For Father’s Day last year, I wrote about the history of the holiday. This year, I thought I would provide assistance for some of you last minute shoppers. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what to get the dad who has it all. Fear not! Here are some fantastic, thoughtful, and practical gifts!
1) Poop Freeze – This is a real product! How many times have your children proudly shown you their artwork from school? Now is your opportunity to proudly display your “work of art.” It’s Fecal Taxidermy! I like that the product features are: 1) Completely Non-Flammable, and 2) Does Not Harm Vegetation.
2) Yodeling Pickle – I cannot tell you how many times I’ve turned to my wife and said, “I wish we had a pickle that yodeled.” There are far too many occasions when a Yodeling Pickle is required. This pickle even comes with its own batteries! Warning: this is a choking hazard for idiots.
3) Robo Vacuum – This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. “Before they take over the Earth, they have to clean up your desktop debris.” I must have one of these. It comes in three colors, has arms that move, and looks like a Doctor Who Dalek. It is about the size of a bagel. The only downside is that it does not move around on its own like a Roomba. If they can figure out how to automate this, I’ll be the first one in line for Robo Vacuum 2.0.
4) Manhood Mittens – If you are celebrating Father’s Day this year, it’s because you have children. And, you have children because you didn’t do too many stupid things to your nuts over the years to cause them to stop working. So why not protect them?? If Fed Ex can figure out how to protect your packages from the elements, don’t you think you have a responsibility to protect your own “package”?!?!?!
5) Unicorn Meat – I pride myself on trying new things at a restaurant. If you can cook it, I will try it. The last “interesting” meal I had was at Incanto in San Fransisco. I ate the “Hot Mess”: Pig trotters, foie gras & pluots. And I don’t know what a pluot is! I now have my eyes (and taste buds) set on Unicorn Meat! Screw Lucky Charms – THIS should be “Magically Delicious!”
6) Talking Toilet Paper Roll – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the toilet and wished I had someone to talk to. Problem solved!! Here is the Talking TP. The “spindle” actually allows you to record (and re-record) personal messages to greet anyone using your bathroom. According to the testimonials, this product has had fantastic results in “aiding” senior citizens and confusing dogs.
7) The Eastman Outdoors Jerky and Sausage Gun Kit with Five Extra Nozzles – Holy Shit!! I need a sausage caulker! YOU need a sausage caulker!! This is the perfect marriage of Black & Decker and Jimmy Dean! It comes with 3 sausage stuffing tubes, 2 jerky stuffing tubes, and a LARGE MEAT BARREL!!! I don’t know how you don’t have an erection just looking at this thing! How is this not the product of the year??