They call me Ishmael (but you can call me Daddy.)

While at Disneyland, Justin found a toy that he could not live without. He wanted a Buzz Lightyear. But, not just ANY Buzz Lightyear. Justin had to have a limited edition, Vinylmation Buzz Lightyear. If you haven’t seen this toy – imagine the love child of Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear, but uglier. However, the appearance of this toy is not its biggest issue. It comes wrapped in a metallic foil and is boxed to look exactly like every other “Toy Story” Vinylmation toy that Disney offers. Basically, you don’t know what you’ve bought until you have opened the box and the foil. (How did I know about the foil? I secretly tore open one box in the store looking for Buzz.) Justin pleaded with me for the toy, but it was $14.00 and there was no guarantee I was getting a Buzz Lightyear. I told Justin that we would go to a different store to find a “better” toy. We searched two other stores on the way out of the park, but Justin continued to tell me that he wanted THAT BUZZ!!

Start the clock:

12 hours later, Justin told me about how much he loved that Buzz Lightyear and that he had to have it.

24 hours later, Justin was still telling me about how much he loved that Buzz Lightyear and that he had to have it.

48 hours later and we “accidently” found ourselves in another Disney Store. Justin immediately located the Vinylmation collection and proceeded to scream at me that he had to have THAT BUZZ!! I reconsidered getting him the toy, but my concerns were the same – too expensive, no guarantee. I dragged Justin out – kicking and screaming.

50 hours later, I had a brilliant idea! Together, Justin and I went on Ebay to locate Buzz – and we found him! The catch was that we would have to buy Woody as well and it would now cost me $30.00 (included shipping.) We placed the bid.

74 hours later, we lost the bid…..shit.

75 hours later, I bid again on another Buzz ($20.00).

75.3 hours later, I lost bid again…..SHIT.

78 hours later, I found a guy on Craigslist willing to sell me a “Buzz” – until he realized I was actually looking for a toy and not using a code name for heroin. (Absolutely true.)

79 hours later, I found a seller in Cumming, Georgia who would sell me the item. (Don’t ask what I spent.) I begged him to put in the mail first thing in the morning.

Then, I made the biggest mistake of all – I told Justin that Buzz Lightyear was coming.

90 hours later, Justin wanted to know where Buzz was. “Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” I tell him that it hasn’t arrived yet and would be here soon.

100 hours later, Justin returned from school “Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” I continue to tell him that it hasn’t arrived yet and would be here soon.

112 hours later, Justin attacked me with more questions “Is Buzz here yet? Where is he coming from? What’s taking so long? Where is he?” I started to crack a little and explained that Buzz was getting on a plane to come to LA and then he would be getting into a van which would deliver him to the house.

127 hours later, “Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” I now understand why James Franco cut off his own arm at this point in “127 Hours”. If my arm was a Buzz Lightyear, I would have cut it off with just a spork and handed it to Justin just to get him to stop asking me about Buzz.

139 hours later, no Buzz…..“Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” – At least, that’s what I thought he was asking. All I heard was Charlie Brown’s teacher: “Wah wah wah wah?”

164 hours later, no Buzz…..”“Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” Daddy began to drink – scotch, neat.

188 hours later, no Buzz…..“Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?”  No. At this point, I considered putting Justin up for sale on Ebay.

200 hours later, I get an email from Paypal – confirming that my order was just shipped. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! OH, SHIT!!!!!!!!!! …..“Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?”

224 hours later, no Buzz…..“Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet? Is Buzz here yet?” GWE is back from her trip. “Go ask your mother – alot.” 🙂

248 hours later, no Buzz…..However, the incessant “Is Buzz here yet?” questions seem to be fading. Either that or he’s fucking with me.

258 hours later, no Buzz…..Justin has stopped asking me about Buzz, but just stares at me in passing. He hates me. I am the asshole, loser father who couldn’t manage to get a simple toy for his son. I continue to drink.

282 hours later, no Buzz…I used the tracking number to see when Buzz is going to arrive. “Status: No such address. Return to Sender” – NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I double checked the address and it is correct. The post office is now fucking with my child’s happiness.

284 hours later, I used the tracking number again to see if there was a mistake. “Status: Delivered.” Huh? I called GWE who confirmed that there IS a box for Justin in our mailbox. I decided to leave work early to verify this for myself.

285 hours later, I arrived at home and there was a small box with Justin’s name waiting in the mailbox. Justin and GWE were inside preparing dinner. I quickly grabbed the box and hid it amongst the other mail. Once Justin sat down to eat, I started to “go through the mail.” Once I got to the box, I said “Justin – look, something arrived from the Disney plane.” He looked up asked “Buzz Lightyear???” I smiled and told him maybe. He tore into the box and squealed with delight when he saw that Buzz had finally arrived. He happily ate dinner and played with his toy.

285.3 hours later, Justin stopped playing with Buzz and moved on to another toy.

Here is the lesson – it’s easier to score heroin than a Buzz.

3 thoughts on “They call me Ishmael (but you can call me Daddy.)

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