The Hotmobile

HotGarrett’s potty training has been going well. To the best of my knowledge, he has not had an accident in over two weeks! This has been very exciting news! (Although, probably not to him when he reads this 10 years from now and he realizes that his dad had been posting poop updates on the internet.)

However, I think we might have overdone it with the reward system. Garrett knew that if he went pee-pee in the potty, he’d get a small toy and if he started going poopy in the potty he would get a larger toy. Here is an example of how he planned his rewards.

I didn’t realize that Garrett would apply this Pavlovian response to other things in life.

Several weeks ago, I purchased a new car. Garrett was very excited about it and began calling it “The Hotmobile” long before it actually arrived. He is his grandfather’s son and has a love for all things automotive. There have been two occasions when I’ve reprimanded him from actually kissing the car. (Yes, he kissed the car.) When I asked him why he did that, he told me that he loved the car so much he had to kiss it.

On Saturday, while helping me pull the trash cans out of from the street, Garrett stopped to admire the car once more. I watched him closely in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to intervene in another make-out session with my Lexus.

As he stared at the car, I could see his brain working. Then he turned to me and said, “That’s not a pee-pee toy, daddy.”

“Nope.” I responded. “That is not a pee-pee toy.”

Another moment of silence. “Daddy? How many poops on the potty did you have to do to get that car?” I could not contain my laughter. It was too funny.

“Well buddy… only took me 37 years of pooping on the potty!”

There was a pause followed by, “Good work, daddy.”


Lego My Potty

In an attempt to explain potty training to Garrett, I used his Legos to demonstrate how it was supposed to work. He was not amused. Just after I took these pictures, he demolished what I had created.



However, with a little more time and a few more Legos, I created the Super Pooper 5000!! Behold – my Lego Potty creation!!



The Art of Potty Training Negotiation (with a 3 Year Old)

Lego-2-200x200“That is not a poopy toy!! IT’S A PEE-PEE TOYYYYY!!!!!!!”

That is what Garrett yelled at my face from only three inches away. (There was an emphasis on the “P.”) I stared into his eyes while slowly wiping away his spittle from my cheek. Calmly, I insisted that if he wanted that toy…then I wanted him to poop in the toilet. As a Talent Manager, I’ve seen my share of shitty negotiations. But this……this was the “shittiest” negotiation of all time.

In (yet another failed attempt) to potty train Garrett, I resorted to bribery. In exchange for going pee-pee, I gave Garrett Hot Wheels cars and squirt guns. These were merely trinkets. Garrett knew there was better stuff on the horizon, but he wouldn’t give me what I wanted in order to get it.

Much like having fantasies of grandeur while holding a lottery ticket, Garrett began to dream BIG about what he could get for going potty. He even took it to the next level: Internet Research! Garrett took GWE’s iPad, opened the Kids’ YouTube app, tapped on the microphone, and started asking YouTube to provide him with Lego options. From his bedroom, I could hear him command the app by saying, “Lego Firestation,” “Lego Police Station,” and “Lego Trucks.”

Once he found what he wanted, he decided to present his argument (via YouTube clips) to me as to which toys he should get for going pee-pee in the potty and which toys he should get for going poopy in the potty. I agreed with him that some of the smaller items could be considered pee-pee toys. But then, the toys started getting larger…


“Daddy, if I go pee-pee in the potty, you’re going to get me the Lego (pronounced “Yego”) Fire Station.”

“No,” I responded. “That’s a poopy toy.”

“But, daddy!!!!!! It has two garages and a fire truck and a pole the man slides down!! It’s a pee-pee toy!” he replied.

“Nope. You can get the little Lego Mixel if you go pee-pee. The Fire Station is for pooping only.” I offered.

“NOOOOOO. I go pee-pee and you get me the LEGO…..FIRE….STATION!!”

I prepared my counter-offer. “I will get you the Lego Fire Station only if you go poopy in the potty five time with no accidents.”

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOoooooooooo” he screamed as he flung himself onto his bed. “IT’S…….A……PEE-PEE…..TOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

After a few minutes of sobbing, he collected himself and tried a different tactic. “Ok, daddy,” as he wiped away the tears. “Here’s the deal….” Yes, he really says that now. “This (point to YouTube again) is the Lego (“Yego”) Police Station. This is a pee-pee toy!”

“Nope. That’s a poopy toy also.” I stated matter-of-factly. Angrily, he stared at me. I was a little concerned that he might reach back into his diaper, pull out a fresh poop, and fling it at me like a monkey. Luckily, the diaper was dry.

I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending. It’s doesn’t. We’re at a stalemate. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis of Toilet Training. Garrett keeps making Lego demands on me while continuing to deny the potty’s existence.

I am preparing to impose the Closed Wallet/No Lego sanctions of 2015 on him!



We’re Gonna Potty (Train) like it’s 2010!

underwearI have been changing diapers every single day since 2006. I have officially had enough! The time has come to induct our youngest son into the Pantheon of Potty Pishers! We are now 6 days away from the potty training known as “Poo-mageddon 2014!”

Much like his older brother did 4 years ago, Garrett will spend this upcoming weekend locked in our house with an agenda and a daddy on a mission. Once again, GWE will be out of town…thereby allowing The Priluck Men to conduct “Man Business.”

Justin, Garrett, and I will be armed with nothing more than a package of clean underwear, special toys that I have chosen as Garrett’s rewards, and an alarm that will go off every hour on the hour alerting us to “Return to the Potty.” For 48 hours, I expect this house to stink. But, in the end, it will stink with the foul odor…of victory!!!!

Justin and I were successful with this routine several years ago. You can read about it here.

Wish us luck!!

My Potty Valet

"Pardon me, sir. Would you like a 'Mercy Flush?'"

“Pardon me, sir. Would you like a ‘Mercy Flush?'”

I’ll be the first to admit that when I walk into a bathroom and discover a Restroom Attendant, I get uncomfortable. Immediately, there are a new list of “considerations” that run through my head. I think about things like, “Should I wait for him to tell me which stall is open?,” “Will he judge my performance?,” “Do I really want to use any of his colognes, mouthwashes, or breath mints?,” and (the most important question) “How much do I tip?” and/or “I left my wallet at the table. Do I need to run back to the table to get my wallet and go back to the bathroom to tip the attendant?”

Any phobias I might have had about “bathroom etiquette” have been eradicated thanks to Garrett – My Potty Valet!

Garrett has been fascinated with how the toilet works. For a long time, we simply kept the bathroom door shut to prevent him from getting into any trouble. However, once he gained access, he immediate located the lever and began to flush….over and over and over again.

Now, Garrett has “Bathroom Radar” and is able to detect when I’m about to go. He quickly runs to the bathroom, waits for me to open the door, and then he casually stands by the bathtub until my business is complete. Finally, he rushes over to the level and flushes for me (with glee.)

So, a few new questions come to mind: “Has he found his professional bliss as a bathroom attendant?” and “How do I tip a 22 month old bathroom attendant?”

Justin’s AFV Moment

Justin’s goal in life is to be on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” He really, really, really wants to hear Tom Bergeron call out his name as the $10,000 winner. Believe me, he’s done some very funny things over the years, but they’ve never been caught on video…until now.

Thanks to my sister and the Flip Camera she bestowed upon us, I now present you with “Garrett Discovers Justin on Porcelain.”