There’s a Carpathian in the Crapper

vigonormalGarrett and Justin wanted to see “Ghostbusters.” I knew they were too young to see the new one, so I rented the original. They loved it. LOVED IT! They kept running around the house for days pretending to ‘bust’ ghosts. Whenever we got into my car (once referred to as “The Hotmobile,” now referred to as “Ecto-1”) they would request the “Ghostbusters” theme music on repeat and sing it as loud as they could over and over and over as Garrett made the siren sounds with his voice.

That all changed when the DVD of “Ghostbusters 2” arrived at the house. What started with excitement and anticipation ended in tears and a fear of going to the bathroom alone.

While the boys loved “Slimer” and “The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” in the first movie, they were a lot less jovial after seeing “Vigo the Carpathian.” Garrett didn’t seem scared. I would describe his reaction as ‘reserved.’ Justin was clearly bothered by the character and covered his face a couple of times.

I should have been a little more observant and understanding of Justin’s fear, but I wasn’t thinking. All I saw was a way to have fun scaring the kid who’d spent all week trying to scare me.

While the boys continued to watch the movie, I went to my computer, printed out a picture of Vigo the Carpathian, taped it to the inside of Justin’s toilet seat, and then quietly closed the lid. My trap had been set. I just needed Justin’s bladder to set this prank in motion.

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When it was time for dinner, Justin asked for us to pause the movie…and he never returned to it. Hours later, it was time for bed and I asked Justin to get ready. He put on his pajamas, brushed his teeth, and then climbed into bed. Knowing that the trap had not yet been sprung, I asked Justin to go potty. He told me that he didn’t have to.

“Justin – go potty before you go to bed.” I said.

“I don’t have to,” he replied.

“Justin – you’re going to have to go in the middle of the night. You might as well go now,” I reasoned.

“I don’t have to,” he said, again.

“C’mon, Justin. Just go!” I said in my deepened dad-voice as a ‘do-it-or-else.’

Begrudgingly, he got up, walked into the bathroom, turned the light on and then turned the light off and got back into bed.

“Justin! There is no way you went potty. At least lift the lid this time!” And then I waited………

Once again, he got up, walked into the bathroom, turned on the light, flipped the lid…..and then he SCREAMED a scream I had never heard before. At first, I was very pleased with myself. I got him and I got him good! I was expecting him to come out of the bathroom smiling with an “Oh dad. You got me so good” look on his face. That was not the look I saw when he came of the bathroom.

What actually happened was that he raced out of the bathroom and into his bedroom with tears streaming down his face and he was white as a ghost. He collapsed on the floor where I was standing and he began to shake while screaming, “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME????” My prank had blown up in my face and now my son was a crying blob on the floor who refused to go into the bathroom by himself for any reason.

Thankfully, Garrett was the one who saved the day!

As I got Justin into bed and tried to calm him down by telling him that everything would be ok, there was a moment of silence as we both heard Garrett walk into the same bathroom. I thought, “oh shit, it’s gonna happen again.” In silence, Justin and I stared at each other as we heard Garrett pull down his pants, then lift the lid…….and then, we heard him quietly laugh to himself……and finally, we heard the sound of him peeing. As if nothing was amiss, Garrett pulled up his pants, closed the toilet lid, flushed, and walked out.

Justin and I could not contain ourselves. We erupted in laughter. The thing that almost scared the (literal) crap out of Justin actually made Garrett laugh as he went potty!!

So, now we know, a Carpathian in the crapper isn’t for everyone!

 

Justin Makes A Bed – Mine?

Bed2Justin must want something, but he hasn’t told us what it is yet. However, there have been subtle clues around the house. Things are a little neater. Clothing has been put away and the “puppy-dog” eyes have made an appearance once or twice over the past two weeks.

The latest act of kindness has appeared in an unexpected place: my bedroom.

One morning, I climbed out of bed and wandered into the kitchen to look for coffee. When I returned, my bed was made and a note was placed neatly on the pillows:

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Wow – he must want something very badly if he not only made his bed, but made mine as well!! I wonder what he wants.

 

Bad Words for Good Kids

There are spelling words and then there are words I would consider ‘verbal diarrhea.’ Week after week, we go review Justin’s spelling words with him and he  usually does pretty well during the Friday spelling tests. However, this week, we’re dealing with a rectal explosion of orthographic study.  

Justin (a 3rd grader) was sent home with a new spelling word to learn, in addition to his 20 other spelling words. The word is: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. (Just for the record, I misspelled it twice while typing it….and I was reading it from a piece of paper!) It is a noun. Just from looking at it, I would have assumed someone died from it. Not the disease itself, but rather just from having to learn how to spell it. Whoever discovered it was smart enough not to put his or her name on it. 

Word1

 

I asked GWE if this was a legitimate spelling word or if it was a bonus word. We were confused. The instruction clearly stated that if the word was spelled incorrectly, four points would be deducted from the final grade. However, this word is ridiculous and clearly not in league with Justin’s other spelling words. For clarification, I asked GWE to email Justin’s teacher. 

The following day, the teacher responded that no points would be deducted if the word was spelled incorrectly. 

I’m starting to understand why Justin is confused in class. The written instructions did not match the verbal instructions. And, I still didn’t know if this was considered a bonus word. I decided to leave it alone and not care. However, I did offer GWE $10 to send the following response: 

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for your prompt response. We are sorry to inform you that Justin will not be participating in this week’s spelling test because he suffers from Hippopotomonstrosesquippediliophobia. 

Best Wishes,

Those Parents

 

Putt-Putt (Almost A Contact Sport)

Golf-1

It was a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon and Justin, Garrett, and I had nothing to do. GWE was on a flight to Toronto for a business trip and it was the first day of “Guy’s Week” aka “Home Alone: The Dad Edition.” As I looked at both boys lounging lazily on the sofa, I saw their pale skin and round bellies and thought they needed to be playing outside. Fresh air, physical activity, and sunshine would do them some good! However, I couldn’t get them to go to the back yard. No amount of passively saying “go outside” seemed to work.

And then, I had an idea! I walked over to the television, turned it off (to the sounds of bitter complaining and crying,) and told the boys to get in the car….or else. (“Or else” works a lot more than you might think!)

As we pulled up to the putt-putt place, both Garrett and Justin ‘excitedly’ screamed, “NO!!! WE DON’T WANT TO GO HERE!!” I turned around and informed them both that whenever they decide to get their driver’s license and buy their own car, they can go wherever they want! (Right…..that’s not going to come back and bite me in the ass in 6 years, 11 months, and 4 days from now.)

With anger in their eyes and hatred in their hearts (probably towards me,) they walked into the Sherman Oaks Castle Park. They were so angry at me, that I thought it would be hilarious to make them smile and look like they were having a good time. This is the picture:

Golf-2

I swear, they were not having a good time. They were angry!

Here is the problem with taking a 9 year old and a 4 year old to putt-putt. The 9 year old has spent months taking real golf lessons and is now competitive when it comes to the game of golf. He wants to play by the rules and WIN by the rules. The 4 year old DOES NOT WANT TO LOSE to his brother, but he also doesn’t want to follow the rules of the game either. So, this is what would happen: Justin would line up his shot, take his stroke, and usually be in the cup after 1 or 2 putts. Garrett would hit his first ball, run after it, pick it up, and then run over to the cup and drop it in.

Needless to say, Justin was having a meltdown every time Garrett did this and would get very upset because he felt as though Garrett was cheating. On the other hand, Garrett would see Justin get the ball into the cup first and then have an even bigger meltdown because he refused to lose to his brother. No matter how much I tried to explain to them that they were not playing against one another…..they saw it as all-out war against one another.

We only made it to the 6th hole before I gave up. Once Garrett tried to attack his brother with the golf club while screaming unintelligible words all the while having streams of tears coming down from his eyes and lines of snot pouring out of this nose, I thought….ok, we’re done.

Once we were in the car and everyone had calmed down, I heard Garrett ask, “Daddy? Can we come back tomorrow?”

Not kidding. He really said it.

 

It’s Only Rock & Roll (But, Garrett Likes It) Part 2

GuitarGarrettAs you saw last week, Garrett loves Rock & Roll. He loves the pounding beat of the drums, the rhythm of a bass guitar, and the wailing sound of a forceful lead guitar. Turns out, on top of all of that, Garrett also has a flair for the “presentation” of Rock & Roll as well!

While making a pit stop at one of our favorite video game stores, Garrett got a chance to express his inner-Rock God. He grabbed the guitar from the new Guitar Hero game, got into position, and began to do (what can only be described as) an impression of Pete-Townsend-meets-Jimi-Hendrix with a touch of Chuck Berry and the look of Buddy Holly or Elvis Costello.

In the middle of the store, Garrett began to rock out with his (bleep) out! Grown men wanted to be him. Grown women wanted to take him home! Grown store clerks want him to put it back! It was quite a sight for all to see.

Here is a little bit of the performance my son bestowed upon the shopping customers of Gamestop!

It’s Only Rock & Roll (But, Garrett Likes It)

pic-in-carOne of the things that Garrett likes the most about The Hotmobile is his ability to command the car (me) to play any music he wants at a moment’s notice…as long as it’s on my iPod or iPhone. I’ve heard “The Lego Movie” soundtrack two thousand times and I’ve heard the “Spongebob” soundtrack three thousand times. If I hear the “Goofy Goober” song or “The Campfire Song” one more time – not only will I rip my own ears off of my head, but I’ll shred them in the kitchen disposal!

So, here we were with Garrett listening to “kiddie” songs over and over and Justin’s music program at school having him sing garbage songs* like “Shut Up and Dance.” To be fair, they altered the chorus to “Come On and Dance,” but every kid singing knew what the original words were.

(*Just to be clear, I’m not a prude when it comes to music. I am, however, not thrilled when my son’s school’s music department chooses songs where the students have to go out of their way to avoid singing inappropriate lyrics. Just because a song has been “Disney-fied” and made kid-friendly, doesn’t automatically make it appropriate for a school performance.)

By the way – I’m a complete hypocrite. You’re about to find out why.

At some point, it dawned on me that The Hotmobile could become our musical classroom. It would give me a chance to “educate” my boys on the evolution of music. We started with The Beatles, (Early) Rolling Stones, Buddy Holly, Muddy Waters, James Taylor, Billy Joel, The Who, etc. It gave me a chance to give them more music to listen to than they were being exposed to.

What I learned was that Justin gravitated towards Soul, R&B, and Hip-Hop. On the other hand, Garrett really surprised me. He likes Rock & Roll. Correction, he LOVES classic Rock & Roll whenever he hears it. He screams “ROCK & ROLL” at the top of his lungs while doing either ‘air guitar’ or ‘air drums.’ The moment he heard the first notes of AC/DC’s “Back in Black,” he was hooked. I could see him rockin’ out in the rear view mirror!

For your enjoyment, I have attached a video of both Garrett and Justin enjoying one of life’s simple pleasures: Rock & Roll and screaming “bad” words in front of adults. (My dad is in the middle of this “sing-along!”)