Sherlock and the Case of the Shoplifted Pootie

holmesDuring a moment of honesty, Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) turns to his star client and confides that while he likes a woman he’s been dating, he’s “hanging in there” because he really enjoys spending time with her kid. Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) stops him and responds: “I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mother.”

Sherlock has now come close to shoplifting not one, but two pooties at the same time!

Just before the holiday break, Sherlock called to tell me about two women he’s been casually seeing. Both are from out of town. Both are single mothers. And, (shockingly) both know-“ish” about each other! To make a very, very, very long and complicated story short – Sherlock invited both women (who happened to be in town with their kids at the same time) to a popular amusement park. While one mother took all the children on a ride, Sherlock and the other mother would spend some “quality time” together. When the supervising parent returned, the women would switch…thereby allowing for mommy #2 to get her fair share of Sherlock. Somehow, Sherlock, the mommies, and the unsuspecting children successfully left the park satisfied and no one’s feelings were hurt.

I’m a father with two children. The only way I know when it’s time to leave an amusement park is when someone’s feelings are hurt!!! I don’t know about other parents, but nothing about going to an amusement park with screaming children, expensive ticket prices, long lines, souvenir demands, meltdowns, tantrums, sugary spasms of deliriousness, and sugary crashes of depression are a turn-on! At no point have I ever been amorous while chaperoning my children around a theme park. I’m too focused on not losing a child in the crowd or not having my child get decapitated on a ride that hasn’t been properly maintained since before I was born!

If GWE ever pulled me aside to have her way with me at Disneyland, I’d think she was suffering from some delusion. There is no possible way for a parent to be aroused while forcing your way through a sea of a million screaming children. (Gee – I wonder how sperm do it.) If GWE did feel the need to touch me in a theme park, it’s because she’s actually rummaging through my pockets looking for loose change or she’s so dehydrated that she is attempting to twist off my head in order to drink me like a bottle of Diet Coke!

Single people can leave a theme park “satisfied.” Married people with kids leave a park thinking one of two things: 1) “Why did we have so many kids?” and/or 2) “This would have been much more fun without the children!”

Yet somehow, Sherlock managed to demonstrate that it’s a small (and perverted) world after all!

I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this Blog tonight…

Each of us have “defining moments.” These are the moments when something so profound happens to us that we are affected for the rest of our lives. For example, I remember the moment I met my wife. That was a “defining moment” because it affected so many other things (including the creation of other, smaller human beings many years later.) Another “defining moment” of mine was the moment I decided not to get into a car with some friends from high school during my junior year because I didn’t trust the driver. l discovered that they were involved in a car accident later that afternoon and I could have been seriously injured – thereby, possibly affecting (or ending) what could have been.  I also remember the “defining moment” of hating a job and a boss so badly that I knew I had to take control of my own career.

I would like to present you a moment in Justin’s life that could be considered a “defining moment.” Let’s call this moment “Dancing with Mommy.” How could an innocent moment dancing with mommy to a video game affect the rest of his life? Well, let’s see….

Based on what I witnessed, Justin either has the potential to discover that he could be a great dancer like Gene Kelly or Mikhail Baryshnikov….or, my wife has just taught our son how to ‘shake it’ for screaming women and dirty money like he was “Magic Mike.” (By the way, the sound of destruction coming from the background is Garrett…giving his stuffed animals a lap-dance!)

I was leaning towards the classier end of the dancing spectrum until I witnessed my son do “The Moonshine!”  You decide!

Are you f*#%ing kidding me, Hasbro???

Justin got a birthday gift from my parents last night. It is an “Ultimate Optimus Prime.” Justin was thrilled and he excitedly asked for us to help him “transform” it. Each adult took a turn lifting his arms, moving his wheels, and pushing his legs from side to side. We hadn’t even begun “transforming” him yet. We were just trying to liberate him from the larger Transformer he was strapped into. Once someone figured out how to pry Optimus out of his metallic chastity belt, the next obstacle was to figure out how to turn him into a truck. Yes, there were instructions. No, they were not helpful. I kept trying to shove Optimus’ head down into his chest to get the front close. My mother kept futzing with his arm and his door kept popping off. Justin kept running around with Optimus’ light-up, noise-making gun at crotch level, all the while laughing and inviting my parents to, “Look at my pee pee!” I could keep going, but there is only so much space on the internet.

10 hours later (no joke, 7:23am), I finally had Optimus Prime in his truck form. I handed him back to Justin and informed him that Optimus no longer wanted to be a robot. He only wanted to be a truck and he hoped that Justin understood his wishes and refrained from trying to change him back again.

So, thank you mom and dad for giving Justin the single most complicated toy on the planet. I know the box said “5 and up,” but I’m pretty sure they were referring to the amount of advanced degrees in Astro Physics needed to understand the directions. He may love it, but I can see that Robo-Asshole mocking me when I walk by.

And now, an open letter to Hasbro:

Dear Hasbro,

My six year old and I are very smart, but neither of us have a card from MENSA. Does Optimus Prime really need to be THAT complicated??? When I was a kid, it took six steps to get Optimus from robot form to truck form and then back again. It’s been almost 30 years since I got my first Transformer and I would have assumed that over the course of three decades someone would have streamlined that process a little. Instead, it now takes 32 steps just to push his arm in!

Here’s something for you to transform: uckf ouy!!

All the best,

GENXDADDY!

The Big “Uno”

Today is Garrett Logan Priluck’s first birthday. Or, as I like to refer to it, the first anniversary of the second time I got a peek at my wife’s internal organs.

I have spent a whole year with this “stranger” in the house and I’ve learned a lot about him. These are just a few of the things that I now know about my son:

1)      He has a dance move called, “The Garrett” – he puts his arms straight out and ‘flaps’ them as fast as possible back and forth towards his body when he gets excited.

2)      He is a non-stop drool machine. Garrett is like a snail. Just follow the trail of slime and you will find him at the end of it.

3)      He will get your attention by slamming his legs down repeatedly.

4)      He is always happy, even when he is sick. I’ve never seen a happier child (with the exception of Justin.)

5)      When he crawls into my room and settles near my nightstand, he always pulls out the same book – “Tales from The Far Side.” (I guess he likes talking cows.)

6)      His guilty pleasure is to sneak into his big brother’s room while no one is watching. He likes to prop himself up on the stool or play with the fake sword cover.

7)      He will eat anything. Baby food, pizza, pasta, hummus, chili, etc. It’s just a waiting game to see what he can digest and what he can’t. We affectionately call this, “When did Garrett eat corn!?!?!?”

8)      He likes to do “Super Baby” (me lifting him in the air while laying on my back on the master bed.) After he ‘lands’, he immediately rolls over and tries to climb back on top of my chest for another ride. However, he usually gets tired and ends up sitting on my face.

9)     Garrett’s attempts at kissing include him using his teeth (and biting.)

10)   Garrett prefers to be naked. (Who doesn’t?)

11)   He desperately wants Justin’s green television remote control. In fact, he wants it so badly that he is willing to put himself in harm’s way to get it. (Justin has shown great restraint. He has not whupped his little brother’s ass over this issue….yet.)

12)   He has a fascination with my bathroom. He just likes being in there. I have no idea why.

It has been a fantastic year of getting to know Garrett. He is sweet, loud, gentle, funny, strong, cute, and produces the foulest poops you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday, Monkey!!

You Put Your Left Leg In, You Take Your Left Leg Out….

Meet the parents of GenXDaddy!

Here they are trying to put pants on my 10 month old son. As you can see, he is not putting up a fight. He is not kicking his legs, nor is he struggling to get away. He is just “dangling in the air” as my father holds him. Yet – the challenge of putting pants on a baby seems to be too great for two people with graduate degrees, medical degrees, and about 30+ years of experience raising two children.

This might explain why I still try to put my pants on over my head.

Good work, mom and dad! (And, I think his pants are on backwards.)

And This Is How We Say Goodbye!

Until they perfect the art of cloning, GWE and I will need to rely on some hired help in order to get the kids from school during the weeknights starting this Fall. Justin will be in a new school this August and Garrett will remain at daycare. And, unless they plan on spending the nights at their respective schools, we need someone to pick them up and bring them home a few days a week. Time for “The Nanny!!”

When I walked into the house last night, GWE was in the middle of interviewing a very nice woman who ran a nanny/babysitter service. I did not want to interrupt. The woman and I exchanged pleasantries and then I wandered into the kitchen for something to eat. Every once in a while, I was asked a question – but, for the most part I stayed out of it.

Justin was very excited to see me and (as usual) his energy level went from a 4 to a 12 in under a few minutes. He began to ask me a million questions about my day, playfully “attack” me, and then jump around on the sofas a little. I also noticed that Justin was only wearing a t-shirt and underwear…no pants. While I knew that this was just “Justin being Justin,” I began to worry if this woman was judging our son’s behavior. Every so often I would walk over to Justin and casually calm him down and then go back to what I was doing.

When I was finally ready to sit on the sofa, Justin rushed up to me and said (loud enough for our guest to hear) “I love you daddy! Can I sit with you?”

Secretly, I was very pleased. It’s not that I felt like we needed to “put on a good show” for this woman. But, she was in our home to assess the situation and determine which nanny would be best for us. So….a little affection and good behavior from Justin at the right moment wasn’t such a bad thing. For the next few moments, we sat together and quietly watched cartoons.

When our guest was ready to leave, GWE said to Justin, “Say bye-bye to (blank).” He turned his head away from the television and said, “Bye.” Then, he quickly jumped off the sofa and said to the woman, “Wait, wait!!!”

I then saw him reach behind his back and start to do something. I wasn’t entirely sure what he was up to, but an evil…sadistic…smug smile began to creep across his face. It turns out that Justin thought it would be funny to grab his underwear, shove it between the crack of his ass (like it was a thong), and then show our guest his ass as a going away present. It quickly dawned on me what he was doing about a second before he did it. I immediately tackled Justin and prevented him from finishing his “master plan.” After GWE closed the door, I told her that either the woman thought our son was funny or she was calling Child Protective Services from her car.

Justin has to work on improving his first impression!