)

GWE: “Hey Justin, you are gonna come with me to UCLA Alpha Chi for my song workshop. Except the ladies who will be there are from the University of California San Diego! They are visiting Los Angeles for the weekend! Isn’t that exciting?”

Justin: “So okay, Mommy, do they speak a different language?”

GWE: “No, honey, they speak English.”

Me: “Hey Justin, all women speak a different language.”


Garrett and HIS lady friends!

“Say My Name”

CarThe most interesting fight broke out between Garrett and Justin the other day. The fascinating thing was – neither were wrong. The argument was about this one simple question: “What is my name?”

It began while riding in the car (as always) with Justin leaning over and whispering into Garrett’s ear, “Garrett, did you know that daddy’s name is Jason?” Garrett turned to him and gave him a look of absurdity and responded, “No, it’s not.”

“Yes! Daddy’s name is Jason.” Justin announced again, feeling slightly intellectually superior to his younger brother.

“NO…IT’S….NOT!!” yelled Garrett. “IT’S DADDY!”

“Yes, but his REAL name is Jason,” clarified Justin.

“NO….NO….NO….IT’S NOT!!! Daddy’s name is daddy! YOU SHUT UP!” screamed Garrett as he tried to defend my honor.

Justin did not like being told to shut up. Especially, from his younger brother. In an attempt to ‘one-up’ Garrett and deliver more shocking news, Justin continued with, “And, mommy’s name is Audra.”

Garrett, being of limited vocabulary and having had enough of his brother’s bullshit, made the following declaration: “MOMMY IS MOMMY. DADDY IS DADDY. AND NOW I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.”

Justin thought it was funny…until Garrett followed through with his threat. A fist was thrown, contact was made….and “Down goes Frazier!! Down goes Frazier!! Down goes Frazier!!”

There’s nothing quite like dropping off two screaming, crying children at camp carpool as they continue to yell at each about the important issues in life….like, my name.


I love you very much

Bear3No other words have the power to melt your heart or betray your trust like the words, “I love you very much.” Especially, when coming from your own child.


Several weeks ago, Garrett started telling us that he “loved us very much” as part of his bedtime routine. Each time he said it, it felt special and unique. It was a great way to end the day. I would reply by giving him a tremendous hug and whispering in his ear that I loved him very much as well. This was our thing and it melted my heart each time he said it.


It was special….until Chip, Dale, and Teddi Barra from the Country Bear Jamboree entered our lives!!! (Well, technically, our brunch!)


For the past few years, we’ve taken the boys to the Mother’s Day brunch at The Grand Californian at Disneyland. It’s a fun event and they have a couple of characters wandering around the restaurant to hug and play with the children.


Garrett saw Teddi first and ran up to him to give him a huge hug. And then I heard him say, “I love you very much!” Huh?!?! Ok, probably just a fluke, I thought. I’m big and furry. Maybe he mistook the bear for me.



30 minutes later, Chip came by our table. (Maybe it was Dale. Doesn’t really matter.) Once again, Garrett ran up to Chip to give him a hug and said, “I love you very much.” What?!?!? He just gave the love meant for me to another fuzzy stranger??


30 minutes later, Dale came by. (Maybe it was Chip. Maybe it was Chewbacca. I dunno. They all look alike when you’re on a sugar high from eating too many Mickey Waffles.) Again, I heard my son profess his love to someone other than me.


Feeling scorned, I wanted to lash out. I wanted to whisper in Garrett’s ear about how Walt Disney was anti-Semitic, how those characters will never love him back, or worse – none of those characters are real!! I wanted to, but I didn’t.


Yes, I understand that a 3 year old doesn’t really understand the concept of love. Hell – I’ve met 40 year olds who don’t understand the concept of love. But, it was just one of those things that caught me off guard.


As I tucked him back into bed that night, he stood up to give me a hug. And then, he said those magical words: “I love you very much.”


Honestly, it was as special as it was the first time.

Justin Can Read Texts. We’re all Screwed.

TextingJustin was sitting next to me while I was texting with my sister. While I cannot remember what the context of the conversation was, I do remember ending the conversation with “Where else can you bury a dead stripper?”

It’s safe to say that the conversation was innocent. If I really needed advice on where to bury a dead stripper, I’m certainly not asking my sister. She’ll only ask me 1000 Human Resource questions to better understand my conflict with the stripper. (“How did you feel you managed your relationship with the stripper? Could you have found a way to communicate better with her?”)

Back to the story…

What I didn’t know was that Justin was reading my texts while I was typing them. He reads well…but, not fast. I noticed that Justin got quiet after I sent the text. After a few minutes he turned to me and asked, “Dad, why would you need to bury a dead SLIPPER?”

I took a moment to weigh the lesser of two evils. Do I tell him that he miss-read my text and then explain what a stripper is…and then why you might need to bury one? Or, do I explain why I would bury a slipper? I went with option two.

“Well, Justin…sometimes you might need to bury a slipper because it smells bad.” I answered.

And, if you think about it – the answer I gave could work for either “stripper/slipper” scenario.