Deal Number 2

JustinWhile are Grandma’s house, Justin decided to announce to anyone who was listening (specifically Grandma and Grandpa Bob) that there was a toy he really, really, really wanted. I’m pretty sure he assumed that because he was under Grandma’s roof it would either appear magically or he thought that someone was going to leap out of their chair and go to the store right at that moment to fulfill his wish. I can assure you that neither were an option…especially because it was Super Bowl Sunday and no one was getting off the sofa.

After making his announcement, he was largely ignored. Probably not the response he was hoping for. However, I saw an opportunity here.

“Justin,” I said, to acknowledge his existence. “I’ll make you a deal.”

He perked up in anticipation.

“Here’s the deal: If you get 100% on your spelling test this week and 100% on your speech, I will buy you that toy!”

I saw the wheels in his brain turn in order to process what I had just said. He looked into my eyes to make sure that that I wasn’t bluffing. My son, “The Negotiator,” was about to meet his match in Dad “The Non-Negotiator.”

He took a moment to calculate his response. With caution, he smiled and asked: “What’s deal number 2?”

I smiled and answered him “Justin….there is no deal number 2!!!!” And with that, his smile vanished and the room erupted with laughter.

Legos of Love

Lego“Garrett broke his Lego firetruck again.”

These are the words I was greeted with as I walked through the front door after a very long and exhausting day. In addition to being tired and mentally ‘fried,’ I had a sinus infection and the antibiotics had not begun to take effect yet. Or, they had begun to take effect, but were somehow putting me in a foul and mildly lethargic mood.

My mother-in-law showed me a pile of Legos on the table that, at one time, resembled a firetruck. Now, it was simply rubble. As MoGWE, informed me of her afternoon and evening with the boys, I continued to look over at the pile of Legos. I think the day had taken its toll because I wasn’t exactly listening to what was being said…and I was thinking about the Legos, but kept losing focus while having my eyes roll into the back of my head out of exhaustion. I keep doing the ‘head bob’ of an old man almost falling asleep while sitting up and then being jolted back to life at the last second….all while thinking of Legos.

After MoGWE left, I sat at the kitchen table and began to reassemble the firetruck once more. Not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to avoid the screams and crying the following morning as to why the firetruck hadn’t been magically fixed yet. (Yes, I am a superhero known as The Night Lemming. My secret power is to sneak around after hours and clean up toys.)

It took me about 20 minutes, but I rebuilt the Lego Firetruck. Afterwards, I slithered into bed and passed out.


There was excitement and glee in the air the following morning as Garrett got his firetruck back!! And, all was well with the world!

The following evening, as I walked into the house, I was greeted by the nanny. Her exact words were….

“Garrett broke his Lego firetruck again.”


A Flip Cam Music Video…Shot by a 7 Year Old

IMG_5068What do you get when you give a seven year old a Flip Cam and ask him to record his mother’s performance? Pure hilarity…and nausea.  

GWE was performing at T.H.E. Show in Newport Beach several weeks ago. She (and her band) were performing on a Friday, Saturday (twice), and Sunday. Since Justin had never seen his mother sing for an audience, I thought it would be a great opportunity to have him attend.


Right before she went on stage, she handed Justin her Flip Cam and she asked him to record her performance. With grandma sitting to his left and me sitting behind him, we were close enough to assist him in his recording duties. Justin needed no help.


It’s hard to tell what I was more entertained by: GWE’s beautiful voice or Justin “Auteur” camerawork. See for yourself:

Justin’s camerawork can only be described as a “found footage film” meets “roller-coaster.”

The First Grader on the Roof

JustinplaneI have always said to my wife that someday Justin is going to convince Garrett to climb onto the roof of our house and then jump off. Garrett loves his older brother and would do anything to be like him. If that meant climbing onto the roof and then “flying” off in order to please his idol, so be it. However, I was wrong…

Instead, Justin ended up on the roof….and I’m the one who put him there!

One Sunday evening, Grandpa Bob brought over a model airplane and charger for the kids to play with. From the backyard, I watched as Bob charged the tiny motor and released the plane into the air. The look of awe and wonder on Bob’s and Justin’s faces quickly turned to horror as the plane landed on the highest part of the roof. We tried everything to get it down…a hose, a leaf trimmer, a golf ball retriever, a thrown soccer ball, etc. Nothing worked.

While Bob and GWE were in the house and Grandma and Garrett played in the car, Justin and I stood in front of the house and looked at each other. We gave each other “The Look.” It’s that moment when two people make a non-verbal agreement that will never be spoken of, nor ever admitted to under oath. We made a “We-Know-What-We-Gotta-Do” pact.

I lifted Justin as high as I could. He grabbed onto the roof while putting his feet on my shoulders. Like a leopard, he leapt off of me and onto the roof. Using his hands and knees, he climbed all the way up…grabbed the plane…came all the way back down…and “trust-fell” off the roof into my arms. I have to admit, I was impressed. For a kid who hates going outside even on a sunny day, he was on the roof!

As proof of his adventure (and not to be used against me by Child Protective Services in the future), I now present evidence of Justin’s climb up Mount Priluck…without his Sherpa!


“I can see my house from here! Oh, wait…I’m on it.”


There’s a Jew on my roof. Yet, he has no Fiddle.

As a prologue to this story, the plane was retrieved and all was well until…..

GWE decided that she would be the next pilot to launch this toy plane into greatness. As she released the plane into the air, it whirled around and around. It went up one side of the street and down the other. It was truly a magnificent flight. And then, it crashed….onto the roof of our neighbor’s house.


I debated whether or not to go over to the neighbor’s house to explain that our toy was on their roof, but instead Justin turned to me and said, “Um…I’m not getting it.” And with that, he turned and went back inside the house.

You Can’t See Me, But I Can See You – Part 2

I was not kidding about Garrett’s ability to play “Hide and Seek.” If you thought I was joking, see below:

MOGWE (Mother of Greatest Wife Ever): We were celebrating Father’s Day in our backyard. Garrett ran around the corner of our house and out of view. So, I went to see where he was. He was nowhere in sight. (it’s all fenced) I called out his name and this is what I saw a second later…….


The Sex Evite


Don’t think of this blog post as “edgy” or “controversial.” It is meant as a marital aide and should be considered a public service. If you have young children, any libido left after dealing with young children, and you and your spouse can’t find the time or energy to “git ‘er done,” then I am here to help! (At least, that is what I keep telling myself!)

My wife will read this and laugh on the inside while “evil-eying” me on the outside. I also expect MOGWE to privately send me an email suggesting that I might be over-sharing. My friend “Sherlock” (who has nothing BUT sex stories) will stop reading…right…about… Single people don’t want to hear about their married friends having sex. To them, it’s like hearing about their parents doing it.

But, this isn’t about “having sex.” This is about “attempting to have sex.” Let’s be honest, we’re all adults here. I have two kids, so I’ve had sex twice in my lifetime. My wife, on the other hand, is still a virgin and as pure as the driven snow!

Like most married couples, we’re exhausted at the end of the day. Between long hours at the office and even longer evenings juggling the kids’ homework, dinner, bath times, changing diapers, taking out the trash, last minute laundry and dishes, and reading just one more chapter of “Captain Underpants” – the last thing either of us wants to do is a little “wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

A few weeks ago, I came up with a brilliant idea – “The Sex Evite.” After receiving the 700th Evite to a kindergartener’s birthday party, it dawned on me that this could be put to much better use! I went onto Evite to see what my options were for “Romantic Interlude.” Evite had nothing even remotely risqué. I perused every single template and it just didn’t seem right to send an X-Rated Evite that was covered in duckies, bunnies, or Elmo. I finally settled on the disco ball themed invite because nothing says “Hot Sex in 2013” like a disco ball from 1978!

I added the “who,” “when,” and “where” to the invite and finally titled it “Time for a Pants Party (Or, a Party in our Pants.)” Feeling pleased with myself, I hit send. In less than five minutes, GWE responded that she would be in attendance. (However, she later confessed that she had not read the Evite carefully and she thought that the “Pants Party” was actually referring to a clothing “sample sale.”) Once I clarified what she had rsvp’d for – she (luckily) did not change her response.

I’m pleased to say that The Sex Evite worked. With an Wi-Fi connection, a little planning, and a locked and fortified bedroom door, we were able to find the time to “Dance the Matrimonial Polka.”

I wonder what else I can Evite my wife to do! Hmmm……..