Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt


Never before in the history of the world has a piece of art been so accurately described by its own name: “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.” This masterful piece of art (and the honor of naming it) came from the imaginative mind of my 3 year old son.

While at an early Father’s Day Brunch, Garrett was presented with a little packet of art supplies. Once he was finished with his ½ bagel, 6 whole strawberries, 8 donut holes, juice, and then MY ½ bagel, Garrett decided to let his creative juices flow. We opened the packet of art supplies and he started to place them on a Superhero certificate.

Garrett insisted that the clothes be glued to the cardboard first and then he wanted the person’s naked body to be glued on top of the clothing. Afterwards, he applied the mask, cape, and lightning bolt. One final piece fell out of the supply bag…a red, curved thing. Honestly, I had no idea where it was supposed to go. Garrett make the creative decision for the both of us.

When the project was done, I held it up and asked Garrett to name it. With a furrowed brow and his fingers gently tapping his chin, he assessed the artistic merits of his work. Finally, I could see that he had an epiphany. He turned to me and said, “I’m calling it “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.””

I now present to you, “Naked Pee-Pee Red Fart Butt.”

Justin Presents “Captain Underpants VS Fart Man”

CUJustin wasn’t in trouble. Justin was in ALOT of trouble. Why Justin was in trouble doesn’t really matter. What does matter is “The Punishment” and how Justin made the most of it.

Honestly, I was very upset with Justin and after I explained to him why I was so upset, he understood. He was about to lose his favorite things: TV, tablet, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo 3DS, IPad, and access to anything else electronic (with the exception of his electronic toothbrush) for two whole weeks. He knew I was serious and he knew there was no negotiating his way out of it.

The only thing Justin was left with were his books.

For the past few weeks, we had been reading “Captain Underpants” books. He’d been truly enjoying them. In fact, he was so inspired (and clearly had nothing else to do) that he began to create his own comic book.

For your enjoyment, I present to you “Captain Underpants VS. Fart Man!”


We have a Two-Headed Duck…and You Don’t

Duck 1

Duck, Duck, DEUCE!

In my quest to locate turn-of-the-century, Railroad Grade pocket watches (my expensive hobby), I’ve begun dragging my family to flea markets. The first time we attended a flea market, we were nearly killed by gusting winds blowing items off tables and collapsing canopies. The kids were bored, hungry, and afraid of being squashed by furniture older than their great-grandparents. GWE was a trooper…but that lasted for about 20 minutes, plus the time it took to eat a couple falafels. I decided not to push my luck and I figured I would come back the next time by myself.

Yesterday, I asked Justin if he’d like to come out for breakfast with me and attend the monthly flea market by our house. To my surprise, he said yes!

We left the house at 8:30, stopped at IHop for breakfast, and then rushed over to the flea market. When we arrived, Justin asked, “Why are we here?” I informed him that we were going to the flea market that I told him about yesterday. He rolled his eyes into the back of his head and cried, “NNNNOOOOOOOOOO.” Apparently, he wasn’t listening yesterday and he thought we were going someplace else. I’m not sure where. I didn’t bother to ask…because we weren’t going wherever it was. I finally coaxed Justin out of the car by saying, “You never know what we might buy.” (In all fairness, his response was pretty good. Justin said, “Why bother going, daddy? You’re not going to buy anything.” Usually, I don’t.)

With a sour look on his face and an extra-slow step, he held my hand and walked into the flea market with me. There was every sort of oddity, knick-knack, fake jewelry, and “unidentifiable thing collecting dust” that you could imagine. And then, Justin found the man selling bugs in amber.

Justin was totally grossed out and amused by the giant spider paperweights, scorpion pendants, and mummified bats. He even picked out a shark’s tooth keychain for his backpack. And then, we saw “It!”

Are you my mommy?

Perched on a wooden stand and covered in glass were two-headed ducks, two-headed mice (wearing bowties,) and a two-headed chicken. Justin and I marveled at the sight of the two-headed duck. It was the cutest, yet most horrifying thing I had ever seen. It looked like it came from “The Island of Doctor Moreau.” I kept joking with Justin about all the things we could do with it. Finally, I suggested we get it. Justin was deliriously excited at the prospect of getting this very strange two-headed duck.

I said, “Look, I think we need mommy’s input on this.” Justin immediately looked deflated…and the guy selling the two-headed duck didn’t seem that pleased either. Both of them were certain that this would be the sale-killer. Here is the text:


I ignored the text and turned to Justin. “I really think we need a two-headed duck. Don’t you?” “YES!!!!” he replied.

I paid for the duck while it was properly wrapped in bubble wrap and sealed in a box. The man selling the oddities handed Justin the box and off we went. Proudly, Justin carried his two-headed duck to the car with the care of carrying a Faberge Egg.

We’ve been thinking about name(s) for our two-headed duck. (Because he has two heads, we thought he deserved two names!) We’ve narrowed it down to “Tim and Jim,” “Bob and Bob,” “Batman and Robin,” “Huey and Dewey McDuck,” or ““Franken-Duckie!”

What do you think we should name him/them?


When My Client Becomes My Son’s Homework

AssignmentAbout a week ago, Justin brought home an assignment from school. He was given a piece of construction paper that was 18×12 and told to create a collage of his “hero” and then add three reasons as to why that person is a hero. In an attempt to get this assignment over with as quickly as possible, Justin simply drew a picture of someone playing basketball. Justin is good at drawing. But, when I saw his stick figure holding a weird looking ball, I knew he had only given this task minimal effort. (Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what he had drawn. It looked more like a hairy spoon with a tumor.)

Frustrated, GWE told him that this was unacceptable and that “we” would need to start over. “We” had a week to complete the assignment. I knew that if “we” weren’t proactive about this, “we” wouldn’t get to it until the Sunday night before it was due.

Once again, the assignment was to identify a hero and three reason why that person is your hero. Justin could choose anyone he wanted, as long it wasn’t a fictional character like “Superman” or “Batman.” Justin gave it a great deal of thought (about 15 seconds, while trying not to be eaten by Minecraft zombies) and then decided that he wanted to do a collage about firemen. A light went off in my head! I knew how to get really great pictures for his assignment, but it meant doing something I normally wouldn’t have done.

I’ve tried to keep my business and my family separate. There will come a time when the curtain is pulled back for Justin and Garrett and they will understand how daddy represents “that person on TV or in that movie.” For now, I’d like to keep the illusion of TV as entertainment for them. One of my clients happens to be one of Justin’s favorite characters on a kid’s show. If Justin knew how often I spoke with this person, his head would explode!

There have been a few times when the two paths have crossed. I represent two young actors names Edwin and Aldis Hodge. You’ve seen them – a lot! (Aldis was on “Leverage” at TNT and “Turn” at AMC. Edwin has had lead roles in features like “Red Dawn” and “The Purge.”) My son has gotten to know Edwin and Aldis fairly well over the years. He has no idea who they are or what they do.

Edwin is currently in Chicago shooting “Chicago Fire.” He is playing a fireman!! On the Friday before the assignment was due, I asked Edwin to send me a few pictures from set. I didn’t tell him what it was for. He sent me about 10 pictures and I had GWE print them out. When it was time to put together the assignment, we handed Justin the photos. He immediately recognized “his friend” Edwin and also noticed that he was wearing fireman’s gear. Happily, he and I used the pictures to put together the project.



The following morning, Justin delivered his assignment to his teacher. As he proudly handed her the project, he told her all about how he had done it. And then, he said, “That fireman’s name is Edwin.” The teacher looked at him and responded,” Oh, is that what you’ve named him?” Perplexed, Justin looked at her and answers, “No. That’s really his name. Edwin Hodge.” And with that, he turned and walked away. The teacher had no idea that she was looking at pictures of an actor on set (and not a real fireman) and Justin didn’t really understand that either.

After the project was turned in, I sent Edwin a picture of the final project with this note: “You know you’ve made it when you’ve become someone else’s homework!”

He thought it was hilarious.

Sophie Flips the Bird

Sixteen years ago, I moved to Hollywood in the hopes of having a long (and hopefully successful) career in the entertainment business. At the time, my friend Rachel was living in a one-bedroom apartment at the corner of Tamarind Ave. and Franklin Ave. – across from the Scientology Center. She knew of another open unit in her building and suggested I take it. I rented the apartment sight unseen, planted my roots in Hollywood, and began “living the dream.”

Down the street was restaurant/bar called, “Birds.” It was a funky place with a locals-only kind of atmosphere. The staff was friendly, the beer was cold, and the chicken was tasty. The first time I ever stepped into this restaurant, I was greeted by the picture you see below. It made me laugh.

I’ve been going to this restaurant for 16 years and every time I see this picture – I still laugh. However, until I ate there last night….I didn’t know that there was a story behind the picture!


This is what I discovered after reading the menu for the first time……

“Credit goes to our friend Sandy Simpson, photographer and father of the postcard girls. The photo entitled, “Sophie Flips the Bird” was taken by Sandy in 1994 and presented to us as a “housewarming” gift upon the grand opening of Birds. The photo has since been “borrowed” (or should we say pirated?) many times over and spotted as far away as Denmark, Russia, and Thailand. The ‘one-gun salute’ is not representative of our approach to customer service!”

Next time you’re in Hollywood, stop by Birds and get a free “Sophie Flips the Bird” postcard while grabbing some chicken and a beer. (And ask for the artichoke dipping sauce! Yum.)

(On a side note, the entire neighborhood had the same cable provider during the ‘90s. So, we all had the same cable boxes. There were more than a few occasions when I would walk down to the bar for a drink with my television remote in my pocket. When the bartender wasn’t watching, I’d quickly change the channel and then watch them scramble to try and figure out what was happening. Sorry Birds. I was young, dumb, and a little drunk.)

I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this Blog tonight…

Each of us have “defining moments.” These are the moments when something so profound happens to us that we are affected for the rest of our lives. For example, I remember the moment I met my wife. That was a “defining moment” because it affected so many other things (including the creation of other, smaller human beings many years later.) Another “defining moment” of mine was the moment I decided not to get into a car with some friends from high school during my junior year because I didn’t trust the driver. l discovered that they were involved in a car accident later that afternoon and I could have been seriously injured – thereby, possibly affecting (or ending) what could have been.  I also remember the “defining moment” of hating a job and a boss so badly that I knew I had to take control of my own career.

I would like to present you a moment in Justin’s life that could be considered a “defining moment.” Let’s call this moment “Dancing with Mommy.” How could an innocent moment dancing with mommy to a video game affect the rest of his life? Well, let’s see….

Based on what I witnessed, Justin either has the potential to discover that he could be a great dancer like Gene Kelly or Mikhail Baryshnikov….or, my wife has just taught our son how to ‘shake it’ for screaming women and dirty money like he was “Magic Mike.” (By the way, the sound of destruction coming from the background is Garrett…giving his stuffed animals a lap-dance!)

I was leaning towards the classier end of the dancing spectrum until I witnessed my son do “The Moonshine!”  You decide!