“That’s All I Need, Daddy!”

As I stopped at the gas station this morning, I opened the back door and discovered a collection of toys, stuffed animals, kids’ clothing, baby wipes (new and used), a musical instrument, a video game to a Nintendo 3DS, an instruction packet (to another game I’ve never heard of,) two “sippy” cups (one with old milk….or new cottage cheese,) one sock, a Zooble, and two cars seats filled with “Lexus Trail Mix.” What is “Lexus Trail Mix” you ask? Old Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, raisins, crunchies, gummy bears, and what are either dead grapes or blueberries. (I’m still not sure which.)

It dawned on me that both of my sons have turned into “The Jerk.” When going for a ride in the car, they don’t need anything – except this, that, and the other thing. All it made me think about was this scene:

Everyone’s a Critic

Either I've been shot or I'm lactating Tomato Sauce!

Either I’ve been shot or I’m lactating Tomato Sauce!

Last Friday was “Spaghetti Night” for the Priluck Boys! GWE was out with friends for the evening, so I decided to cook for the kids.

Justin loved his spaghetti and ate every bite (along with two extra helpings.) Garrett decided that he was not in the mood for “Spaghetti Night.” At first, he made his wishes known by yelling at me. When that failed, he tossed his “sippy cup” onto the floor. And finally, when all other forms of communication failed, he looked me square in the eye…grabbed a handful of sauce…and threw it at me. His aim was good.

Needless to say, I finally got the message. After some extensive clean-up (me, the floor, the highchair, the wall, the ceiling, the stove, my face, and the ‘fridge), I warmed up some chicken fingers for him instead and served it to him while wearing a catcher’s mask.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

MuffinEach culture has their own unique traditions when it comes to showing appreciation for a tasty meal. In America, we leave a tip. In Japan, you can show your appreciation by buying your sushi chef a beer. In Spain, I’ve heard that it’s not uncommon to burp or fart as an act of gratitude for a wonderful meal.

My youngest son has decided to show his appreciation for my cooking in a way that I could never have imagined.

This past Sunday morning, I got up with Garrett. I changed his diaper (washed my hands afterwards) and together we decided to make breakfast for everyone before they woke up. With Garrett’s help, we decided to make blueberry muffins. I grabbed the muffin mix from the pantry along with some oil, milk, and eggs. (Garrett especially liked touching the eggs. He would rub the top of each egg and then laugh hysterically.) Together, we mixed the batter, poured it into the muffin pan, and then placed them in the oven.

Eight and a half minutes later, Justin emerged from his room with “I smell muffins!!” I decided to have some fun with him. “No, Justin…there are no muffins here. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

He looked on the counter – no muffins. He looked on the table – no muffins. He looked on the stove – no muffins. Perplexed, but confident, he stood his ground. “I smell muffins, daddy!” I smiled and opened the stove to show him that they were still baking.

Patiently, he and Garrett waited until the muffins were out of the oven and cooled down. I placed two on Justin’s plate and one on Garrett’s. I gave Justin his plate and he was pleased. I took Garrett’s plate and sat at the table. I decided to tear his apart for him and hand it to him piece by piece.

This is when I witnessed Garrett’s version of “appreciation.” Garrett took the first piece of muffin and put it up to his mouth. He did not eat it. It was a half sniff/brush-against-the-lips. Bravely, he popped the muffin into his mouth. I saw him smile and say “mmmmm.” And then, after a little chewing, he pulled the piece of muffin out of his mouth, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it with his heel (like he was smashing glass at a Jewish wedding.)

I proceeded to hand him three more pieces. And, three more times, he placed them in his mouth – chewed them – pulled the remnants out of his mouth – tossed them on the floor – and, then stomped on them with the heel of his foot.

I’m not sure if I should take it as a bizarre sign of gratitude or an act of gastronomic defiance. I keep wondering, “What would Bourdain do in this situation? I know his agent. Maybe I’ll call him!”

Justin’s AFV Moment

Justin’s goal in life is to be on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” He really, really, really wants to hear Tom Bergeron call out his name as the $10,000 winner. Believe me, he’s done some very funny things over the years, but they’ve never been caught on video…until now.

Thanks to my sister and the Flip Camera she bestowed upon us, I now present you with “Garrett Discovers Justin on Porcelain.”

 

We Located Endeavour’s Gas Leak!

ShuttleA few weeks ago, we were invited to an event at the California Science Center. GWE has a college friend who now works for a prestigious law firm. They hosted a private event for the families of their clients in the temporary enclosure that currently houses the Space Shuttle Endeavour!! As we walked into the room, we found ourselves astonished by its sheer size. It is truly an incredible feat of engineering.

Realizing that there would be children at the event, the coordinators were smart enough to have scientific demonstrations every 20 to 30 minutes. While GWE spent time mingling, Justin and I wandered over to one the demonstration tables.

Two young “scientists” were standing at a table holding a small bouquet of flowers. As we walked up to them, they asked Justin what he thought would happen if they dunked the flowers into dry ice. He correctly responded, “They’d freeze.”  To prove his theory correct, they put the flowers in the dry ice for 10 seconds and then pulled them out. Justin and I saw the steam coming off the top of the flowers and the frozen drops of dew stuck to each petal.

However, neither of us were prepared for the next part of the demonstration. One of the scientists looked at Justin again and asked, “Are you sure they’re frozen? Let’s check.” Then, he slammed the flowers down on the table and they actually shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Science

My immediate reaction was, “CCCOOOOLLLL!” However, I only got to “CCCCOOO…..”

I was cut off by Justin’s reaction. Apparently, he was so excited by the smashed flowers that he could not contain himself and he blasted a long and loud fart which echoed all throughout the shuttle chamber. There was no hiding which excited child had “blasted off.” I did my best to suppress my laughter, but could not contain myself. I politely smiled at the scientists, thanked them for their time, and escorted my hysterically laughing child away to a less populated part of the building as to not offend the $1000/per hour attorneys.

Next time you see the Space Shuttle Endeavour, just know that remnants of my son’s fart are now a part of its long and glorious history!

Some People Claim that There’s A Woman to Blame….

marg1For some reason, Garrett was inconsolable last night right before going to bed. I tried to do everything I could think of to make him happy and comfortable, but nothing worked.

At first, I read him his two favorite books: “Good Night Moon” and “Where’s The Baby’s Belly Button?” (As a side note – you would NOT believe where the baby’s belly button was!) He was fine until the books ended. Then, he would begin to cry again.

After I read him his books, I began to sing his favorite songs: “You Are My Sunshine,” “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad,” Itzy Bitzy Spider,” and “Row, Row Row Your Boat.” Each time I finished a song, I would begin to lift him off of my chest to move him into the crib. However, each time I picked him up, he would start to cry again.

Now, I had a new problem – I had run out of songs. I don’t know what happened, but I could not think of a single song. My mind went blank. So, I did what any white, mid 30’s, exhausted dad would do – I began to sing Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville.” Nothing soothes a toddler like songs about drinking, getting tattoos, and blaming women for your problems. As I sang, he calmed down. At the end of the song, he began to cry once more…so I continued by singing “The Lost Verse” to “Margaritaville.”

As the song ended a second time, Garrett began to get upset again. I did what any rational father would do, I kept singing and made up new words to the song!

Garrett didn’t enjoy them. I hope you do.

(Sung to the tune of “Margaritaville”)

Sucking on binkies,
Your butt is so stinky.
I think there’s a poo in your diaper right now.
Mommy thinks you’re a cutie.
She don’t know about the doodie.
You’ve exceeded the limit Pampers says to allow!

Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville
Wiping off your green booger assault.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know…
it’s all Mommy‘s fault.