Sherlock and the Case of the Shoplifted Pootie

holmesDuring a moment of honesty, Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) turns to his star client and confides that while he likes a woman he’s been dating, he’s “hanging in there” because he really enjoys spending time with her kid. Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) stops him and responds: “I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mother.”

Sherlock has now come close to shoplifting not one, but two pooties at the same time!

Just before the holiday break, Sherlock called to tell me about two women he’s been casually seeing. Both are from out of town. Both are single mothers. And, (shockingly) both know-“ish” about each other! To make a very, very, very long and complicated story short – Sherlock invited both women (who happened to be in town with their kids at the same time) to a popular amusement park. While one mother took all the children on a ride, Sherlock and the other mother would spend some “quality time” together. When the supervising parent returned, the women would switch…thereby allowing for mommy #2 to get her fair share of Sherlock. Somehow, Sherlock, the mommies, and the unsuspecting children successfully left the park satisfied and no one’s feelings were hurt.

I’m a father with two children. The only way I know when it’s time to leave an amusement park is when someone’s feelings are hurt!!! I don’t know about other parents, but nothing about going to an amusement park with screaming children, expensive ticket prices, long lines, souvenir demands, meltdowns, tantrums, sugary spasms of deliriousness, and sugary crashes of depression are a turn-on! At no point have I ever been amorous while chaperoning my children around a theme park. I’m too focused on not losing a child in the crowd or not having my child get decapitated on a ride that hasn’t been properly maintained since before I was born!

If GWE ever pulled me aside to have her way with me at Disneyland, I’d think she was suffering from some delusion. There is no possible way for a parent to be aroused while forcing your way through a sea of a million screaming children. (Gee – I wonder how sperm do it.) If GWE did feel the need to touch me in a theme park, it’s because she’s actually rummaging through my pockets looking for loose change or she’s so dehydrated that she is attempting to twist off my head in order to drink me like a bottle of Diet Coke!

Single people can leave a theme park “satisfied.” Married people with kids leave a park thinking one of two things: 1) “Why did we have so many kids?” and/or 2) “This would have been much more fun without the children!”

Yet somehow, Sherlock managed to demonstrate that it’s a small (and perverted) world after all!

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