Pho-Gettaboudit!

Pho2GWE and I were in the car yesterday with the kids on the way to a birthday party when we drove by a Vietnamese restaurant that I had never seen before. Pho (pronounced “Fuh”) is one of my favorite dishes and I’m always open to trying a new place because there aren’t that many Vietnamese restaurants where we live.

I especially like that the owners of these restaurants typically have a good sense of humor about their names. I’ve seen “Pho-King Delicious,” “9021Pho,” “Absolutely Phobulous,” and “Pho Shizzle” just to name a few.

As we drove by the new place, I pointed out that the name was funny. GWE asked, “How so?”

“The restaurant was called Pho CT,” I replied.

Pho

“I don’t get it,” she said.

“What do you get when you put together “Pho” and “CT”?” I asked.

From behind me, I heard Justin ask, “FUCKED???”

The fact that GWE didn’t drive off the road due to uncontrollable laughter is amazing. We both found it enormously difficult to maintain our composure while explaining to Justin why he shouldn’t say that word.

Finally, when the hysterics subsided and the kids where focused on other things, GWE turned to me and said, “This is your fault.”

I turned back to her and replied, “I don’t know what’s funnier: That he said it or that he figured it out faster than you!”

Garrett to English Translation

BathAs Garrett sat in the bathtub, he kept yelling, “Daddy! I want my pirate seat! I want my PIRATE SEAT!!!” “Huh???” I replied, quizzically. “What are you saying, Garrett?” “I WANT MY PIRATE SEAT!!!” he screamed again. I honestly had no idea what he was trying to tell me and asking him to “use his words” was pointless because…he was clearly using his words!! “Can you show me?” I asked. Frustrated, he stood up (with bubbles from his bubble bath covering him from head to toe.) His little soapy hand grabbed the shower curtain and he yanked it over. “OH!!!!!!! You want your PRIVACY!” I exclaimed. “Yea!!” he said, while looking at me with an attitude of, “That’s what I’ve been telling you, schmuck!” From now on, if Garrett tells you he wants his “Pirate Seat” – you better give it to him!

What’s in Garrett’s Pants???

Pants PicAs Garrett stood by my bed, he had his hand in the pocket of his pants and he was searching feverishly for something. There was a concerned look on his brow as he “rummaged” through his pants. Finally, he looked up at me with a sense of urgency and yelled, “PENIS!! PENIS!! PENIS!!!!!!!”

Two thoughts crossed my mind: 1) How was I going to quickly explain to my wife (who was also in the room) that our two year old knew that word?, and 2) Why was he so desperate to find it all of a sudden??

Finally, I asked, “Garrett – where did you learn that word?” (Knowing full-well, that somehow I was to blame.)

GWE turned to me and clarified, “He’s not saying ‘Penis!’ He’s saying ‘PENNIES!’ He’s looking for the pennies that he put in his pocket.”

Garrett chimed in, “Yes, mommy!! Pennies!!”

Whew – that was a close one!!

That’s What He Said #2

Garage

For the past few months, Garrett has had “R’age Rage” – an unending and fanatical fascination with our garage. To our two year old, a garage door going up and down is magical. All we’ve been hearing at home (and at MammaBob’s house) are the following phrases:

“R’age go up”

“R’age go down”

“Imma push the button!”

“Mommy push the button!”

“Daddy push the button!”

“I go Gramma house and push the button!”

But tonight, while Garrett was playing in the bathtub, I heard him scream the following sentence: “I go to the garage and I push the button. Up……Down. I’M THE KING OF THE R’AGE!!!!!!”

To Garrett – our garage is the bow of the Titanic!!

My Son’s Poetry Is Nothing Like the Sun

PoetryIt may come as a surprise to some people, but I enjoyed studying poetry when I was in school. I discovered poetry during my junior year of high school when an enlightened English teacher exposed me to the works of E.E. Cummings, Pablo Neruda, Langston Hughes, and Oscar Wilde. However, it was Shakespeare’s Sonnets that I found the most interesting. I was fascinated by “Shall I Compare thee to a Summer’s day?” and “Love is not Love which alters when it alteration finds…“ My favorite was Sonnet 130 – one of the most un-romantic, love sonnets ever written, which began “My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun.”

When Justin announced that he was having a poetry reading at his school, GWE and I made plans to attend. He told us that he had written his own poem, but would not share it with us until the evening of the performance. I begged to hear his poem. He said “no.” I pleaded with him to hear his poem. He still said “no.” Finally, I looked at him and told him that I had a poem for him to use. GWE looked at me with a skeptical look on her face.

I stood tall and with proper diction I began to present my poetry to my seven year old son:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers cannot deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get …..”

“STOP!!!!!” yelled GWE. Justin was on the floor laughing hysterically. GWE was giving me the “I-DON’T-APPROVE-OF-YOUR-PARENTING-CHOICES” stare.

“MORE!! MORE!!” said Justin. I continued to recite my poem:

“My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so hor…”

“STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled GWE again. Justin was laughing so hard he could not catch his breath. GWE rolled her eyes at me, muttered something about “he’s only seven,” and then she simply walked away. That was the end of our home poetry reading.

The night of the performance, I once again asked Justin what his poem was about. Again, he would not tell me. However, he did crack a smile and asked, “What was that poem you told me before?” I (wisely) decided not to share it with him again for fear of him standing in front the entire school just a few minutes later and repeating the wise words of Sir Mix-A-Lot. (I’m assuming Mr. Mix-A-Lot was knighted for his poetic works. Why else would he be a “Sir”?!?!!)

As we listened to the other children’s poems, two thoughts crossed my mind: 1) If he started with “There Once Was A Man from Nantucket…” – I would have to find him a new school because he would have been thrown out of this one, and 2) Knowing Justin, there was a good possibility that the word “Lego” would be used.

With poise and confidence, Justin stood in front of his classmates and recited his poem. He was great! I’ve attached his poem below:

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I think he’s got a great literary future. I can see the headlines now: “Priluck Wins Pulitzer.” I just hope he doesn’t tell the Pulitzer committee that he was inspired by the one night I waxed poetically about women’s posteriors and how they could not lie.

The Magic of A Garage Door

Having observed Garrett closely since his second birthday, I’ve come to the conclusion that the perfect age of life is 2. I know everyone warns you about the “Terrible Twos” (and I have a friend who believes that nothing is worse than the “F*@&ing Fours”), but Justin was a breeze at 2 and so is Garrett.

What I like about this age is that everything is new and exciting to Garrett. Simply going outside is an magnificent experience for him. Eating good food is exhilarating. Waking up and seeing garbage trucks outside his window is absolutely mind-blowing. Each and every experience is met with joy and wonder.

However, the one experience that has topped them all is the opening and closing of the garage door at the new house. We had a garage door at the old house, but it was manual. The garage door at the new house is electric!

I won’t tell you how Garrett experiences it. Instead, I’d prefer to show you: