Sherlock: The Case of “What Happens in Vegas…”

holmesMany of you have been asking, “What’s going on with Sherlock?” Excellent question! So, I asked him…and he happily told me.

Several weeks ago, he was on Tinder when a pretty young woman contacted him. After a few conversations and some harmless flirting, she suggested that he meet her in Las Vegas for the weekend. He playfully continued their chat, but she repeated her offer to have him join her. Additionally, she told him that she was a Flight Attendant and that she could take care of his plane ticket and hotel room…should he end up needing one. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

With some skepticism, Sherlock accepted her offer. He had just enough time to roll out of another woman’s bed, get home to shower, eat, feed his pet, and grab some clothing before he raced over to the airport….where there really was a plane ticket waiting for him.

He flew to Las Vegas where he met (let’s call her) “Venus – The Vegas Vagina.” According to Sherlock, he was happily surprised how pretty and sane she was……and then they went back to her hotel room where the only “Strip” he saw was hers and the only gambling he participated in was “Do I wear one condom or two?” The following morning, he grabbed a few Gatorades, headed to the airport, and flew back to Los Angeles….just in time to meet another “date.”

Here’s the difference between Sherlock and GenXDaddy: Sherlock can leave at a moment’s notice to get laid. GenXDaddy cannot. I can’t walk out the door without first making sure I have at least one child, backup diapers, wipes, a bottle of water, an iPod/Kindle/3DS, a portable wi-fi device so a child can play with his iPod/Kindle/3DS, a jacket, some tissues (after a baby booger check), and then an extra 15 minutes so Garrett can pretend to play “driver” in my car seat.

Plus, no woman is flying me out of town to meet her for sex! Not even my wife – and she likes me!

So, to Sherlock I say – If you’re getting flown out of state for your “services,” you might want to start charging for it!

Siri, can you hear me????

(I posted this update yesterday on Facebook, but thought it was funny enough to repost on the blog. Enjoy!)

SiriI just got the iPhone 6 and it’s the first time I’ve had a Siri. Justin loves playing with the Siri feature, yet gets frustrated when “she” refuses to answer him because he forgets her name. He’s called her “Kristy,” “Kirsten,” and this morning he kept calling her “Candy.”

I tried explaining to him that women don’t like it when you call them by the wrong name. It’s better to learn that lesson now than when it REALLY matters.

The Greatest Pick Up Line…from a Three Year Old!

PoolWhile lounging poolside on vacation recently, Garrett found himself mesmerized by the baby pool surrounded by three waterfalls and two giant “geyser-like” structures that spit out water. As I stood by that pool, I watched him play in the pool, then play with the waterfall, then come back to the pool, then run over (and through) the geyser. This went on and on and on and on…..


However, Garrett’s attention was diverted the moment two girls walked over to play in the waterfalls. The girls were probably 10 or 11 and deep in conversation with one another. That did not stop Garrett from making an introduction. I watched as Garrett climbed out of the pool, walked over to the girls, and said, “Heyyyyyoooooooo, Ladies. I’m Garrett.”


The two girls turned their attention to Garrett for a moment, said “hello,” and then went back to their conversation.


Fearlessly, Garrett interrupted again. “I Garrett and I have something for you.”


“Oh?” replied the girls.


With a sense of confidence I do not possess, my son boldly decided to use his first pick up line. Garrett answered, “Yes, I have something that goes up and down.” (I assumed the worst.) He then paused for dramatic effect,”…..a garage!! My garage goes up and down!!” The two girls giggled and then walked away. For a moment, I watched him watch them walk away. I think he wanted to follow them, but he choose to stay with me.


It really was a good pick-up line. But, I think Garrett learned the most important lesson about trying to pick up women: “Daddy is a terrible wing-man.”

Duck you and the Ducking Duck you Ate!

Food Pic

Never before has Justin been so relieved to get food out of his mouth!

As the restaurant manager leaned over to apologize for our food service, I looked at Justin. He looked pale. In slow motion, I watched as he raised an empty plate up to his face just as partially chewed food began to pour out of his mouth like lava. All I could think of was “Why is Justin spitting out food RIGHT NEXT TO THE MANAGER?!?!?!”


Earlier that day, we decided to go to an Asian restaurant for my birthday. “MommaBob” was happy to join us and we all met at the restaurant. After we were seated, GWE took the liberty of ordering food. As we casually talked and got caught up, steaming plates of rice, dumplings, and duck eggrolls arrived at the table. GWE cut an eggroll in half and handed it to Garrett. After a few moments of chewing, he pulled something out of his mouth and handed it back to her. It was a duck bone!


GWE was not pleased. She pulled the waiter aside and told him how “unpleased” she was. Moments later, the manager came to our table (crouched down so that her head was in between Justin’s head and Grandma’s head) and she began to apologize profusely for the food. She told us that they had removed the dish from the menu until they could establish that there were no more bones in the food. The manager also volunteered that from time to time they would find bugs in the vegetables and they would discard everything and bring in all new vegetables. (Still not sure why this was relevant.)


That’s when I saw Justin spit food out of his mouth. All he heard was “bugs in the vegetables” and he was DONE! No more food in his mouth….no more food on his plate…no more food within sight!


It wasn’t until we explained that there were no bugs in the food (at that moment) that he breathed a sigh of relief. It took a few more minutes for his appetite to return as well.


All’s well that ends well…except for the duck.

50 Shades of Lego

My wife gazed at me longingly, but with a sense of urgency. We locked eyes. Slowly, she leaned toward me and seductively whispered, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

Now – where do you think my wife said these magical words?

  1. A romantic, candle-lit dinner for two,
  2. After a few drinks at a party, or
  3. On the Choo-Choo at Legoland’s Duplo Village Playtown while our two year old acted as “Train Conductor.”

Let me give you a hint: “All Aboard!!”


Get Out The Map

Last week, GWE was in New York for the first part of the week on business and then in Houston over the weekend with family. In total, she was gone for 7 days! SEVEN LONG DAYS!!!!


When we were in our 20s and she traveled for business, it was great. I used to love it when she traveled. Of course I missed her when she was gone. But, it was the “Welcome-home. I-haven’t-seen-you-in-a-week. Meet-me-in-the-other-room-without-your-clothes…” that made her travel more exciting. When she was gone, I’d make plans to have dinner with friends, maybe meet people for drinks, or actually see a movie in a theater. If I chose to neglect all of my responsibilities and not come home….the worst that would happen is that I’d have a hungry (yet, still indifferent) goldfish to deal with.


It doesn’t work that way when you are in your 30’s and have young children. They need things like food, clean clothing, and adult supervision.


Because this trip was a little longer than usual, GWE decided to make a map for the boys explaining where she would be going. I am attaching it below:

 map 1

 Seven days later, she returned to find that had “amended” her map. Once again, I am attaching it below:

 Map 2

 Do you see any difference???