Where’s the Pee???

At least nothing happened to the Nintendo 3DS Justin was hiding under his bed!

At least nothing happened to the Nintendo 3DS Justin was hiding under his bed!

It was my intention to write about three of four funny recent events with the boys. However, this evening, we had an incident with Garrett that made me so angry that I wasn’t able to get into “Ha, Ha, what a funny story!” mode. Now, I’m in the “Are you F#$#^&G kidding me????” mode.

At some point this evening, Garrett announced that he had to go to the bathroom. He made us pause the television and wait for him. After a few minutes, he returned with a guilty look on his face.

“Garrett? Did you pee in the potty?” I asked.

“Yes!” he announced to me and MoGWE. (Mother of Greatest Wife Ever)

I continued my mild interrogation. “But, I didn’t hear a flush. Did you flush the pee?”

“Yes!” he proclaimed.

Honestly, I didn’t believe him. My dad-senses were tingling and he looked guilty of something. I stood up and walked to the bathroom to see what had happened. From behind me I could hear MoGWE telling Garrett, “If you did something, you better tell your dad. He’s about to find out anyway!” I turned to see that his lips were sealed…with a smirk.

I looked in and around the potty. No evidence of anything. If he did it, he flushed it and that was the end of that.

A few hours later, with Justin soundly asleep in bed, I began Garrett’s nighttime routine. I put Garrett into pajamas, got him a cup of water, and I was about to read him a book when he whispered, “Daddy. I have to tell you a secret.” The smirk was still on his face, but now his whole body began to shake in a spastic manner like he was going to burst of excitement if he didn’t say this one thing.

“Ok. What’s your secret?” I asked, expecting to hear about something that happened at school that day.

“I snuck into Justin’s room, went under his bed, and peed on the floor!!!!!”  

He said it with the frenzied excitement of someone who just won the lottery or found out they weren’t the father on “Maury.” My guess is that he thought I would find it just as funny and exciting. I did not. And, clearly, he did not anticipate the level of anger from me that this action would elicit.

Needless to say, toys were taken, tears were shed, and I made myself perfectly clear: if you piss on the floor again – you better be prepared to sleep in it!

It’s a good thing Justin doesn’t know what happened. The one thing that really upsets Justin is the thought of Garrett coming into his room without his permission. If he ever found out about what happened under his bed, he might need therapy!

Go Directly To Jail

Jail-1One afternoon last weekend, Justin and I found ourselves in Burbank running a few errands before going to a comedy show. As we were walking down the street, I realized that we were in front of the door leading to the Burbank Jail. Justin wasn’t paying attention because he was walking while playing with my iPad. (He was multi-tasking.) 

We were only there for a few seconds when Justin took notice of the police car that stopped next to us. Two officers got out of their car and they escorted the person from the back of their car through the door marked ‘Entrance.’  

Justin waited until the door was closed before asking me the following question: “Daddy? Why is that man going to jail?” 

Without missing a beat, I replied, “That’s what happens when you don’t finish your school work.” 

I could see the blood drain from his face. Once he realized I was kidding, he laughed…and probably breathed a huge sigh of relief!



You Get A Time Out

As a parent, disciple is a tough thing to figure out. Trying to match the punishment to the offense is complicated and I typically take the easy way out with “Go to your room. You’re getting a Time Out.” Afterwards, I usually mumble something under my breath like, “I wish someone would give me a time out.” And then it dawned on me – I’m going to let my son give me a time out!!

I waited until the next time Garrett was frustrated with me and then I offered, “Should I get a time out?” I saw his 3 year old mind explode. “Yes!” he exclaimed. “You get a time out! You go to MY room.” That wasn’t an option I was expecting, but I decided to go with it.

With a mixture of anger and laughter, Garrett grabbed my hand and marched me into his room (much like I’ve done to him many times.) He then turned to me and yelled something that sounded like, ”ARGH ARGH BLAH BA MOMMY GARAGE YOU!!” and then he slammed the door shut. Finally, I had a few minutes of peace and quiet all to myself. I took the stuffed animal off his rocker, sat in the chair, laid the stuffed animal across my lap, and then closed my eyed.

Thirty seconds later, the door opened. He made eye contact with me and then looked down to see that I was “playing” with Chica The Chicken. He ran over and yanked it away while yelling, “NO TOYS.” Garrett stormed out with the stuffed animal and slammed the door shut again. At that point, I knew exactly how to aggravate him!

I grabbed another stuffed animal and waited. Again, he walked into his room to check on me. He looked down, saw that I was “playing” with another toy, and he angrily yanked it away from me  again while yelling, “NO TOYS!” We repeated this cycle over and over and over until Garrett realized that I was messing with him and then he thought it was hilarious. For the rest of the afternoon, we ran around the house and played other games to amuse ourselves.

However, at some point I wondered, “Gee – where did he put all the toys he took away from me?” And then I found this:

Time Out

At first, I thought it was hilarious to see how all of the toys he had taken away from me had accrued. And then, I had a terrible flashback to being a child and having my toys taken away from me only to discover them weeks later tucked away in my parents’ closet.

What was supposed to be a fun game with Garrett almost sent me into therapy over my own childhood!

I am a Motivational Spelling Expert!

Anthony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, and Jim Rohn may be great motivational speakers, but they could learn a thing or two from Gen X Daddy’s “Motivational Speller” program. In one easy step, I can have your child spelling like a champion! Having a hard time getting your son to spell “never?” I can fix that! Having a difficult time getting your daughter to spell “brown?” I can fix that too!

With my well-tested (one easy step) program, I can turn your illiterate first grader into a Spelling Bee Champion!!

Justin was having difficulty in school with some of his spelling words. He started the school year with excellent grades in spelling, but as time went on and his interest in spelling waivered – he began to get more and more of his spelling words wrong. GWE and I would spend evenings quizzing him and having him write down each word…and then we’d quiz him again. Nothing seemed to improve his grades.

Then, I stumbled upon the solution! Here is the secret to my “Motivational Speller” program: a Nerf N-Strike Elite. If you misspell a word, you get shot by daddy! It’s amazing how motivated a child will become while running away from six rapidly fired Nerf darts!


I thought the hand-written note on professional stationary was a nice touch!

Needless to say, Justin got a 100% on his spelling test this past week. Some may say that it’s the extra help he got from his tutor. Others may credit “Papa Jeff” for spending time with him and going over each word. However, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he found this note and Nerf Gun on his pillow the same day he crushed his spelling test!

Cheat or No Cheat?

ThursdayOn Friday evening, Justin pulled me aside and said, “Daddy, I have to tell you something.” I was not prepared for the honesty that was about to follow.

“Ok Justin, what do you want to tell me?” I asked inquisitively.

He paused for a moment and said, “I got a 100 on my spelling test.” (This did not seem like Earthshattering news.) And then he confessed, “I cheated.”

Just to be clear, I am not a saint. I have cheated from time to time. Unbeknownst to Tammy Parks and Greta Jackson, I would not have graduated from high school if it weren’t for their poorly covered Spanish tests. (Gracias!) I appreciate the fact that my college biology teacher, Mr. Druger, was too busy to realize that I handed in the same biology paper three separate times in the same semester…and it was written by someone else…and it wasn’t on biology. (It’s amazing what a Syracuse freshman will do for a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee.) Without incriminating myself any further, I think we’ve established that I know a cheat when I see a cheat.

I looked down at my son and asked, “How exactly did you cheat? Did you look at someone else’s paper?”

He looked down at his shoes and quietly explained that one of his spelling test words was “Thursday.” He was having a hard time with the word when all of a sudden he realized that his teacher hadn’t removed the calendar from the room. He quickly copied the word off the calendar and then handed in his test.

What I wanted to do was pat him on the back and explain, “That’s not cheating. That’s called ‘Taking Advantage of an Opportunity!’ With that skill, you’ll go far in life!” Instead, I thanked him for being honest and I asked him to keep his eyes on his own paper from now on.

And to those “few” people I cheated off of in school, I have one thing to say – I really wish you had studied harder. It’s no fun cheating off of someone who doesn’t know the answer either!

Sucker Punch

As a grown man, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been in my share of fist fights over the years. Sometimes two men need to walk outside, beat the crap out of each other, walk back inside, and have a drink. While I have never been the instigator, sometimes things escalate and you find yourself sending a few messages with your fists (and maybe taking a few responses by fist or elbow as well.) The point here is, I always knew I was about to take a hit…no one ever sucker punched me…until I had sons.

Justin and Garrett have made an art out of punching and/or kicking me in the face when I least expect it. Today was no exception. While sitting on the floor and leaning with my back against the sofa (and playing with Garrett), Justin climbed to the top of the sofa with his Pokémon yo-yo in hand. When I looked up to see what he was doing, he threw the yo-yo down at my head. My assumption is that he didn’t think the rope would be long enough to hit me in the head. He was wrong. I took a yo-yo to the eye. (Fact – the yo-yo was first used as a hunting tool. Hunters would patiently wait in trees and when an animal would come by – they would kill them with a well-placed yo-yo to the head.) Clearly, I lived and I sent him to his room.

Garrett decided that he did not want to be left out of today’s excitement. While playing with him on the ground, he went from “cute toddler” to “drunken, Irish hooligan.” (By the way, if you ask my Irish friends, they will tell you that all three words mean the same thing!) Out of nowhere, Garrett grabbed my head and began to bite my nose…HARD. After I said ‘ouch,’ he tried getting  up while smacking me in the face repeatedly. And finally, after he had gotten up, he began to use his new-found balance to lift his left foot and then stomp it on my head over and over again. All of this, while squealing and laughing. I could have put the camera down to protect myself, but the look on his face was too funny!

The pictures on this posting are of Garrett as he is in the process of kicking my ass. The picture below makes me laugh the most. He is in the middle of stomping on my head WHILE AT THE SAME TIME looking out to see if anyone else is witnessing the “beat down.”

The message here is – if you ever get into a bar fight, you’re going to want Justin and Garrett on your side. They are mean and they fight dirty!!!