While cleaning up Justin’s toys for the 1000th time, Greatest Wife Ever made an interesting observation – the toys Justin loves the most have stupid, nonsensical names. When I was a kid in the 80’s, our toys were named after 1) the physical description of the toy, or 2) the function of the toy. Silly putty was actually putty; Transformers transformed; He-Man toys were really manly-men action figures with bulging muscles (yet, some questionable hairstyles); and Speak & Spell both spoke and spelled! Even our board games were named after their obvious function – you “operated” in Operation, you sunk Battleships in Battleship, and my Hungry Hungry Hippos were actually HUNGRY!
Today, Justin’s favorite toys are “Squinkies,” “Zoobles,” “Lalaloopsy,” and “Bakugan.” This is a completely new language to any parent. The only reason I know what any of these toys are is because I watch television with Justin. I see the commercials he sees! Otherwise, I would have no idea what he’s talking about. If I had no frame of reference and Justin asked me for a “Zooble,” my first thought would be to take him back to speech class.
I’m going to perform a service for all of you parents who (like me) find themselves standing in the toy aisle at Target without a clue as to what your kid is screaming about. I will translate the toy names for you:
“Squinkies” actually mean “Choking Hazards”
“Zoobles” actually mean “Gay Gremlins”
“Lalaloopsy” actually means “Dead-Eyed Voodoo Dolls”
“Bakugan” actually means “Will Break by End of Day”
I love buying toys for Justin, but I find that I am more likely to buy him a toy that is named after something in reality. You want a football? You got it! You want Hot Wheels? Sure thing. You want a Kaflashbitz? What the hell is that???