Cash for Crap (Payment for Poop)



The art of negotiation is alive and well in my house. Both GWE and I heavily rely on our negotiating skills on a daily basis both personally and professionally. So, it should come as no surprise that our sons have absorbed all of our conversations, tactics, (and some cases) my ‘colorful’ language and attempted to use their new-found skills against us.

Justin is figuring out how to negotiate, but he does not understand the concept of ‘leverage.’ He needs to have something I want in order to begin a negotiation with me….specifically for the Nintendo Wii U he has so anxiously craved for the past year. Many of his conversations have begun with, “Daddy. You will get me a Wii U if I’m nice to my brother for a year, right?” I then have to (again) explain to him that there are certain things I require him to do without expecting any form of gratitude in return. These include: be nice to your brother, clean your room, flush the potty after EVERY use, etc. I have told him that ‘if’ I see grades that I’m pleased with, then we can begin the Nintendo negotiation.

Garrett not only figured out the art of negotiation, but he also recognizes the power of cold….hard…cash! No more Legos. No more stuffed animals. He wants cash so he can get his own toys!

In Garrett’s kitchen, he has a cash register filled with fake money. The more he accumulates, the happier he is. (Smart kid.) However, as we continue to work on his potty training, I need to make sure that he’s actually doing something while sitting on the potty. Like any good negotiator, Garrett recognized that I wanted something…and that he wanted something…and so, he began to negotiate.

“Daddy! Here’s the deal,” he announces, like he’s doing me a favor. “I’ll let you look at my poopoo, but I want money.” See – he’s got the leverage on me because I need to make sure he did something in the toilet before he gets off. And, he’s specific about what he wants – CASH! What he doesn’t realize is that I’m robbing his cash register and paying him with his own money. So, it’s a win for both of us! (Except for last week when Justin caught Garrett taking my debit card out of my wallet and trying to hide it in his ‘secret drawer.’ That’s another story.)


I’ve paid thousands of (fake) dollars over the past few weeks for the honor of seeing my son’s poop. I don’t know what the going rate for poop viewing is, but I suspect I’ve raised the limit!



The Hotmobile

HotGarrett’s potty training has been going well. To the best of my knowledge, he has not had an accident in over two weeks! This has been very exciting news! (Although, probably not to him when he reads this 10 years from now and he realizes that his dad had been posting poop updates on the internet.)

However, I think we might have overdone it with the reward system. Garrett knew that if he went pee-pee in the potty, he’d get a small toy and if he started going poopy in the potty he would get a larger toy. Here is an example of how he planned his rewards.

I didn’t realize that Garrett would apply this Pavlovian response to other things in life.

Several weeks ago, I purchased a new car. Garrett was very excited about it and began calling it “The Hotmobile” long before it actually arrived. He is his grandfather’s son and has a love for all things automotive. There have been two occasions when I’ve reprimanded him from actually kissing the car. (Yes, he kissed the car.) When I asked him why he did that, he told me that he loved the car so much he had to kiss it.

On Saturday, while helping me pull the trash cans out of from the street, Garrett stopped to admire the car once more. I watched him closely in the hopes that I wouldn’t have to intervene in another make-out session with my Lexus.

As he stared at the car, I could see his brain working. Then he turned to me and said, “That’s not a pee-pee toy, daddy.”

“Nope.” I responded. “That is not a pee-pee toy.”

Another moment of silence. “Daddy? How many poops on the potty did you have to do to get that car?” I could not contain my laughter. It was too funny.

“Well buddy… only took me 37 years of pooping on the potty!”

There was a pause followed by, “Good work, daddy.”


The Art of Potty Training Negotiation (with a 3 Year Old)

Lego-2-200x200“That is not a poopy toy!! IT’S A PEE-PEE TOYYYYY!!!!!!!”

That is what Garrett yelled at my face from only three inches away. (There was an emphasis on the “P.”) I stared into his eyes while slowly wiping away his spittle from my cheek. Calmly, I insisted that if he wanted that toy…then I wanted him to poop in the toilet. As a Talent Manager, I’ve seen my share of shitty negotiations. But this……this was the “shittiest” negotiation of all time.

In (yet another failed attempt) to potty train Garrett, I resorted to bribery. In exchange for going pee-pee, I gave Garrett Hot Wheels cars and squirt guns. These were merely trinkets. Garrett knew there was better stuff on the horizon, but he wouldn’t give me what I wanted in order to get it.

Much like having fantasies of grandeur while holding a lottery ticket, Garrett began to dream BIG about what he could get for going potty. He even took it to the next level: Internet Research! Garrett took GWE’s iPad, opened the Kids’ YouTube app, tapped on the microphone, and started asking YouTube to provide him with Lego options. From his bedroom, I could hear him command the app by saying, “Lego Firestation,” “Lego Police Station,” and “Lego Trucks.”

Once he found what he wanted, he decided to present his argument (via YouTube clips) to me as to which toys he should get for going pee-pee in the potty and which toys he should get for going poopy in the potty. I agreed with him that some of the smaller items could be considered pee-pee toys. But then, the toys started getting larger…


“Daddy, if I go pee-pee in the potty, you’re going to get me the Lego (pronounced “Yego”) Fire Station.”

“No,” I responded. “That’s a poopy toy.”

“But, daddy!!!!!! It has two garages and a fire truck and a pole the man slides down!! It’s a pee-pee toy!” he replied.

“Nope. You can get the little Lego Mixel if you go pee-pee. The Fire Station is for pooping only.” I offered.

“NOOOOOO. I go pee-pee and you get me the LEGO…..FIRE….STATION!!”

I prepared my counter-offer. “I will get you the Lego Fire Station only if you go poopy in the potty five time with no accidents.”

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOoooooooooo” he screamed as he flung himself onto his bed. “IT’S…….A……PEE-PEE…..TOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

After a few minutes of sobbing, he collected himself and tried a different tactic. “Ok, daddy,” as he wiped away the tears. “Here’s the deal….” Yes, he really says that now. “This (point to YouTube again) is the Lego (“Yego”) Police Station. This is a pee-pee toy!”

“Nope. That’s a poopy toy also.” I stated matter-of-factly. Angrily, he stared at me. I was a little concerned that he might reach back into his diaper, pull out a fresh poop, and fling it at me like a monkey. Luckily, the diaper was dry.

I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending. It’s doesn’t. We’re at a stalemate. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis of Toilet Training. Garrett keeps making Lego demands on me while continuing to deny the potty’s existence.

I am preparing to impose the Closed Wallet/No Lego sanctions of 2015 on him!



We’re Gonna Potty (Train) like it’s 2010!

underwearI have been changing diapers every single day since 2006. I have officially had enough! The time has come to induct our youngest son into the Pantheon of Potty Pishers! We are now 6 days away from the potty training known as “Poo-mageddon 2014!”

Much like his older brother did 4 years ago, Garrett will spend this upcoming weekend locked in our house with an agenda and a daddy on a mission. Once again, GWE will be out of town…thereby allowing The Priluck Men to conduct “Man Business.”

Justin, Garrett, and I will be armed with nothing more than a package of clean underwear, special toys that I have chosen as Garrett’s rewards, and an alarm that will go off every hour on the hour alerting us to “Return to the Potty.” For 48 hours, I expect this house to stink. But, in the end, it will stink with the foul odor…of victory!!!!

Justin and I were successful with this routine several years ago. You can read about it here.

Wish us luck!!

The Big “Uno”

Today is Garrett Logan Priluck’s first birthday. Or, as I like to refer to it, the first anniversary of the second time I got a peek at my wife’s internal organs.

I have spent a whole year with this “stranger” in the house and I’ve learned a lot about him. These are just a few of the things that I now know about my son:

1)      He has a dance move called, “The Garrett” – he puts his arms straight out and ‘flaps’ them as fast as possible back and forth towards his body when he gets excited.

2)      He is a non-stop drool machine. Garrett is like a snail. Just follow the trail of slime and you will find him at the end of it.

3)      He will get your attention by slamming his legs down repeatedly.

4)      He is always happy, even when he is sick. I’ve never seen a happier child (with the exception of Justin.)

5)      When he crawls into my room and settles near my nightstand, he always pulls out the same book – “Tales from The Far Side.” (I guess he likes talking cows.)

6)      His guilty pleasure is to sneak into his big brother’s room while no one is watching. He likes to prop himself up on the stool or play with the fake sword cover.

7)      He will eat anything. Baby food, pizza, pasta, hummus, chili, etc. It’s just a waiting game to see what he can digest and what he can’t. We affectionately call this, “When did Garrett eat corn!?!?!?”

8)      He likes to do “Super Baby” (me lifting him in the air while laying on my back on the master bed.) After he ‘lands’, he immediately rolls over and tries to climb back on top of my chest for another ride. However, he usually gets tired and ends up sitting on my face.

9)     Garrett’s attempts at kissing include him using his teeth (and biting.)

10)   Garrett prefers to be naked. (Who doesn’t?)

11)   He desperately wants Justin’s green television remote control. In fact, he wants it so badly that he is willing to put himself in harm’s way to get it. (Justin has shown great restraint. He has not whupped his little brother’s ass over this issue….yet.)

12)   He has a fascination with my bathroom. He just likes being in there. I have no idea why.

It has been a fantastic year of getting to know Garrett. He is sweet, loud, gentle, funny, strong, cute, and produces the foulest poops you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday, Monkey!!

My Name Is Aunt Jemima. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.

Earlier this week, Justin and I decided to go out for breakfast. I asked him where he wanted to go and he chose IHop. While we were in the car, the following conversation took place:

Me: “I am going to get the biggest pancake they have.”

Justin: “Ooh….me too! I want one bigger than my head!”

Me: “I want one bigger than my whole body!”

And then, Justin’s imagination kicked in….

Justin: “Daddy, I want you to get a big pancake and when the lady puts it in front of you, I want you to grab your fork and then the pancake will grab the knife and you will fight each other to see who gets to eat who. And you will lose. And then the pancake will cut you into little pieces and then grab the syrup and pour it all over you and then eat you.”

Me: “Well, that sucks.”

Justin: “And daddy…when the pancake is done eating you, it will poop you out like scrambled eggs.”

Me: “I think I’ll just have some toast now. Thanks.”

Justin: “It’s ok daddy, because I am going to kill and eat your pancake’s baby pancake.”

Me: “You will avenge me?”

Justin: “I will say, ‘This is for eating my daddy,’ and then I will pour syrup on him and eat him.”

Me: “Thanks buddy.”