Justin got a birthday gift from my parents last night. It is an “Ultimate Optimus Prime.” Justin was thrilled and he excitedly asked for us to help him “transform” it. Each adult took a turn lifting his arms, moving his wheels, and pushing his legs from side to side. We hadn’t even begun “transforming” him yet. We were just trying to liberate him from the larger Transformer he was strapped into. Once someone figured out how to pry Optimus out of his metallic chastity belt, the next obstacle was to figure out how to turn him into a truck. Yes, there were instructions. No, they were not helpful. I kept trying to shove Optimus’ head down into his chest to get the front close. My mother kept futzing with his arm and his door kept popping off. Justin kept running around with Optimus’ light-up, noise-making gun at crotch level, all the while laughing and inviting my parents to, “Look at my pee pee!” I could keep going, but there is only so much space on the internet.
10 hours later (no joke, 7:23am), I finally had Optimus Prime in his truck form. I handed him back to Justin and informed him that Optimus no longer wanted to be a robot. He only wanted to be a truck and he hoped that Justin understood his wishes and refrained from trying to change him back again.
So, thank you mom and dad for giving Justin the single most complicated toy on the planet. I know the box said “5 and up,” but I’m pretty sure they were referring to the amount of advanced degrees in Astro Physics needed to understand the directions. He may love it, but I can see that Robo-Asshole mocking me when I walk by.
And now, an open letter to Hasbro:
My six year old and I are very smart, but neither of us have a card from MENSA. Does Optimus Prime really need to be THAT complicated??? When I was a kid, it took six steps to get Optimus from robot form to truck form and then back again. It’s been almost 30 years since I got my first Transformer and I would have assumed that over the course of three decades someone would have streamlined that process a little. Instead, it now takes 32 steps just to push his arm in!
Here’s something for you to transform: uckf ouy!!
All the best,