Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt


Never before in the history of the world has a piece of art been so accurately described by its own name: “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.” This masterful piece of art (and the honor of naming it) came from the imaginative mind of my 3 year old son.

While at an early Father’s Day Brunch, Garrett was presented with a little packet of art supplies. Once he was finished with his ½ bagel, 6 whole strawberries, 8 donut holes, juice, and then MY ½ bagel, Garrett decided to let his creative juices flow. We opened the packet of art supplies and he started to place them on a Superhero certificate.

Garrett insisted that the clothes be glued to the cardboard first and then he wanted the person’s naked body to be glued on top of the clothing. Afterwards, he applied the mask, cape, and lightning bolt. One final piece fell out of the supply bag…a red, curved thing. Honestly, I had no idea where it was supposed to go. Garrett make the creative decision for the both of us.

When the project was done, I held it up and asked Garrett to name it. With a furrowed brow and his fingers gently tapping his chin, he assessed the artistic merits of his work. Finally, I could see that he had an epiphany. He turned to me and said, “I’m calling it “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.””

I now present to you, “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.”

Daycare Provider or Serial Killer?



Occasionally, there are things that happen which I have chosen not to write about. The reasons range from “it’s a long story” to “it’s too embarrassing” to “it would be unfair to point out the utter stupidity of someone who can’t defend themselves.” Garrett has been through 3 daycares in 6 months and I have chosen not to write about any of it. If I shared those stories, we’d be here for a week – and Child Protective Services would have certainly been called.

However, after sharing this particular story with another parent, I felt confident that I could tell you what happened without specifically naming names.

Several weeks ago, we were highly encouraged by a childcare professional (who had been working with Garrett) to visit a specific daycare. She was adamant that we would love the program, love the daycare providers, and it would meet all of Garrett’s needs. This school was supposedly “the best” and we would be lucky to get in. GWE spoke with the director of the school who informed her that they don’t do private tours, but we could be added to a future group tour. GWE accepted.

When we arrived, GWE and I were welcomed to the school and brought into one of the classrooms where a group of parents had already begun to gather. Most were moms. I was one of two dads. When the director was ready to begin, she asked us all to sit in a semi-circle as she and her mother sat facing the parents. The director was in her mid-50’s and her mother (who founded the program) was in her 80’s. Happily, the two of them began extolling the virtues of their school. They talked about the importance of morning transitions, the tactile experiences the students would have, and all of the other opportunities they would provide. (I’ve been through these speeches a number of times now. After 2 kids and 3 daycares, my “Daycare Bullshit” detector is pretty accurate.)

And then, the oddest thing happened. While the director was talking, the older woman interrupted her and said, “Ok, let’s start the songs!” I thought she was kidding. She was not. Together, the mother-daughter team told the parents that they would need their participation as they began to sing two children’s songs. But they were songs no one had ever heard before. I looked around the room to see the other parent’s (including my wife’s) reactions. Most of parents went along with the request (probably because they were told that this was The Best and they couldn’t get in and thought “Maybe if I sing and participate, they will accept my child.” I don’t know for sure.) GWE reluctantly sang along, but she is happy for any opportunity to sing! I mumbled along all the while staring down the director with a look that said, “ARE YOU F#$%$@@ KIDDING ME?!?!?”

As a side note, there were no children in the room. Well…..that’s not entirely accurate. Two parents brought their children, but the director made it perfectly clear that children were NOT welcome to this meeting. That’s correct – the child care provider did not want children in the room meant for childcare. Begrudgingly, the children were encourage to “go and play in the corner.” (Yea…. wrap your head around that for a moment.)

Once the songs were done, they proceeded to give the parents a 45 minute guided tour of their facility. When the tour was over, we were asked to return to the room we started in for final questions.

But, before the questions could begin… was F#$%$@@ SONG TIME AGAIN! I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. They insisted that the parents sing two more songs. I turned to my wife and whispered in her ear, “I’m done. There is no (very long combination of bad words) way I’m sending my child here.” She agreed and we excused ourselves to leave.

I waited until we were in the car before sharing my thoughts….loudly and uncensored. After I was done, I once again turned to my wife and rhetorically asked, “Do you know who sings children’s songs when there are no children around? Serial killers and HAL 9000 from the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey!!” And, he killed his whole crew!!!”

“Daisy, Daisy / Give me your answer, do. / I’m half-crazy / all for the love of you……”

As an addendum, they called a few weeks later to tell my wife that Garrett had been accepted into their program. GWE politely declined the invitation. However, I really wish she had done it to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Old MacDonald Had Some Boobies

CleavageRecently, Garrett began doing something new during his bedtime routine. GWE would lay him down in the crib while singing, “Old MacDonald had a Farm.” As she rubbed his back, he would start to wiggle his butt and call out animals that he wanted to hear the sounds of. GWE happily obliged by oinking like a pig and mooing like a cow. After hearing GWE sing about 4 or 5 verses with different animals, I decided to join in.

“Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!

And on that farm he had some…”

I blanked. I could not think of an animal found on a farm, nor could I think of a sound it would make. I had “Farmer’s Block.” So, I blurted out the first thing I could think of: “BOOBIES!” Immediately, I had Garrett’s attention. GWE glared at me with a look of “Oh, you must be kidding me!”

“Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!

And on that farm he had some….BOOBIES. E-I-E-I-O!”

And then I had to quickly think of what “Boobies” sounded like. Once again, my mouth betrayed my true nature and revealed my inner 12 year old. I began to make the sound of “Motor-Boating” in the next verse.




Old MacDonald had some BOOBIES. E-I-E-I-O!!!!!”

This new verse must have agreed with Garrett because he began to chant, “AGAIN!! AGAIN!!” I did the Boobies verse three more times that night. And, he has requested that verse MULTIPLE times every single night since it began. We have horrified young and old alike with our revised version of this song. GWE has warned me that Garrett was going to go back to daycare with another bad habit he learned from Daddy.

Today, Garrett and his nanny went to a music class at Gymboree. Afterwards, she emailed my wife with the following message:

We sang Old MacDonald in class and immediately after it was over, Garrett looked at the instructor (who was rather buxom) and shouted “BOOBIES!” Everyone laughed. Kids say the darnedest things, right?”

GWE immediately sent me the following message: YOU ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE.


Daycare Diaries – 1/14/14

free-day-care“Garrett sat nicely during circle time while Teacher Lisa read, “Mr. Brown Can Moo? Can You?” Garrett rode a bike and went up and down the large structure in the classroom and outside. Garrett also drew a picture and wants to mail it to his mommy.”

I’m starting to suspect that Garrett is having more fun at daycare than I am having at the office.

The Return of The Daycare Diaries (For Garrett)

free-day-careNow that Garrett has “graduated” into the Teddy Bear Room at his daycare, I’ve begun to notice that his daily review sheets have become much more informative. What once was “Garrett ate and napped,” has now become more of a narrative as to what he did during the day. Honestly, I’m really beginning to think that the best year of life is age 2. Who wouldn’t love to have their day consist of playing outside, greeting your friends, and having someone read you stories?? This kid has got it made! Take a look:

12/12/13 – Garrett went up and down the inside slide and he sat during circle time. Outside, he played in the house and tried to climb out from the windows. He went over to the gate saying, “Hi!’ as people walked by.

12/16/13 – Garrett sat on Teacher Sheri’s lap during circle time while she read a book. Garrett climbed up the large structure in the classroom. He loves to go down the slide on his tummy.

12/17/13 – Garrett sat and looked at a book. He rode a bike and put sticks through the fence. He climbed through the hula hoops on the large structure. He went down the slide and went to the neighbors. He also listened to Christmas music played by the bell choir.

Here’s what my day consisted of: “Jason worked.”

Who had the better day? (Answer: Garrett)

How to Play “Clue” (The Garrett Edition)

Who? Me?

Who? Me?

When I was a kid, one of my favorite board games was “Clue.” The premise was simple: Correctly identify the murderer, the murder weapon, and the murder location.

It was a thrill to correctly guess, “Professor Plum, with the lead pipe, in the library!”

We also had a version of this game in college where you would have to correctly identify the co-ed, how far she was willing to “go,” and where she was willing to do it.

The best I ever got was (name withheld), who liked to (act withheld), in the (location withheld.)

This game has taken on a whole new meaning now that Garrett is at daycare. The school has a policy of notifying both sets of parents if there is an “incident” among two students. Periodically we get calls from daycare that begin, “Garrett’s fine, but…” and then we are told about a biting or shoving incident.

For GWE and I, this has now become a new version of “Clue!” The revised rules are: 1) Correctly identify the child who instigated the behavior, 2) Correctly identity the behavior, and 3) Correctly identity the location of the incident. You get extra bonus points if you can correctly identify what on the other child was injured!

On Thursday, GWE got a call from daycare and before she was able to start the conversation I whispered to her: “Garrett, in the toddler room, with his teeth. And for the bonus points….Um…..on Colin’s arm.” GWE struggled to keep a straight face as she spoke with Garrett’s teacher. (FYI – I was wrong. It was Garrett, on the playground, on the stairs, with his teeth on the child’s back.)

We’ve been playing this game for a few weeks now. It’s much more difficult than you could possibly imagine!!