Category Archives: Food

Forget “Ocean’s Eleven” and Meet the “Albertsons’ Two”

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GWE’s instructions were simple: take Justin to Albertsons on Friday morning, pick up his birthday cupcakes, and then drop off Justin and the cupcakes at school. That was it!

At 8:30am on Friday morning, Justin and I left the house and headed over to Albertsons. We walked into a virtually empty grocery story. There were no other customers and barely any staff. We went over to the pastry/cake counter and waited for someone to help us. It took several minutes before we were even noticed. A nice man (with limited English skills and a big smile) came out from back and asked “You…help?” I told him that an order for birthday cupcakes was waiting for us under the name “Jason.” He continued to smile, went into the back, and after a few more minutes – he emerged from a cold locker with 2 dozen Lightning McQueen cupcakes. I thanked him; gave a dozen to Justin to carry to the car; took the other dozen myself and off we went!

Justin and I got back to the car, popped open the hatch, and then carefully loaded our precious cargo into the car. After we were done, we jumped back into the car and headed to school.

In between Albertsons and school, I had a random thought – “I wonder if GWE pre-paid for the cupcakes or if I was supposed to pay for them that morning.” I grabbed my phone and quickly called GWE (twice), but there was no answer. At the end of the second call attempt, we were already pulling into the school’s parking lot – so I decided to hang up and focus on getting Justin and the cupcakes into the classroom without being mobbed by sugar-seeking, zombie 4 year olds.

After I filled out his paperwork, I wished Justin a “Happy Birthday”, and then headed back home. As I got back on the road, GWE returned my call. I told her that all had gone well and we made the pickup and delivery with no problems. My curiosity got the better of me again and I asked, “Hon – did you pay for the cupcakes or was I supposed to?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. She replied, “Of course you were supposed to pay for them. You didn’t leave the store without paying for them, did you?”

At that moment, I realized what I had done. I had just stolen 2 dozen children cupcakes from our local grocery store. And, I made Justin my accomplice….AND, I made him an accomplice ON HIS BIRTHDAY!!!

Some dads are cool – they buy their kid a car on their sixteen birthday or get them a hooker. I made my son rob a grocery store at the tender age of five!

Only One of Us Feels Better Now

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This picture was taken last night. It’s taken me 24 hours to come to terms with being violated in such a disgusting manner. Garrett ERUPTED after a feeding and blasted me on the chest, neck, ear, chin, and leg.

The first blast was gross. Justin happened to be in the room and he burst out laughing. The second blast was more forceful and reminded me of the “Dancing Waters” fountains in front of the Bellagio Hotel. The third (and final) blast concerned me to the point where I imagined Max Von Sydow in the corner of the room flinging holy water at Garrett while screaming, “I CAST YOU OUT, DEMON!!”

I need another shower!

 

The Vanishing Spit-Up

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GWE discovered that if you let Garrett have 30-40 sucks on the bottle and then immediately burp him, he has a much better chance of not spitting up all over himself, us, the furniture, the plants, the aquarium, etc. We’ve been diligent about getting a burp out of him before we continue to feed him. Last night was no different – It was just past 1am and I had just finished feeding Garrett his bottle. I burped him well and then he lazily “lounged” in my arms in his milk-drunk stupor.

After his feeding, I decided that I was hungry as well. So, I went into the kitchen and made a small bowl of cereal – Frosted Mini-Wheats to be precise. With Garrett cradled in one arm and a cold bowl of cereal in the other, I made my way back to the sofa to watch a little television. As I sat, I balanced Garrett on my left leg and placed the cereal bowl between my legs. I had a bite or two of cereal when all of a sudden Garrett’s eyes popped open. He “flung” his little body forward and proceeded to make a burp/spit-up/heaving sound that reminded me of a large cat coughing up a wet fur ball.

Immediately, I assumed that he spit-up everywhere. I was waiting for the hot (and then instantly cold) splash of vomit to cover my shirt and pants…..but nothing. I looked at my clothes, no spit up. I checked out his Onesie, no spit-up. I looked on the sofa, no spit-up. I looked at the carpet, still – no spit-up. At that point, I thought that I was in the clear – no spit-up! It was just an awful burp.

And then I looked at my lap and saw the bowl of cereal…..my WHITE, MILKY cereal. His head has been directly over it when he burped. I honestly couldn’t tell if there was spit-up in my cereal or not. It looked ok….but all of his spit-ups look WHITE and MILKY!!! I used the spoon to poke at each exposed mini-wheat. Nothing……

At 1:15am I seriously thought – “do I continue eating the cereal or not?” I looked into Garrett’s eyes for answers. He stared back at me, smiled, and then farted.

I decided to throw the cereal out.

An Open Letter to “Future Me”

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Each of us has a “Me” and a “Future Me.” “Future Me” is the you in the future who is stuck dealing with the consequences of the actions from the “Me” from right now. Allow me to explain – suppose you went drinking with your friends and you had a few too many. (This is the action of “Me”) You did it because you were feeling good; you were hanging out with friends; or maybe you were trying to impress some girls. Life at that moment is good! “Future Me” is the you a few hours later who is in pain and blowing chunks because the past version of you drank too much. You see – “Me” acted recklessly knowing that there were no immediate repercussions. “Future Me” is the schmuck laying on the floor of the bathroom “praying to the porcelain god” even though he wasn’t the one drinking – that other version of you was! (It’s complicated, but I know you get it.)

So I would like to address this blog posting from the “Current Me” to the “Future Me” –

“Dear Future Me,

You are tired. You are so beyond tired that you are bound to make mistakes. I’d like to help you avoid one now. In the kitchen (and the picture above), you will notice that the Similac POWDERED Baby Formula is entirely too close to the Sugar Free Hazelnut POWDERED Coffee Creamer. One of these goes into your coffee and one of these goes into your child. So far, you have survived a full month of 2:00am and 4:00am (one-eye shut) formula mixings and feedings without making a mistake. However, I would suggest moving the creamer – otherwise, your baby will be getting a Hazelnut surprise during his next feeding and you will get more nutrition in your next cup of coffee than you expect.

Thank you….and I apologize for the Mexican Fiesta dinner you will be dealing with later on!

All the best,

Me”

The Big Brother

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(Photo courtesy of MoGWE – Mother of Greatest Wife Ever)

He wouldn’t be afraid to show his feminine side…if he had one.

His personality is so magnetic, he can’t even carry credit cards.

He once shot a man in Reno…just to watch him die.

He’s a lover… Not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.

He is ….. the most interesting “Big Brother” in the world!

PS – “Stay thirsty (for Similac) Little Brother”

 

 

 

 

Just a Little off the Top

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The clock was ticking. Garrett only had seven days left with his penis intact. I begged him to “use it or lose it,” but he ignored my advice and wisdom. Instead, he continued to drool on himself and poop into a diaper. On the eighth day, (like a gunslinger in the Old West) the Mohel arrived on our doorstep looking for my baby’s schmeckel. He was carrying a satchel of tools, a few extra Tallit (religious robes), and a gleam in his eye. Someone was about to lose their foreskin!

For those of you who don’t know, Jewish law states that a circumcision is a ‘mitzva aseh” (“positive commandment” to perform an act) and is obligatory for Jewish-born males. It is performed at a “party” where family members and close friends gather to hear the child’s Hebrew name, watch a foreskin cutting, and then nosh on mini deli sandwiches. At this party, it is better to be a guest than the Guest of Honor!

Justin’s circumcision was the first one I had attended. It was done by Dr. Fred Kogen. He performed a wonderful, heartfelt ceremony and then he proceeded to remove by son’s foreskin with three or four quick moves. I remember thinking, if he’s this good at circumcision – I bet he’s got fantastic turkey-carving skills at Thanksgiving!

For Garrett’s circumcision, we asked Dr. Kogen to return to do the honors. Once again, he performed a touching ceremony! However, without going into too much detail about the actual procedure, I can tell you that Garrett’s reaction was far different than Justin’s. When Justin was clipped, he cried (even though he was completely numb.) When the time came for Garrett to get cut, we laid him on the table in front of the Mohel. Grandpa Bob held his upper body in place as I held down his right leg and my father held down his left leg. And then, there was silence…..

In the few seconds before the Mohel went to work, Garrett stared at all four of us defiantly. The look in his eyes said, “I know what you’re about to do. Go ahead and take it! I’ve got eight more inches to work with!!”

After it was all said and done (and in accordance with Jewish ritual), I took Garrett’s foreskin (and the umbilical cord that had just fallen off) and went outside to bury it. To this day, Justin and Garrett’s foreskins are buried next to each other under my lemon tree.

If my lemon tree ever decides to produce fruit and I’m able to make juice out of the lemons, I will bottle it like a fine wine and label it, ”Dos Prepucio Vineyards” aka (“Two Foreskin Vineyards”)