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Category Archives: Toys
Toy Story 4: They See You When You Sleep
Several days ago, Garrett left a GI Joe toy on the back patio. It had been laying in the same position on the concrete for days. GWE confessed that each night she would check to see what position the toy was in and then she would check again the following morning to see if it had moved. I thought this was hilarious.
“Toy Story” had gotten her to consider the possibility that Justin and Garrett’s toys came to life at night. So, I decided to stay up one night to prove her wrong….
Here is Garrett’s GI Joe. It’s face-down on the concrete.
Um…ok…now GI Joe is standing up. The wind probably picked him up. No need for alarm.
Uhhhhhhh…….maybe the wind is stronger than I thought. Clearly, GI Joe has gotten closer to the house. Somehow, the sliding glass door opened. Strange…
What the what?!?!?!?! GI Joe is walking down the hallway????????
Are you kidding me?!?!?! GI Joe is on the move! (Wow!! He’s fast!)
More photographic evidence that GI Joe is alive!! Holy cow!!
He’s going into Justin’s room!
OH SHIT!! I’VE BEEN SPOTTED!!!
HELP!!!!! HELP!!!!! HEL………….
“That’s All I Need, Daddy!”
As I stopped at the gas station this morning, I opened the back door and discovered a collection of toys, stuffed animals, kids’ clothing, baby wipes (new and used), a musical instrument, a video game to a Nintendo 3DS, an instruction packet (to another game I’ve never heard of,) two “sippy” cups (one with old milk….or new cottage cheese,) one sock, a Zooble, and two cars seats filled with “Lexus Trail Mix.” What is “Lexus Trail Mix” you ask? Old Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, raisins, crunchies, gummy bears, and what are either dead grapes or blueberries. (I’m still not sure which.)
It dawned on me that both of my sons have turned into “The Jerk.” When going for a ride in the car, they don’t need anything – except this, that, and the other thing. All it made me think about was this scene:
Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You
On the first day of Robotics Class, one of the owners of the facility pulled GWE aside and did a “Full Court Press” to have us sign Justin up for more classes. The school was insistent that we add months of classes RIGHT NOW because, 1) THEY were in demand and could not guarantee space for him in the future, and 2) THEY needed to know OUR level of commitment. GWE wisely responded that it seemed presumptuous of us to make a commitment like that…especially since he hadn’t even begun his 1st class yet.
Four weeks later, Justin and I entered the Robotics School for his last “pre-paid” session. I was prepared for the return of the “Full Court Press” and had my excuses ready as to why we would not be continuing with the program. I was going to start with: “Well, it’s the Summer and we want Justin to do outside activities.” I was prepared with the backup: “Well, we’re going to be traveling to see family this Summer and we wouldn’t be around much.” And finally, I had the “Discussion Ender” ready if push came to shove. It was: “You people creep the hell out of me and I want you to leave my son alone.”
Sure enough, I was summoned to the main office while Justin was hard at work in the classroom. The same owner who approached GWE weeks earlier curtly asked, “Will Justin be continuing with us?” I smiled politely and was prepared to gently give her the bad news that we would not be moving forward. But, she abruptly cut me off by announcing, “We don’t believe Justin should come back. Maybe in 6 or 8 months, but not now. He’s not ready for this.”
Mentally, I said “Hey asshole! You can’t break up with us because we’re breaking up with you!! You can take your crappy tablets, your shitty Lego mechanical building blocks (too small for the human eye to see), and you can program them to crawl up your ass and die!”
Verbally, I said “I agree.”
And with that, I took my son’s hand…told him that he never had to come back again…and we both farted on our way out the door.
I’m a Good Father, but a Sore Loser!
My parents were in town this weekend and they spoiled the boys with gifts and games. Justin was fascinated by a magnetic Checker board they bought him. Without knowing the first thing about how to play Checkers, he challenged my mother to a “friendly” game.
I sat next to him and guiding him on how to play the game while (at the same time) reminding my mother that he was only six years old and had never played before. Basically, I told her to “take a dive” and let the kid win. It’s not easy to purposely lose at anything, but my mother was gracious and allowed my son to triple jump her pieces for the win!
The following day, Justin was feeling confidant in his Checkers skills and challenged me to a game as well. In all honesty, I was not able to take my own advice. I am a grown man with a competitive nature, an inability to accept failure, and the Grinch-like heartlessness to cheat against a child when it comes to boardgames. Was I about to lose to a loud-mouth, six year old? Nope. (I tried. I really tried. But, Justin was taunting me verbally and I had to “knock him down a peg.”) Needless to say, I destroyed him.
Since the rules of Checkers have not changed much in the past 100 years, Justin and I took it upon ourselves to add a few updated “allowances” to the game. They are as follows:
1) As long as your finger is on the opponent’s checker, they cannot move it.
2) If your opponent gets up for a glass of water or a pee break, you are allowed to remove two of their pieces from the board. If they don’t notice within 10 seconds of returning to the game, they don’t deserve to have them returned.
3) And finally, “King Me” is the least of your worries. I am introducing the checker piece entitled, the “King Of Pain.” I explained to Justin that if I stack 7 pieces on top of one another, my “King of Pain” can move as many spaces as it wants and in any direction and at any time – red spaces included!!
You may read this and think to yourself, “What kind of a monster can’t let a child win a game of Checkers?” I promise – one or two taunts from a 6 year old and you’ll be reaching for the “King of Pain” as well!!
Where’s the F#$%*^G BINKY?!?!?!?!?!
We were warned early on – child number one will want all of his toys, but won’t be so territorial about them. However, child number two will only want one or two toys…but, god help you if you touch those toys.
Pictured above is The Binky. To be safe, we actually have two of these. There is one in the crib and another in the diaper bag. It is a little “sucky” with an animal attached to the other side.
This toy has prevented nuclear meltdowns, tantrums of epic proportions, and quite possibly prevented Garrett from climbing out of his crib in the middle of the night to kill me in my sleep. I imagine him waking up at 3am and deciding that he doesn’t like how I’ve been blowing raspberries into his belly. He is probably thinking, “I’ve had it with his asshole and his crappy diapering skills. I’m going to smother him with his pillow tonight.” And then “suck…suck…suck,” he’s asleep again.
For about a week, Binky #1 disappeared and we had to use Binky #2 in its place. GWE and I began to panic. We were unclear as to what would happen if Binky #2 also disappeared. We were concerned and talking about what Plan C would be.
Somehow, Binky #1 reappeared in the middle of the crib one afternoon. Our nanny assumed that I found it. I assumed that GWE found it. GWE assumed that the nanny found it. None of us know where it was or how it came back.
I’m starting to wonder if Garrett was running a “Binky Drill” to see how we would react to the loss of his favorite toy. I don’t know if we passed or failed. All I know is that the Binky is back and it’s been LoJacked to prevent future disappearances!