Category Archives: First Grade

Go Directly To Jail

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Jail

“You either get busy livin’ or get busy bucklin’!”

While in the car (most of my stories tend to start in the car), Justin was having a phone conversation with my father. As he was talking to “Papa Jeff,” he was also continuing to play with his Legos. I must have stopped short at some point because he dropped Lego Iron Man and he was not in a position to get him unless he undid his seatbelt.

The following conversation took place….with my father listening in from Atlanta:

Justin: “Daddy, I dropped Lego Iron Man.”

Me: “It’s ok. I’ll get him when we stop.”

Justin: “No daddy. Can I unbuckle my seatbelt? I can get him.”

Me: “No Justin. I’ll get it.”

Justin: “Pleaseeeeeeeee……Let me unbuckle my seatbelt to get him!”

Me: “Justin, don’t unbuckle your seatbelt. I don’t want to go to jail.”

(At this point, I’m about to be guilty of a parenting fail…but I go on…)

Justin: “Why would you go to jail?”

Me: “Everyone is supposed to wear their seatbelt. If the policeman pulls me over and he sees that you’re not wearing your seatbelt, he’s going to take me to jail.”

Justin: (begins to giggle.)

Me: “Justin….I don’t want to go to jail because I’m afraid of jail.”

(This is where it goes horribly wrong.)

Me: “And I’m afraid that if I went to jail, some guy named Bubba is going to make me his girlfriend.”

Justin: (Erupts in laughter…hearty, gut-busting laughter.)

Me: “I don’t want to be Bubba’s girlfriend….so keep your seatbelt on!”

Justin: (Still laughing) “He’s gonna make you a girl!?!?!?!”

Me: “I dunno, buddy. I imagine that Bubba is pretty big. He might make me a girl!”

Justin: (Continued to laugh so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.)

The next day, I was asked to assist one of Justin’s teachers with administering an AR Test to a few students. Justin was clearly excited to have me in his classroom because he was almost bouncing off the walls. He was thrilled to show me his projects that were proudly displayed on the walls and hanging from the ceiling.

Finally, he grabbed my hand and guided me up to his teacher’s desk. He excitedly began to tell Mrs. Rubin all about seatbelts and that if he didn’t wear his seatbelt, his daddy was going to become someone’s….(yes, I caught it in time.) I quickly put my hand over his mouth and doubled over laughing. I explained to his teacher that we were having a goofy conversation in the car the previous day.

As I steered Justin back to his chair, I think he got the idea that the conversation wasn’t appropriate because he couldn’t help laughing either. The two of us were giggling like idiots and I was fully expecting to get sent to the Principal’s office (again.)

The Bunny’s Not Funny!

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Bunny

“I am your worst nightmare!!!”

On the way to school, Justin announced, “I don’t want to go to Animal Encounters anymore.” (Animal Encounters is the name of one of his after-school programs. Each week they bring in new animals for the children to learn about, play with, feed, etc. Up until the moment Justin announced he was “done,” I thought he loved it.)

“Justin, why don’t you want to do Animal Encounters anymore?” I asked.

He responded, “I just don’t want to do it anymore. You can tear up the contract. I’m not going back.” (He really said, “Tear up the contract.” I don’t know if I should be proud of my influence or horrified. Either way, he’s been listening to Daddy in “Negotiation Mode!”)

“But, I don’t understand. Why don’t you want to do it anymore?” I asked again.

“I just don’t,” he said defiantly.

“But why?”

“Because I don’t want to!” he said even more defiantly.

I tried a different tactic, “But wwwhhhhyyyyy???” I said in a goofy voice. I was met with silence and an evil stare from the rear view mirror.

“Justin – just tell me why? Did something happen?”

Another moment of silence, and then…

“Justin – please tell me….”

“I’M NOT GOING BACK BECAUSE THE FUZZY BUNNY PEED ON ME!!!!!!!”

With every fiber of my being, I tried not to laugh….but I failed. Once I composed myself, I told Justin that sometimes in life the fuzzy bunny pees on you and sometimes you get to pee on the fuzzy bunny. (I have no idea what that means, but in that moment it sounded like a pearl of wisdom.)

Cheat or No Cheat?

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ThursdayOn Friday evening, Justin pulled me aside and said, “Daddy, I have to tell you something.” I was not prepared for the honesty that was about to follow.

“Ok Justin, what do you want to tell me?” I asked inquisitively.

He paused for a moment and said, “I got a 100 on my spelling test.” (This did not seem like Earthshattering news.) And then he confessed, “I cheated.”

Just to be clear, I am not a saint. I have cheated from time to time. Unbeknownst to Tammy Parks and Greta Jackson, I would not have graduated from high school if it weren’t for their poorly covered Spanish tests. (Gracias!) I appreciate the fact that my college biology teacher, Mr. Druger, was too busy to realize that I handed in the same biology paper three separate times in the same semester…and it was written by someone else…and it wasn’t on biology. (It’s amazing what a Syracuse freshman will do for a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee.) Without incriminating myself any further, I think we’ve established that I know a cheat when I see a cheat.

I looked down at my son and asked, “How exactly did you cheat? Did you look at someone else’s paper?”

He looked down at his shoes and quietly explained that one of his spelling test words was “Thursday.” He was having a hard time with the word when all of a sudden he realized that his teacher hadn’t removed the calendar from the room. He quickly copied the word off the calendar and then handed in his test.

What I wanted to do was pat him on the back and explain, “That’s not cheating. That’s called ‘Taking Advantage of an Opportunity!’ With that skill, you’ll go far in life!” Instead, I thanked him for being honest and I asked him to keep his eyes on his own paper from now on.

And to those “few” people I cheated off of in school, I have one thing to say – I really wish you had studied harder. It’s no fun cheating off of someone who doesn’t know the answer either!