Garrett is Magic


My 3 year old has the best “Appearance” magic trick I’ve ever seen. No matter how often I put him to bed, he silently “re-appears” next to me without saying a word.

In bed by 8:30pm, but re-appears next to me at 8:35pm while I’m making dinner. In bed again by 8:45pm, but re-appears next to me as I’m eating dinner. In bed again by 8:50, but reappears again next to me as I’m in the kitchen going through the mail. In bed again by 9:00pm, but reappears again next to me as I’m coming out of the bathroom.

It’s almost like seeing the twins appear in “The Shining.”

Go To Bed!!


It has been less than a week and Garrett is finally getting the hang of “it’s time to go to sleep in your big boy bed.” Eh…who am I kidding??? He isn’t getting it. Not even close!


For the first few nights, we would put him to bed only to have him reappear in the hallway several minutes later. It was like Human Wack-a-Mole. Every time we put him down, he would pop back up again somewhere else in the house.


With a great deal of patience, we read to him, sang his favorite songs to him, left the light on (by his request), turned the light off (by his request), got him a glass of water, rubbed his back, rubbed his head, rubbed his feet, etc. However, all of it was pointless because he did not understand the concept of “get into bed and stay there.”


Tempers flared and tears had to be wiped away…and that was just GWE. For the first few nights, GWE took away toys every time she had to put him back to bed. I took a different approach – bribery. “Garrett – I will buy you a Ferrari tomorrow after I make you your favorite waffles. But, for the love of God, please go to sleep.” Neither approach worked.


Two nights ago, I finally got him down with the promise of playing with the garage door the following morning. It worked and he slept through the night. (Of course, we were late to school the following morning due to the 7:40am off-Broadway extravaganza of “Garage Up! Garage Down!”)


Last night was a different story. I put him to bed at 8:30pm only to discover him at 9:10pm back in the kitchen eating yogurt raisins while standing on his stool reaching for the radio remote.


“Get back to bed!!” I barked. He got down from the stool and gave me a look that said, “Just you wait. I’ve got more planned.” He showed no remorse as he walked to his room. It was pure defiance. But, that was the last I had heard from Garrett that evening, until…..


Today, I got up at 5:50am and began my morning routine. As I blindly walked down the hallway, I noticed that the light was on in the home office…and my computer was on. I distinctly remember turning it off, but there it was with the screen on asking for my password. “Someone” tried to enter 40-ish characters in an attempt to access it. I began to notice other things as well. The kitchen light was on, Mickey and Chica were laying on the floor outside Garrett’s bedroom, and there was an empty Danimal container on the sofa.


Clearly, Garrett had woken up in the middle of the night and went “AWOL.” He had abandoned his friends in the hallway, gotten a snack, and then attempted to make midnight impulse purchases on EBay. I asked him what he did last night. With a huge smile he said, “I sleep!”


“Liar.” I thought.


Short of electrifying the door nob to his bedroom or hiring someone to stand guard outside his door, I’m running out of ideas. The best I can do is lock all the doors, hide the car keys, hide the computer, and hope for the best.


Tonight, I may have to go online and look for velcro sheets and pajamas. If you can’t beat ’em, stick ’em (to the bed!!)

The Crib is Gone


After two kids and seven years, the crib is finally out of the house. It served us well! It was the one place in the house where I knew that if put something (or someone) in it, they would still be there when I returned. The days of having to lift a child out of bed are over. Now, they just crawl out of their beds and stand by my side of the bed in the middle of the night staring at me while I sleep. There is nothing quite like opening your eyes at 3am to see a child standing next to you asking, “Daddy, what doing?” Um…my taxes?


Breaking apart the crib was easier than I assumed it would be, but still difficult enough to make me curse the manufacturer several times. However, the new bed came with a crew who built it for me! Whoo hoo!!


Here is what we started with:



Here is the finished product:


 And, for your viewing pleasure, here is the video: (By the way, my wife has a film degree from USC, but still doesn’t understand that she needs to turn her phone sideways to record video. Personally, I blame George Lucas for not giving the school enough money.)


What is in your Bed???

ET Glowing

When Auntie Shayna realizes that I got her to look at E.T., she’s gonna be pissed! SURPRISE!!!!!

It was 7:15am on a weekday morning and the house was unusually quiet. GWE was starting to stir, but neither Garrett nor Justin were making a sound. I decided to wake up Justin first since it was his last week of school and we needed to leave the house by 7:45am.

Quietly, I walked up to his bedroom door. I slowly turned the handle, entered his room, and discovered Justin in his bed with his eyes closed. For a moment, I thought “Gee – He looks so peaceful and angelic!”

And then, I noticed a weird beeping noise coming from somewhere in his room. With a puzzled look on my face, I began glancing around Justin’s room for the source of the “Ping…Beep…Boop.” I explored Justin’s desk, his dresser, his toy chest, and his favorite place to keep things – the floor! Nothing!

It took me a few moments to realize that the sound was coming from the middle of Justin’s bed. As I investigated further, I noticed that there was an “illumination” coming through his Mario Brothers blanket and sheet. It only took me a fraction of a second to realize what it was.

Clearly, Justin had been awake and was playing with his Nintendo 3DS prior to my walking into his room. He must have quickly hidden it under the blanket and closed his eyes in an attempt to fool me.

I gently leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then I whispered into his ear, “Either you’re playing with your Nintendo 3DS or your belly-button is glowing and you need to see a doctor.” Justin could not maintain his “sleeping façade” and he erupted into laughter.

I told him that the last time I saw something glowing like that in a bedroom, it wanted to phone home! (He didn’t get it.)

It’s 4 O’clock Somewhere

410Have you ever wondered what goes on in your house at 4:10am? Neither did I. However, I found myself wide awake and quietly sitting on the sofa in my den while dealing with a bout of insomnia several nights ago. Everyone else was asleep (I assumed) and I was hoping that after a few minutes, I would be tired enough to return to bed. Little did I know, my house is a cornucopia of activity and entertainment at 4:00am. Here is what I heard/witnessed:

4:10 – I’m sitting quietly on the sofa watching The Golf Channel (no volume.)

4:15 – The neighbor’s cat jumps onto my roof and nearly scares the piss out of me. I thought we were about to be robbed.

4:20 – My 6 year old’s bedroom door opens. I crane my head over to the hallway just in time to witness Justin exit his room. His eyes are shut, he is no longer wearing his Mario pajamas (or underwear), and he “shuffles” over to the bathroom. I hear him go pee pee (no flush) and then I see him return to his room with his eyes still shut. The door closes. He never saw me.

4:23 – Justin’s door shutting must have woken up the 1 ½ year old. I can now hear Garrett yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” His bedroom door is slightly cracked and I can’t tell if he sees me or not. Regardless, he excitedly keeps yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” I decided to stay perfectly still. He’s like a bear in the wilderness. If he senses your movement, he will attack.

4:30 – The neighbor’s cat is now lying across the skylight in the den and looking down at me – judging. Garrett is still yelling “DA-DA!! DA-DA!!” and he’s added percussion by banging on the wall.

4:35 – I hear “BLOOP” from the kitchen. That’s just our fish – “Fred the Undead” trying to escape the aquarium again. After 8 ½ years in that aquarium, I understand his need for a “Shawshank Redemption.”

4:40 – I hear a “THUD” from Justin’s room. I can only assume that he shifted in his sleep and banged his head against the wall…again.

4:41 – The “THUD” has reignited Garrett’s “DA-DA  Drum Circle.” I swear there is only one kid in that crib, but he makes it sound like his stuffed animals (Mickey, Chica, and Elmo) have joined his band.

4:45 – I realize that I have about an hour and a half before I have to be up again. I attempt (for the second time) to go to bed.

As I found myself in bed staring at the ceiling, I began to wonder….what else happens in the middle of the night when I’m asleep???