It’s A Boy Dance Party

photo.jpegMaybe Garrett was happy to see GWE leave for a few days. Or, maybe it was the realization that Justin wasn’t in the house to defend his room at that moment. I don’t know if it was a spontaneous act of excitement or if Garrett had been planning this for weeks. Last Friday morning, Garrett knew that there was no one to stop him. He knew that if he didn’t act quickly, his opportunity would be gone.

As soon he heard the click of the door being locked, Garrett turned and ran down the hallway. He flung opened the door to Justin’s room and began (what Saturday Night Live dubbed) the “Boy Dance Party.”

In case you’re unaware of what the “Boy Dance Party” is – enjoy!

 

Plant VS. Justin

Money Tree

It’s not a bribe. It’s just “a little somethin’ for yer troubles.”

Every year, each class in Justin’s school is assigned a science experiment to work on. The students do both group and individual experiments which are then put on display at a Science Fair/Silent Auction Fundraiser that the school hosts. This is a science experiment with a deadline!

Justin’s class decided to work with plants and other vegetation. Some of the students wanted to see the effects of colored water on the plants. Some wanted to see the effects of varying degrees of sunlight. Others wanted to see the growth differences between various beans. Justin’s plan was to simply “Grow A Plant.”

With four weeks to go, Justin planted his plant in a yellow pot. We went to Home Depot and he picked out a packet of wild flower seeds. When we got home, he put fresh soil in the pot…planted the seeds…watered them and waited…..

Week #1 – Nothing happened.

Week1

Grow!!

Week #2 – Nothing happened.

Empty Pot 2

For the love of God, please just grow!

Week #3 – GWE began to get concerned, so she asked me to get them growing. (Clearly, the ability to grow plants quickly was not a super power I was aware that I had.) I went back to Home Depot and picked out new seeds that I thought would grow faster. While Justin was at school, I replanted his science project.

Week #3.3 – Nothing happened.

Empty Pot 2

GROW, DAMN YOU!!! GGGGRROOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Week #3.5 – Nothing happened. So GWE called Justin’s teacher and asked for her advice. “Do we bring in a pot with no plant or do we “fix the problem?”” Justin’s teacher was calm and reassured us that sometimes this happens and that if we wanted to “fix” the plant – she would understand. The following morning, I explained to Justin that since his plant wasn’t growing, I would be going back to Home Depot (for the third time) to get an actual plant to put in the pot. I also explained to him that his teacher knew about what we were doing and said it would be ok. Justin asked, “Isn’t that cheating?” I replied, “No. Not if your teacher knew about it. She said this was okay.” He seemed satisfied with that explanation.

Week #3.6 – On my way home from work, GWE called me and told me that the teacher had pulled her aside that morning and mentioned that Justin had told his classmates all about our conversation in the car. Additionally, he said that I said that the teacher said that it was okay to cheat. GWE asked if I was aware of this “cheating” conversation. I hung my head in shame. Yes, I was aware of this conversation. Luckily, the teacher had a good sense of humor about this. (Note to self: Justin cannot keep a secret.)

Assignment Due Date – As you can see, Justin’s Science Experiment was ready to be handed in!

Flower in pot

It’s a MIRACLE!!!!

There is an addendum to this story. Several days later, Justin and I arrived at the school for the Science Fair and Silent Auction. We wandered around for a few minutes and then Justin took me by the hand and led me to his classroom. Before we got to his seat, the teacher pulled me aside and said, “You’re not going to believe what happened.” And, then she motioned for me to see Justin’s plant.

Full Plant

Not only had the “fixed” flower we planted gotten bigger……BUT THE OTHER SEEDS STARTED TO SPROUT AS WELL!!!!

I have affectionately begun to call this plant “Audrey II” and every morning as I water it on the porch I sing, “Feed me, Seymour. Feed me all night long…. “

Old MacDonald Had Some Boobies

CleavageRecently, Garrett began doing something new during his bedtime routine. GWE would lay him down in the crib while singing, “Old MacDonald had a Farm.” As she rubbed his back, he would start to wiggle his butt and call out animals that he wanted to hear the sounds of. GWE happily obliged by oinking like a pig and mooing like a cow. After hearing GWE sing about 4 or 5 verses with different animals, I decided to join in.

“Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!

And on that farm he had some…”

I blanked. I could not think of an animal found on a farm, nor could I think of a sound it would make. I had “Farmer’s Block.” So, I blurted out the first thing I could think of: “BOOBIES!” Immediately, I had Garrett’s attention. GWE glared at me with a look of “Oh, you must be kidding me!”

“Old MacDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O!

And on that farm he had some….BOOBIES. E-I-E-I-O!”

And then I had to quickly think of what “Boobies” sounded like. Once again, my mouth betrayed my true nature and revealed my inner 12 year old. I began to make the sound of “Motor-Boating” in the next verse.

“With a BUBABABABUBABA here and a BUBABABABUBABA there.

Here a BUBABABABUBABA there a BUBABABABUBABA

Everywhere a BUBABABABUBABA BUBABABABUBABA.

Old MacDonald had some BOOBIES. E-I-E-I-O!!!!!”

This new verse must have agreed with Garrett because he began to chant, “AGAIN!! AGAIN!!” I did the Boobies verse three more times that night. And, he has requested that verse MULTIPLE times every single night since it began. We have horrified young and old alike with our revised version of this song. GWE has warned me that Garrett was going to go back to daycare with another bad habit he learned from Daddy.

Today, Garrett and his nanny went to a music class at Gymboree. Afterwards, she emailed my wife with the following message:

We sang Old MacDonald in class and immediately after it was over, Garrett looked at the instructor (who was rather buxom) and shouted “BOOBIES!” Everyone laughed. Kids say the darnedest things, right?”

GWE immediately sent me the following message: YOU ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE.

E-I-E-I-UH-OH!!

Justin’s AFV Moment

Justin’s goal in life is to be on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” He really, really, really wants to hear Tom Bergeron call out his name as the $10,000 winner. Believe me, he’s done some very funny things over the years, but they’ve never been caught on video…until now.

Thanks to my sister and the Flip Camera she bestowed upon us, I now present you with “Garrett Discovers Justin on Porcelain.”

 

All I Want for Passover is My Two Front Teeth

It is said that we celebrate Passover to commemorate the story of the Exodus from Egypt. During the Seder, there is a lot of praying, a lot of Manischewitz, and the occasional plague. This year’s Seder was unlike any other for two reasons: 1) We discovered that “teething” should be added to the list of deadly plagues. And, 2) I almost considered reenacting Plague #10 myself by killing our first born due to his uncharacteristically obnoxious behavior. What started as such a promising and exciting celebration ended in frustration, tears, and delicious left-overs.

We arrived at the home of MOGWE and FOGWE at the time they had requested. GWE and I unloaded the car and brought in bags of clothes for the kids, toys, playmates for the baby, food for the baby, etc. Anything and everything we could have needed, we brought – just in case. It looked like we were moving in. Justin was happy to see his Uncle Ethan and everyone proceeded to move into the den for appetizers and drinks.

FOGWE surprised Justin with a remote controlled car. I immediately told Justin that he could play with it, but to be careful and not drive it over his baby brother who was lying on the play mat in the middle of the room. Justin handed me the car and asked me to put batteries into it. I proceeded to quickly load the car with batteries, placed it on the ground, flicked on the remote….and then I drove it directly over Garrett!!  (Yes – I am a wonderful role model.)

What you should know is that Garrett has been teething recently. There is saliva (“slime”) everywhere. It’s on his clothes, his chin, and his fingers. He swallows it so it’s in his belly and comes out with his poop, ie diarrhea. GWE and I decided to pick him up and place him on my lap so that he could see the Passover Appetizer action! He smiled, saw the chopped liver and gefilte fish, and then blasted 4 oz of a baby formula/saliva mix all over my pants and GWE’s pants. We were “slimed” for the evening. There is nothing like having hot-and-then-ice-cold puke on your clothes for the rest of the night!

Then, we passed him off to MOGWE, who gave him a few more ounces of formula. Garrett proceeded to thank her by spitting up a few more ounces all over her blouse, pants, and shoes. She passed him back to us and left to get changed again. In the meantime, we were struggling to soothe Garrett out of discomfort due to his teething.

We all then proceeded to the dinner table. GWE had Garrett to her right and I sat diagonally across from Justin. As FOGWE attempted to lead the table in ceremony and prayer, he simply could not be heard over the sounds of my five month old babbling out of pain and my five year old being silly at the table. Justin knows when he has a captive audience and that dinner table became his playground. He would not be quiet, he would not sit still, and he would not follow directions…..so, he was being a five year old.

After a VERY abbreviated ceremony, GWE decided to try and put Garrett to sleep in the crib. At this point, we were both starting to get worn down due to Garrett’s discomfort and Justin’s behavior. After a few minutes, we decided to check on him. He was as awake and as pissed as ever.

As the traditional Matzo Ball soup was being served, GWE and I made the executive decision to bring Garrett back to the table to give him his solids. I sat in GWE’s seat to feed Garrett, GWE took my seat, and then Garrett began to devour whatever I put into his mouth. It only took about 10 minutes for Garrett to finish his food and for our food to be served. However, this was 10 long minutes and Justin was nowhere to be found.

I decided to pass the baby back to GWE and I went searching for Justin. Unfortunately, I found him. As I opened the bathroom door, I discovered Justin with his hands in his hair and his hair soaking wet. There was water EVERYWHERE! He had wet down his head and used the liquid hand soap as shampoo. “JUSTIN!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!” I demanded to know. “I’m cleaning my hair, daddy,” he replied. I grabbed the towel behind him, tried to dry his soapy hair, gave up, and then marched him back to the table. He knew I was very upset, but I was exhausted and tired of him not listening. As we got closer and closer to the table, he begged to not be seen. My patience had ended and I tried to drag him to the table – kicking and screaming. MOGWE stepped in and decided to take Justin back to the bathroom to clean him up. I sat down and began to quietly eat my chicken.

Honestly, the rest of the evening was kind of a blur. I remember dessert and Justin finding the Afikoman. But, that’s about it.

As we drove home in silence, I thought about the evening and how it actually was reminiscent of a real Exodus. We had come to the grandparents’ house in hopes of good food and shelter, but my two little plagues practically destroy everything. And then, we were free to leave.

Baby Sabotage

As a father, I have recently been accused of “Baby Sabotage.” By definition, “BS” is when one parent is fully aware that the child they are passing off to another adult is either a) about to cry hysterically due to hunger, b) about to spit up, or c) about to poop/pee. In “BS,” it is against the rules to notify the other party that the child they are about to receive has an immediate need. That would be no fun!

Imagine getting a soda, shaking it violently, handing it to your thirsty friend, and then watching it explode all over them as they open the can. That is “BS!”

In the future, if I hand you my baby and then run in the other direction….I will have most likely “BS’d” you! Enjoy!