Category Archives: Gross

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid!

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Justin recently got the gift of “Piddlers – Toilet Targets.” These are tiny pieces of colored styrofoam that you toss into a toilet and are used as an aid for peeing. It’s supposed to help the child “aim” for the water. If you’ve ever seen my son pee – you know that this is the perfect gift for him because he has the aim of Stevie Wonder. Justin likes to “weave” back and forth while peeing. He splashes the back of the seat then hits base of the bowl and then over to the wall and maybe a little sprinkle or two on the toilet paper roll and then finally – a few dribbles on the front of the seat…..all the while looking at everything BUT the toilet bowl.

If I have to accidentally sit on his pee again, I am going to make him piss in the yard for a week!!

So, for the past week, we’ve been tossing “Piddlers” into the toilet to get Justin to aim for the bowl. They come in three colors: yellow, pink, and purple. At this point, he will only use the purple ones. For some reason, purple must “die the death of Justin’s hot urine!” However, there is one small problem with the product. They don’t flush well. I’ve seen the styrofoam go down the drain only to reappear back in the bowl a few moments later.

The Piddlers that resurface have a new opponent – ME! That’s right! If Justin can’t get them down, it’s up to “daddy” to finish the job! I should be ashamed to admit all of this, but I’m not because my aim has gotten much better!

Thanks Piddlers!!

The Grossest Invention Ever

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What you are looking at is a picture of my wife actually sucking boogers out of my son’s nose.

Garrett has been sick for the past couple of days with conjunctivitis and a separate “baby cold.” I will admit that when the conjunctivitis began, I panicked. GWE was out of the house dealing with another family emergency and I was left alone with both kids. I decided to wake Garrett from his nap when I noticed a green, liquid “eye booger” in the corner of his left eye. As I wiped it away, I noticed that his eye was actually swollen shut and green pus was oozing out. I allowed myself a moment of hysteria in thinking that I had somehow blinded my son. All I could think about was the beginning of the Ray Charles story when he could see as a child, and then his eyes began to ooze, and then he was a blind prodigy. While my wife is kind and understanding, I doubt – “Hey honey – I blinded our son, but he can play the piano now!” would have been something she could have forgiven me for.

Needless to say, after a few conversations with the doctor and a prescription, his conjunctivitis is gone.

However, his cold lingers and his nose is stuffed up. We originally used a nasal aspirator, but the doctor has now advised against this because it “irritates the glands.” What you see in the picture above is the NEW way to remove boogers from your child. One end goes into the parent’s mouth and the other goes into the child’s nose….then, you suck HARD!! I’m not kidding. You actually suck out boogers. (There is a filter in-between Point A and Point B, but still….you are sucking out a booger.)

I have pleaded with my wife not to suck too hard. His skull is still soft and I’d hate for anything other than boogers to come out.

 

Baby Sabotage

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As a father, I have recently been accused of “Baby Sabotage.” By definition, “BS” is when one parent is fully aware that the child they are passing off to another adult is either a) about to cry hysterically due to hunger, b) about to spit up, or c) about to poop/pee. In “BS,” it is against the rules to notify the other party that the child they are about to receive has an immediate need. That would be no fun!

Imagine getting a soda, shaking it violently, handing it to your thirsty friend, and then watching it explode all over them as they open the can. That is “BS!”

In the future, if I hand you my baby and then run in the other direction….I will have most likely “BS’d” you! Enjoy!

I Am Not a Tissue

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Justin and I were running a little behind schedule yesterday morning. It was already 10:30am by the time we got to school and Justin had missed playing on the playground, snack time, and most of “Circle Time.” We arrived just as the other children were being asked one by one to line up at the door to go to the “neighbors” (senior facility). I felt bad that Justin had missed most of the morning’s activities, but such is life with a two month old at home!

Since we had just walked in and Justin still had his jacket on, I immediately turned him around and positioned him at the door so he could be the “Line Leader.” Slowly, the other children fell into line right behind Justin. As they got ready to go outside, I could see that there were certain cliques of children talking amongst themselves. They were only mildly aware that an adult, who was not their teacher, was in their classroom.

Generally, I don’t like to just drop off Justin and leave. I prefer to take a few minutes to “hang out” with him before I go – and yesterday morning was no different. I got a chance to spend time with him in the front of the line and just chat. While Justin and I were at the front of the line having a conversation, he leaned over and wiped his nose on my shirt. I thought it was particularly gross and said, “Justin – I….am….not….a….tissue.”

One of the children miss-overheard what I said and announced to the rest of the class – “HEY EVERYBODY – JUSTIN’S DADDY IS A TISSUE!!” All of a sudden, (and in an effort to make the movie “Contagion” come true) every child in that classroom ran up to me and wiped their slimy faces on me. I was attacked by the wet noses and drooling mouths of eighteen little zombie-monkey-petri dishes!!!

I’m pretty sure that my shirt is now “Patient Zero” for a new virus!!

Only One of Us Feels Better Now

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This picture was taken last night. It’s taken me 24 hours to come to terms with being violated in such a disgusting manner. Garrett ERUPTED after a feeding and blasted me on the chest, neck, ear, chin, and leg.

The first blast was gross. Justin happened to be in the room and he burst out laughing. The second blast was more forceful and reminded me of the “Dancing Waters” fountains in front of the Bellagio Hotel. The third (and final) blast concerned me to the point where I imagined Max Von Sydow in the corner of the room flinging holy water at Garrett while screaming, “I CAST YOU OUT, DEMON!!”

I need another shower!