Tuesday is trash day in our neighborhood. This past Tuesday, Justin decided that he wanted to help me bring the trash to the curb. All it requires is grabbing the trash bins, rolling them 6 feet forward, opening the gate, and putting them on the street. Our back yard is “L” shaped and fenced. The trash bins and gate opening are on the short end of the “L”. Directly overhead is a security light with an incredibly temperamental sensor. Either it doesn’t work or it is so sensitive that if you were to quietly “toot” a fart, every light in the back yard would BLAST on.

I agreed to let Justin assist me in this duty in the hopes that one day I would no longer have to do it and I could make it part of his chores. As any parent knows, doing something could take X amount of time. However, doing that same thing with a child makes X three times longer. We went outside, turned the corner to get the trash bins, and the security lights clicked on. It must have taken us a little longer to get the bins on the street because the lights clicked off before the end of our task.

After we were done, Justin turned to me and said, “Daddy, I want to pee – outside!” It was dark outside and I actually thought about it for a second. Ultimately, I decided, “why not?”

I realize that this is going to separate my male and female readers. Men will grunt in understanding and acceptance while women will think this is gross. It’s not. This is how men commune with nature. We pee on it.

Justin and I were standing in the dark at the corner where the two parts of the “L” meet. Together, Justin and I lowered our pants, aimed in different directions, and then I told him that we needed to “spray the weeds”. (That’s right, we multi-tasked! You can’t tell me that peepee isn’t going to work as weed killer!) I looked over and Justin had a look of sheer joy on his face. Justin was so into it that I saw him gently swaying back and forth to make sure he got all the weeds around him. I thought “gee – that’s actually a good idea.”

So, there we were – butts exposed, “draining the lizards”, being one with nature, killing weeds, and gently swaying in the breeze…..and then the lights BLASTED on because the sensors saw us!  We were both startled and started laughing hysterically as we pulled up our pants.

As we turned the corner to get back into the house, I looked up to see our neighbors (at the top of the “L”) looking in our general direction. We have been in this house for five years and I have NEVER seen those neighbors and the ONE NIGHT we decide to “kill the weeds” they just happen to be outside watching us. FANTASTIC! Now, I’m the creepy neighbor who gets naked in the backyard with his kid. I lowered my head in shame and quickly ushered Justin back into the house while the neighbors “pretended” not to notice us. Oy………I know whose house we’ll be avoiding this Halloween.