No story today folks. Instead, GWE decided to do a comparison of Justin and Garrett at the same age. Pretty interesting!
4 Months by 4 Months
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Category Archives: Garrett
You May Be Right….I May Be Crazy….
It’s not easy to admit to a five year old that he was right and I was wrong. In my defense, it was 6:45am on a Sunday morning; I did not get a lot of sleep; and honestly….I didn’t believe him.
After giving Garrett his morning bottle, I placed him in his “nap nanny” on the floor of the living room and made sure that he was happy. I decided to shut my eyes for a few minutes in an attempt to catch up on Sunday morning sleep that I was sorely missing.
In an excited and slightly panicked tone, Justin rushed over to me while holding his plastic sword and sheath. He handed me the sheath and told me that his “gold” was at the bottom and he could not get it out. I shook the case and smacked it on the floor a few time. Nothing came out and there were no rattling sounds. I handed it back to Justin and told him that he was mistaken – there was nothing in there. He replied “Yes, there is daddy. Get it!” I looked again, but didn’t see anything.
He grabbed the sheath from me and stormed off. Two seconds later, he returned with the sheath and a flashlight. “Here, daddy! Look!” He flicked on the flashlight and (for the third time) I looked for his gold. I saw nothing…just blackness. The following conversation then took place:
Me: There is nothing down there.
Justin: Yes there is. Look again.
Me: Justin, there is nothing down there. I’ve looked.
Justin: Look again!! Look again!!!
Me: I swear to you on all that is holy…there is no gold down there.
(In the meantime, Garrett was in his special seat babbling at the two of us like he was also a part of this conversation.)
Justin: DADDY!! It’s down there! Get it now!!!
Me: Don’t yell at me. There is nothing there!!
Justin: DADDDDYYYY!!!! Don’t make me give you a time out!!!!!!!
Me: Justin, relax and go ask mommy.
(Ok, this was a “jerk” move on my part. This was my way of getting Justin to wake up mommy. I figured that if I had to be up to endure this – so did she!) Justin marched off to the bedroom and I heard him having a conversation with GWE, but could not make out the details. I was later told by GWE that Justin woke her up by shining the flashlight directly into her eyes. She was dreaming at the time and thought the police were out to get her!
Dejected, Justin returned to the living room and began to chant “Daddy sucks! Daddy sucks! Daddy sucks.” In a moment of exhaustion from lack of sleep and frustration from hearing how badly I sucked on a Sunday morning, I turned to Justin and barked, “Put the sword in the case. There is nothing blocking it! It will go all the way in!!” He angrily grabbed the sword and jammed it into the sheath. And……it only went halfway in. “SEE DADDY!! I TOLD YOU!!!!!!”
I looked at him and the sword in disbelief. There actually was something stuck. I took the case, banged it on the floor once, and out popped a silver dollar. He was right!!!! What made this much worse is that he knew he was right and now that he knew that I knew he was right, so he decided to rub it in my face.
“I TOLD YOU….I TOLD YOU…NANANANANA….I TOLD YOU…..DADDY IS A DUMMY…….I TOLD YOU.”
I smiled, waited until he was done, looked him in the eyes, and then asked one direct question: “Justin – where did you get the silver dollar?” We both knew the answer. He stole it from my nightstand. At that moment, he froze and realized “oh shit.”
Gotcha!
There is a Poop in my Refrigerator
I am often asked (not really) “Hey GenXDaddy! You make being a dad sound glamorous! Are there any downsides to being a father?”
There are many wonderful aspects to being a dad. HOWEVER, before you start punching holes in your condoms while watching MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” like it’s a National Geographic documentary – you should know that it’s not all Hot Wheels and Play-Doh. There are a few unsavory things that you must suffer through. For example…..
At this moment, there is a poop in my refrigerator. This is not a euphemism. There is a real baby poop in my fridge!!
While on my way to an important lunch meeting with a client, GWE notified me that Garrett had thrown up three times at school and needed to be cared for at home. Our plan was for GWE to pick up Garrett while I was at my lunch and then I would race home after my meeting to help her take care of our sick baby. When I got home, I was asked to dig the poop out of my son’s diaper so that the school could have it shipped off to be tested. Armed with two sterile vials, a bag labeled “Biohazard”, and a mouse-sized spork, I dug through the shit in Garrett’s diaper like it was sand at the beach. Once a satisfactory sample was retrieved, it was placed in our refrigerator to retain its “freshness.”
I may not be “Father of the Year”, but I don’t shy away from the dirty work either!!
The Grossest Invention Ever
What you are looking at is a picture of my wife actually sucking boogers out of my son’s nose.
Garrett has been sick for the past couple of days with conjunctivitis and a separate “baby cold.” I will admit that when the conjunctivitis began, I panicked. GWE was out of the house dealing with another family emergency and I was left alone with both kids. I decided to wake Garrett from his nap when I noticed a green, liquid “eye booger” in the corner of his left eye. As I wiped it away, I noticed that his eye was actually swollen shut and green pus was oozing out. I allowed myself a moment of hysteria in thinking that I had somehow blinded my son. All I could think about was the beginning of the Ray Charles story when he could see as a child, and then his eyes began to ooze, and then he was a blind prodigy. While my wife is kind and understanding, I doubt – “Hey honey – I blinded our son, but he can play the piano now!” would have been something she could have forgiven me for.
Needless to say, after a few conversations with the doctor and a prescription, his conjunctivitis is gone.
However, his cold lingers and his nose is stuffed up. We originally used a nasal aspirator, but the doctor has now advised against this because it “irritates the glands.” What you see in the picture above is the NEW way to remove boogers from your child. One end goes into the parent’s mouth and the other goes into the child’s nose….then, you suck HARD!! I’m not kidding. You actually suck out boogers. (There is a filter in-between Point A and Point B, but still….you are sucking out a booger.)
I have pleaded with my wife not to suck too hard. His skull is still soft and I’d hate for anything other than boogers to come out.
Baby Sabotage
As a father, I have recently been accused of “Baby Sabotage.” By definition, “BS” is when one parent is fully aware that the child they are passing off to another adult is either a) about to cry hysterically due to hunger, b) about to spit up, or c) about to poop/pee. In “BS,” it is against the rules to notify the other party that the child they are about to receive has an immediate need. That would be no fun!
Imagine getting a soda, shaking it violently, handing it to your thirsty friend, and then watching it explode all over them as they open the can. That is “BS!”
In the future, if I hand you my baby and then run in the other direction….I will have most likely “BS’d” you! Enjoy!
Garrett Smiles