For the past week, I have been working on potty training Justin. Last night, while giving Justin a bath, I was sitting next to the toilet when I heard, “Glub” then “GLUB GLUB”. I casually reached over and gave the toilet a flush just to make sure everything was ok and it EXPLODED!! God knows what was in the bottom of that toilet, but it was now on the bathroom ceiling, the walls, me, Justin, the magazine rack, the mirror, etc.

I quickly grabbed Justin out of the tub, wrapped him in a towel (like a burrito so he couldn’t get away) and put him in his bedroom. Then, I pushed the stopper in the tub to have it drain while I dealt with the toilet. While cleaning shit/piss water off of everything, I looked over and realized that now the tub wasn’t draining either….and now Justin managed to find his way back into the bathroom to splash around in the previously mentioned shit/piss water.

Once again, I scooped him up and then got him dressed in pajamas and stuck him in front of the television. Then, I went back to the bathroom to clean it out. I moved all of Justin’s potty training stuff to the master bathroom. Sadly, curiosity got the better of me and I flushed that toilet as well. (In retrospect, I should have kept my head a little further away from the “blast zone.”) Now I had another toilet erupting.

I immediately grab my blackberry and emailed Audra that I need a plumber’s number ASAP (she was on a plane coming back from DC) because “We’re taking on too much water. ABANDON SHIP!! ABANDON SHIP!!”

In an effort to find a plumber at 10:00pm, I decided to call my neighbor Greg. Problem was – I couldn’t find his number!! So, I went back onto my Blackberry and Facebooked his wife, with “Call me, Help!” As soon as I hit send, I found their number in my kitchen (of course, Murphy’s Law). I call Greg and tell him what I needed, Audra landed and called back to tell me the plumber’s number is behind the kitchen cabinet, and as all the phones are ringing (and I’m sopping wet)- Justin chooses that moment to play “horsey” on my back. (Folks….I really wish I could make this up.)

Just as I finish explaining the situation to the plumber, Greg knocked on my door and said “I spoke with my friend and I know what to do.” We raced over to the sewer valve, opened the lid, and I heard him say “oh, dude, you don’t have a cutoff valve. You’re fucked.” (Thanks Greg). Justin, who has been outside with us (surveying the situation like a union foreman) decided that he had had enough and walked back into the house….closed the door…..and flipped the lock. Yes – he locked me out of the house. Greg fell over laughing. I finally bribed Justin to unlock the door by promising Legos and cookies.

Thirty minutes later the plumber showed up and assessed the situation. Between Justin’s toys everywhere, water leaking out of two rooms, a burning smell from the kitchen (because I forgot that Justin and I were making cookies), and now a burst light bulb in the entryway – I’m fairly certain this guy was going to call “Child Protective Services”.

He spent ten minutes snaking the drain and then came back into the house. His only question to me was “Are you potty training your son?” I was shocked!! I thought he was the Amazing Kreskin! How the hell did he know that?!?!?!?! “Yes,” I said proudly. He responded, “I guessed that because you clogged your pipes with used baby wipes. I just pulled a lump of them out of your drain. Stop doing that.”

And………THAT is how 10 baby wipes ended up costing me $245.00.