Category Archives: Kindergarten

Holy Post-Impressionism, Batman!!

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Last night, while doing his homework, Justin asked me to help him. One of the tasks was to draw six bats for Halloween and then color each of them brown. Justin was unsure of how to draw a bat and he asked for me to draw one first so he could see how it was done. Luckily, I had my laptop open and I Google Imaged Batman’s crest. I grabbed a piece of paper and pencil and I began to draw (what I thought was) a “bat.”

Justin looked at my bat for a few moments and he said, “No daddy! Draw me a real bat!” I proceeded to explain to him that I had no artistic ability whatsoever. If it wasn’t for my opposable thumbs and quick wit, I would be swinging from tree to tree and flinging my own poo at this moment. (Speaking of poo, after Justin decided that my bat sucked, I added a few pellets of poo dropping out of my bat’s butt. So mature!)

Justin took the pencil from my hand and drew his own bat. I must admit….it was much better than mine. Because Justin is ambidextrous, I enjoyed watching him color in the bats on his homework sheet with crayons in each hand at the same time.

I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here. Either GenXDaddy is a terrible artist or he needs glasses!

A Talent Manager Calls His Client One Morning….

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When I’m dropping the kids off at school in the morning, I try not to take any business calls. That’s our time to catch up, goof off, and sing along with the radio. (I dare you to have a bad morning after singing along with Kids’ Place Live on Sirius XM with a five year old.) Last Monday morning, I had no choice. I had to make one business call to a client. And, I was about to make a call at 7:48am! No one wants to hear from their representative at that time. My plan was to use Sly Dial (yes, I’m revealing a trick of the trade) to go straight to the client’s voicemail – thereby, not disturbing her. Sly Dial somehow failed and she actually picked up the phone. I think she was as surprised to get a call from me that early in the morning as I was that she had actually picked up.

By the way – if you ask Justin, there is one rule in my car: “When daddy’s on the phone, be quiet.” He is fantastic about that and this was no different. He quietly sat in the car as I drove and spoke with the client.

I apologized for calling the client (we’ll call her “JT”) that early in the morning, but wanted to let her know that I was talking to a casting director/producer the previous Friday about her for a project. After we hung up, she sent me an appointment for JT on a different project. I quickly reviewed the elements of the project, the dates, and who else was doing the project. I rarely pass without speaking to a client first, but in this case…I felt confident that the client would not want to participate in this project.

So, while on this call, I explained to the client that I had passed on a project on her behalf three days prior and I wanted to let her know about it should someone ever confront her and ask, “Why didn’t you do this?” I explained to her that A) it was a play in a small theater, B) it was scheduled to have rehearsals and performances in the middle of pilot season, C) the star of the play had a history of substance abuse (and even though he was clean now, anything could happen considering he would be “revisiting past behaviors” on stage every night), and FINALLY D) she would have to appear naked.

Once I said the word “naked,” Justin exploded into hysterical laughter. His laughter was so loud, that the client heard him and she began to laugh as well. (It’s good to know that we were all being professional about this!) I must have said the word “naked” a second time because Justin burst into hysterics again…laughing and laughing, all the while I can hear JT laughing in my earpiece as well. Thankfully, JT was in complete agreement with me that this was a “pass.”

As a male representative, I’m always uncomfortable having the “nudity conversation” with any client. I used to have a female partner and I would delegate those conversations to her. But, now I have a new way to have those conversations – I’m going to have Justin make the call!

He’s No R. Kelly!

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While on the way to Justin’s first school chorus performance, Justin and I were immaturely joking around in the car. We…………….. (ahem)…ok, I was being immature and using potty humor with Justin – but he was laughing hysterically, so he instigated my behavior. He made me do it.

I asked Justin how he would feel if I ran up on stage, turned around, pulled down my pants and mooned the audience while he was singing. He giggled and giggled. I then asked him if I could run up, moon the audience, and then flap my butt cheeks. He laughed out loud. Finally, I asked if him if it would be ok if I ran up on stage in the middle of his performance, mooned the audience, and then started farting along with the music. He convulsed with laughter.

When he finally caught his breath, he said, “Daddy – you need to run up on stage, pull down your pants, and then pee pee on everyone.” Together, we howled at this sick potty humor. We had no intention of doing these things. We’re men and these things simply make us laugh.

What you should also know is that Justin and I have our own, non-verbal language. It started years ago with me pointing to my eye, then my head, then towards him, and finally pinching my nose. (“I think you stink.”) He sends me similar messages as well.

However, I was not prepared for how far Justin was about to take our potty humor from the car in combination with our non-verbal language this past Sunday morning moments before getting on stage with his classmates.

While standing in between two female classmates, Justin waved at me to get my attention. He then mimicked pulling down his pants, grabbed his “Little Justin”, and fake peed on those around him – all while smiling directly at me.

My first reaction was massively inappropriate – I fell over laughing. I tried to compose myself as I raced over to him (while still laughing). I told him that he could not do that…we would both get in trouble. He did it a second time just as my mother-in-law came over to wish him luck. I’m pretty sure I was in more trouble at that moment than he was. With her help, we successfully got him to stop just moments before going on stage. (While sitting at lunch a little later, I was able to explain to her what led up to Justin’s mime act.)

I’ve learned a very important lesson here (both personally and professionally) – my pep talks to the “talent” need to be a little less graphic!

Another Sick Bastard!

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Just when we thought we were out, they pulled us back in! After a week of screaming, crying, and rashes, Garrett was finally on the mend and well enough to go back to daycare – and we could all go on with our lives. Four hours after Garrett was considered “not a threat” and back in the Toddler Room, GWE received a call from Justin’s school. He had been complaining about not feeling well. He was agitated, cranky, miserable, and he registered a fever of 102. Crap!!

GWE raced over to get Justin and bring him home while I worked feverishly in my office, knowing that I would have to get twice the amount of work done in one day because I would be taking care of him at home the following day. GWE spent the rest of her day selflessly tending to Justin’s every need. I walked into the house around 8:30pm and he was already seeking solace in “The Shayna Bed” (our pull out sofa) in front of the television. There were piles and piles of blankets and pillows on top of him. Had it not been for an exposed limp arm, I would have missed him completely.

After 24 hours of staying home from school, watching television, eating tomato soup with grilled cheese, playing on daddy’s computer, opening his first email account and emailing his drawings to relatives, playing on daddy’s iPad, playing on daddy’s Xbox 360, hanging out in the Man Cave (with daddy), and napping, he started to feel much better.

As a parent, you want to do a “post mortem” to find out what happened and how a child got sick. Our first assumption was that he picked it up from Garrett, but that didn’t sound right. Garrett’s virus wasn’t supposed to affect children older than two. So where did he get it from? Justin’s teacher called GWE the first night (and emailed on the second) to check in on Justin to see how he was doing. She informed GWE that two other children were out sick as well! Ah ha!!! More clues!!!

GWE quickly pieced it together. All three sick children attended a birthday party at a bowling alley on Saturday. And, two of the children were on the same bowling team….AND they were sharing bowling balls.

That just goes to prove – Don’t play with dirty balls! You’ll get sick!!

There’s Never an Oompa-Loompa Around When You Really Need One

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Earlier this week, Justin came home with a note from his teacher asking for each of the children in the class to bring in an “Apple” item at the end of the week. It could be anything from apple slices to apple juice to dried apples. (I suggested Apple Beer! What’s funnier than a room full of drunken kindergarteners!?!?) These choices were too simple for my son! Instead, he informed us that he wanted “an apple cake with white frosting, sprinkles and a worm coming out of it.”

I thought “Why not?” He had something specific in mind and there was no real reason why we could not oblige. However, (after further thought) I realized that this was about to become MY homework assignment due to lack of time, Justin’s waning interest, and GWE’s travel schedule. After some intense negotiations with Justin, we settled on something a little easier…or so I thought.

Justin liked the idea of Caramel Apples with Gummy Worms. The plan was to use the apples from MOGWE’s garden, dip them into caramel, and then stick multi-colored gummy worms all over them. Easy, right? Nope.

Did you know that caramel dip doesn’t work when making caramel apples? It’s not thick enough. So, after a second trip to the grocery store, I picked up caramel candies. According to the instructions, you are supposed to put 28 candies and a ¼ cup of water into a crock pot for an hour to an hour and a half (for 8 apples), wait until thick & syrupy, and then dip! I tripled the recipe to make sure I had enough, but I forgot to take into consideration that I would need to triple the time it would take to cook. I turned the crock pot on at 7:30pm. By 10:30pm, I still had a pot of brown, sweet soup. Uh-oh!

11:00pm – brown soup…

11:30pm – brown soup….

12:00am – brown soup…

12:30am – brown soup…

1:15am – A MIRACLE OCCURRED! After nearly six hours of heating and cooling the caramel, it was finally thick enough for the apples to be dipped in.

Then, problem number 2 arose…the gummy worms were too heavy for the caramel to hold them in place. Solution: I jammed each one onto the stick so it looked like they were coming out of the bottom of the apples. (I get my best ideas at 1am!)

At 1:30am, the caramel…the apples…the gummy worms…and I – went to bed!

I would like to thank Justin’s kindergarten class for giving me a new “transferable skill.” I can now make caramel apples! All I need is the ability to guess your age/weight or make funnel cakes and my transformation into a “Carny” will be complete.

Interesting fact #1: Fresh apples float because 25 percent of their volume is air.

Interesting fact #2: Johnny Appleseed’s real name was John Chapman. And, the only surviving tree planted by Johnny Appleseed is on the farm of Richard and Phyllis Algeo of Nova, Ohio. It is named “Rambo.”

Interesting fact #3: I will never make Caramel Apples ever again!!!!

He’s a Complicated Man (and no one Understands him but his Woman.)

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Now all I can hear is the theme song to “Shaft” whenever Justin walks into a room. I always knew that he was a bad mother (SHUT YOUR MOUTH!), but this past Friday solidified it for me! Allow me to explain:

I had asked Justin earlier in the week what his friends’ names were because I knew all of his friends at his last school, but he had not shared his new friends’ names with us yet. His response was, “Daddy, I have two girlfriends!”

“Really?” I asked.

“Seriously, daddy. I have three girlfriends.” He said it matter-of-factly. He was not boasting or trying to impress. It was just how it was.

“What are their names? I asked.

“I dunno.” And with that, he went to sleep.

On Friday afternoon, GWE was cleaning out Justin’s backpack when she came across a note from another parent. It seems as though a little girl in Justin’s kindergarten class enjoyed playing with him at school and she had requested that her mother set up a “playdate” for Justin to come over to her house. We immediately ran over to Justin and asked him to tell us who this little girl was. For a few moments, he wasn’t sure. And then, he said – “OH! She’s the one with the three braids in her hair.” (That gave us no insight.) Luckily, I had taken a few pictures of the kids in his class on the first day. I scrolled through the pictures on my phone and asked him to point her out. “Nope, nope, nope, nope….yep, that’s her!”

First of all, Justin has only been in school for 12 days and already the girls are inviting him over to their houses. Secondly, Justin got an orange tag this week – which meant that he was not on his best behavior at some point. Maybe she has a thing for “bad boys” and Justin was just her type. Third, (and most impressive) Justin played it cool. He did not act excited or ask us when the “date” was. He simply went back to playing on my iPad and left the arrangements to GWE. We have been laughing hysterically about this all weekend.

Justin is a wonderful kid. He’s smart, funny, and very friendly. He is a bit of a flirt and has no fear when it comes to talking to anyone. It is not a surprise to me if he is a bit of a “Don Juan.”

I just wasn’t expecting the parade of women in his life to begin in kindergarten!!!!