The Mexican (Porcelain) Stand-Off

On Saturday morning I heard Justin yell from the bathroom – “Daddy, I’m all done. Come and wipe my butt.”

I love my son, but I am tired of wiping his ass. He is able to wipe his own butt at school, with his grandparents, and even in public restrooms. However, when we’re at home, his laziness knows no bounds. In an effort to “cut him off cold turkey,” I have openly refused to wipe his butt…but, there are times when I’ve caved. Sometimes, I’d rather just get it over with than to fight it out. I have been weak.

But, on Saturday morning, I decided to stand my ground. “Justin, you are a big boy! You can wipe your own butt.”

“No, Daddy! Come and wipe my butt!” he yelled from down the hall.

“Justin, you can do it. I know you can. Just wipe your own butt.” I demanded/begged.

“Right now, daddy!!” he yelled even louder.

“Justin! I am not going to wipe your butt. You do it.” I said.

“Fine,” he said defiantly. “I’ll wait for mommy to do it.”

(Okay…this was going to be interesting….)

One minute passed…and then another…and then another….

“Daddy?” he said sweetly.

“Yeeesssssss…..” I replied with a smile on my face.

“When is mommy coming home?” he asked.

“Monday night.” I answered. There was silence.

“How many ‘naps’ is that?” he cautiously asked.

“Mommy will be back in two and a half days. Do you want me to bring your meals into the bathroom since you’ll be there for a while?”

With a groan I heard, “Ugh…fine. I’ll wipe it all by myself.”

Daddy: 1 Justin’s Butt: 0

Justin vs The Think n’ Stink

Those of you who’ve been following GenXDaddy know that Justin has cost me thousands of dollars in repairs to the sewage pipes under my house, including the pipes directly under my driveway (which had to be jack hammered and then repaved) and the pipes leading all the way back to the main sewer line at the street. Pipes that have stood the test of time for over 50 years have been pushed past their limits by the “imp” living in my house who thinks it’s funny to flush strange objects down the toilet. We have been incident free for several months and I assumed we had a few more years before Garrett’s potty training put our pipes to the test once again.

Even though Justin is fully potty trained, he refuses to wipe his own butt. To this day, he still calls for me to “take care of his business” and then requests that I use a Wet Wipe to make sure he is clean. (Yes, I take requests.) GWE and I have been encouraging him to wipe his own butt, but he has not yet taken the initiative.

On Saturday afternoon, while I was feeding Garrett, Justin announced that he needed his butt wiped….again. I thought it was a great opportunity for me to NOT be available. I told him that I was feeding the baby and he would have to do it himself. Then, there was silence.

All I heard was a flush and an “uh-oh.” Then, I saw Justin sheepishly walking down the hall. I stopped him and asked, “Why did you say ‘uh-oh’?” He replied that he thought he used too much toilet paper, but it was ok now because it all went down the potty. I went over to the toilet and looked into the bowl suspiciously. I saw nothing and slowly backed away. For the rest of the day, we were incident free.

At 1:00am, I turned off the television so I could go to bed. Bleary-eyed, I headed to the bathroom for one final chance to “put one through the hoop.” When I was done, I flushed and heard the toilet respond in a long and low“GUUUULLLLLP.” I opened one eye and looked into the bowl. What I saw was the potty equivalent of when prospectors strike oil. Brown water began to surge to the surface. In a moment of either brilliant ingenuity or complete stupidity, I grabbed a nearby vase and with both hands I plunged it deeply into the murky waters. I began pulling quart after quart of “turd juice” out of the toilet and disposed of it in the sink in the hopes of not having the toilet overflow onto the floor. After a few moments, the tidal wave passed and the toilet was calm once again.

Afterwards, I sprinted to the kitchen sink and began to scrub everything from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my elbows in scalding hot water and anti-bacterial soap. I must have been there for 10 minutes, but I could not get them clean enough. (“Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then ’tis time to do’t.—Hell is murky.” – Macbeth)

The following day was Mother’s Day. When my wife awoke, I leaned over to her and romantically whispered into her ear, “Happy Mother’s Day. Whatever you do, don’t flush the toilet.” She stared at me for a moment and then rolled over to go back to sleep.

After a few hours (and some cautious use of potty #2), the plumber arrived and was greeted by GWE. He went to the back of the house to snake the drain closest to the bathroom. After a few moments of assessing the problem, he decided that the best plan of attack was to snake the toilet itself. GWE guided him to the bathroom. As he passed by, I hung my head in shame knowing the horror he was about to witness.

Justin was excited to have the workman in the house. It meant that he had someone to supervise. Once the plumber observed the scene, he did the only decent thing he could do in that situation – he closed the door to prevent Justin from seeing the mess he was about to clear out. Not to be deterred, Justin laid on the ground and tried to get a glimpse of the action from the crack between the door and the floor. Hopefully, he saw nothing.

After twenty minutes, the plumber announced he was done and he quickly left. (I can only assume he raced to the closest de-contamination center to cleanse himself.) The toilet was fixed, Justin was excited to re-christen the working bowl, and GWE’s Mother’s Day present this year became the gift of a swift flush.

 

My Life with a 9 lb. Terrorist

It is 3:54am and I am awake. I am not tired….I passed “tired” four days ago. However, being awake at this time of night does have its advantages. I usually have my moments of greatest clarity in the middle of the night when I am alone and the world is quiet. Tonight is no different.

I love this kid and he is truly amazing. BUT….I’ve been thinking about Garrett and what this new child has “inflicted” on us since his birth and I have come to one simple realization – my baby is a terrorist!! Even though he is two weeks old, he has managed to effectively use both psychological and chemical warfare on us. He has performed torture techniques on GWE and I that would make a Guantanamo Bay guard blush!

The psychological attacks came first and in two forms. The first was the sleep deprivation. Neither GWE nor I have slept more than a few hours consecutively since Garrett’s birth. I realize that I have less to complain about than GWE (since she was the one actually delivering our massive child while I sat nearby taking pictures), but damn it – I’m tired too! We started off with an hour of sleep here and there. Now we’re up to three consecutive hours of sleep – sometimes. Any normal person can handle that for a few days….but, after a few weeks it starts to take its toll. I knew I was tired, but didn’t realize it fell into the category of “deprivation” until I looked it up and realized that I had a number of the symptoms: muscles tremors, memory confusion (someone asked me for my cell number and I honestly could not remember it!), bloodshot eyes, irrational irritability (hey – fuck you, you fucking fuck!!), and malaise. There have been a couple of times over the past two weeks when I’ve had trouble retaining a coherent thought. I now know what Dr. John was singing about when he wrote, “Brain Salad Surgery!”

The second was “the crying.” With our first son, we decided to try using the “Dunstan Language” to decipher what he wanted. “Neh” meant “Hungry”; “Eh” meant “Chest Gassy”; “Err” meant “Butt Gassy.” It worked well and we were able to communicate with Justin from birth. Garrett has proven more of a challenge. All we’re able to hear from him is “WWWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!” Yes, there are only three things that he could need at this point in his short life, but “WWWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!” does not narrow it down. And, it gets louder and more intense in a short span of time. Within 5-6 minutes, it sounds like he is being stabbed! I don’t care how patient and understanding you think you are – the sound of this kid crying cuts through your defenses and it’s hard not to get affected by it.

The chemical attacks came next. (In fact, I am writing this after having just been blasted by “The Holy Trinity” – poop, pee pee, and spit-up.) I can handle the pee pee – no problem. I still have a five year old with aiming issues. I’m pretty sure everything in my bathroom has been pissed on at one point or another. Plus, Justin likes to have a conversation with me while peeing and he’s been known to forget what’s going on and turns his body to talk to me while still peeing. You get the picture. So far, Garrett has peed on me, the blinds, the rocker, and the lamp – all while lying on his back on the changing table.

Baby poop is disgusting, but predictable. Garrett makes a grunting sound when he’s going and you pretty much know when he’s done because he looks exhausted. Right now, it looks like dark mustard with seeds. (There is usually a “bomb” of some sort in his diaper. Another act of terrorism!) However, Garrett has sneak-attacked me with poop twice. He has waited until I’ve removed his diaper for changing AND I’m in the process of applying Butt Paste when he has decided to “unleash the hounds” and spray me with poop.

The worst is the spit-up. It usually happens when his head is resting on my chest and he is looking up. With no warning, I hear “BLEECH” and I immediately get a burst of hot, white, projectile, half-digested “milk” in my face, neck, chest, ear, etc. Gross does not begin to describe it. And, what makes it worse is his smile right afterward. I know he feels better, but that smile is just his way of rubbing it in my face – literally!

All in all, we are being tortured by the one we love. If I knew any state secrets, I would have gladly given them up by now. All that’s left is a good water boarding. I love this kid and would not miss these experiences for anything. However, they would be much more enjoyable after a hot shower, a clean change of clothes, and an Ambien!

Free to “Pee” You and Me

Tuesday is trash day in our neighborhood. This past Tuesday, Justin decided that he wanted to help me bring the trash to the curb. All it requires is grabbing the trash bins, rolling them 6 feet forward, opening the gate, and putting them on the street. Our back yard is “L” shaped and fenced. The trash bins and gate opening are on the short end of the “L”. Directly overhead is a security light with an incredibly temperamental sensor. Either it doesn’t work or it is so sensitive that if you were to quietly “toot” a fart, every light in the back yard would BLAST on.

I agreed to let Justin assist me in this duty in the hopes that one day I would no longer have to do it and I could make it part of his chores. As any parent knows, doing something could take X amount of time. However, doing that same thing with a child makes X three times longer. We went outside, turned the corner to get the trash bins, and the security lights clicked on. It must have taken us a little longer to get the bins on the street because the lights clicked off before the end of our task.

After we were done, Justin turned to me and said, “Daddy, I want to pee – outside!” It was dark outside and I actually thought about it for a second. Ultimately, I decided, “why not?”

I realize that this is going to separate my male and female readers. Men will grunt in understanding and acceptance while women will think this is gross. It’s not. This is how men commune with nature. We pee on it.

Justin and I were standing in the dark at the corner where the two parts of the “L” meet. Together, Justin and I lowered our pants, aimed in different directions, and then I told him that we needed to “spray the weeds”. (That’s right, we multi-tasked! You can’t tell me that peepee isn’t going to work as weed killer!) I looked over and Justin had a look of sheer joy on his face. Justin was so into it that I saw him gently swaying back and forth to make sure he got all the weeds around him. I thought “gee – that’s actually a good idea.”

So, there we were – butts exposed, “draining the lizards”, being one with nature, killing weeds, and gently swaying in the breeze…..and then the lights BLASTED on because the sensors saw us!  We were both startled and started laughing hysterically as we pulled up our pants.

As we turned the corner to get back into the house, I looked up to see our neighbors (at the top of the “L”) looking in our general direction. We have been in this house for five years and I have NEVER seen those neighbors and the ONE NIGHT we decide to “kill the weeds” they just happen to be outside watching us. FANTASTIC! Now, I’m the creepy neighbor who gets naked in the backyard with his kid. I lowered my head in shame and quickly ushered Justin back into the house while the neighbors “pretended” not to notice us. Oy………I know whose house we’ll be avoiding this Halloween.

Requiem for a Potty

For the past week, I have been working on potty training Justin. Last night, while giving Justin a bath, I was sitting next to the toilet when I heard, “Glub” then “GLUB GLUB”. I casually reached over and gave the toilet a flush just to make sure everything was ok and it EXPLODED!! God knows what was in the bottom of that toilet, but it was now on the bathroom ceiling, the walls, me, Justin, the magazine rack, the mirror, etc.

I quickly grabbed Justin out of the tub, wrapped him in a towel (like a burrito so he couldn’t get away) and put him in his bedroom. Then, I pushed the stopper in the tub to have it drain while I dealt with the toilet. While cleaning shit/piss water off of everything, I looked over and realized that now the tub wasn’t draining either….and now Justin managed to find his way back into the bathroom to splash around in the previously mentioned shit/piss water.

Once again, I scooped him up and then got him dressed in pajamas and stuck him in front of the television. Then, I went back to the bathroom to clean it out. I moved all of Justin’s potty training stuff to the master bathroom. Sadly, curiosity got the better of me and I flushed that toilet as well. (In retrospect, I should have kept my head a little further away from the “blast zone.”) Now I had another toilet erupting.

I immediately grab my blackberry and emailed Audra that I need a plumber’s number ASAP (she was on a plane coming back from DC) because “We’re taking on too much water. ABANDON SHIP!! ABANDON SHIP!!”

In an effort to find a plumber at 10:00pm, I decided to call my neighbor Greg. Problem was – I couldn’t find his number!! So, I went back onto my Blackberry and Facebooked his wife, with “Call me, Help!” As soon as I hit send, I found their number in my kitchen (of course, Murphy’s Law). I call Greg and tell him what I needed, Audra landed and called back to tell me the plumber’s number is behind the kitchen cabinet, and as all the phones are ringing (and I’m sopping wet)- Justin chooses that moment to play “horsey” on my back. (Folks….I really wish I could make this up.)

Just as I finish explaining the situation to the plumber, Greg knocked on my door and said “I spoke with my friend and I know what to do.” We raced over to the sewer valve, opened the lid, and I heard him say “oh, dude, you don’t have a cutoff valve. You’re fucked.” (Thanks Greg). Justin, who has been outside with us (surveying the situation like a union foreman) decided that he had had enough and walked back into the house….closed the door…..and flipped the lock. Yes – he locked me out of the house. Greg fell over laughing. I finally bribed Justin to unlock the door by promising Legos and cookies.

Thirty minutes later the plumber showed up and assessed the situation. Between Justin’s toys everywhere, water leaking out of two rooms, a burning smell from the kitchen (because I forgot that Justin and I were making cookies), and now a burst light bulb in the entryway – I’m fairly certain this guy was going to call “Child Protective Services”.

He spent ten minutes snaking the drain and then came back into the house. His only question to me was “Are you potty training your son?” I was shocked!! I thought he was the Amazing Kreskin! How the hell did he know that?!?!?!?! “Yes,” I said proudly. He responded, “I guessed that because you clogged your pipes with used baby wipes. I just pulled a lump of them out of your drain. Stop doing that.”

And………THAT is how 10 baby wipes ended up costing me $245.00.

Potty Training Weekend

Saturday –

Awake at 6am – two small accidents, one HUGE bulls-eye “Daddy Style.” Yeah!!!

12:00pm – I saw him go around the back of the sofa to his poop spot. I grabbed him and we ran to the potty. He took off his pants, sat on the potty, and then ordered me out of the bathroom. I am now sitting outside the bathroom door waiting for him.

12:05pm – PPPPPooooooooppppppiiiieeeeee!!!!!!! He crapped in the potty!!!!!!!!!!!! (It was a lot!!)

5:10 – accident on the floor. All fixed.

6:00 – peepee in the potty!

7:35 – long pee into the toilet. Afterwords, he looked at me and screamed, “I’m a genius!!!”

8:35 – last peepee of the day in the toilet. It’s been a very productive day. Tonight, we both get a break and he’s in a diaper for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow, we start again!!

Sunday –

Awake at 7am. Came into my room. Told me he needed to peepee in the potty and then he did. Off to a great start today!!

8:00 – accident, but close. He decided that he wanted to go potty by himself. He walked down the hall and closed the door. (I followed him and sat outside the door.) I heard him pull off his pants, go pee pee, then nothing, then he said “uh, oh – DADDY!!!!” I opened the door and found him standing on the stool with poop on the seat, poop on the stool, poop down his leg, and poop on the towel I put under everything. He helped me clean up and ended up getting a toy for being close.

9:35 – peepee in the potty!

10:30 – accident. Not even close to the potty. 🙁

1:00pm – went peepee in potty

4:00pm – woke up from nap. Did not go peepee in bed. Went straight to potty!!

6:10 – told me he needed to pee in potty. We made it! Success!!

Monday –

Awake at 6:45 – woke up dry. Made peepee in the potty!

9:06 – Just did drop off at school. He is wearing his underpants and he excited to show everyone!

5:30 – Just got Justin from daycare. Teacher Lily was very surprised at his progress from over the weekend. He had 1 1/2 accidents at school. Once he dribbled on his pants (that shouldn’t count) and once on the playground. Other than that, lots of successes today!

9:00 – I walked away from justin to put away dishes. All of a sudden I heard, “I DID IT!!” I turned the corner and Justin had gone down to the bathroom by himself, dropped his pants, and peed in the potty. He did the whole thing by himself – and DIDN’T want a toy as a reward!!!!!!! Yeah!!!

Tuesday –

7:00 – Justin woke up. Bed was dry. Walked straight into the bathroom and took the longest pee I’ve seen – ever!