Traditionally, this website has been about Justin and his crazy escapades with “daddy”. However, this posting will be a little different – this content is not for children, the language may be a little graphic, and the only person who is embarrassed by this is me. Enjoy!
As many of you know, GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) and I love Justin. We love him so much that we’re trying to make another one of him. However, after a few months of failed attempts, GWE decided that we needed to take a more clinical approach and have doctors check us out to make sure that we are not broken. I have no problem with this. GWE has gone in twice to have blood tests and that’s a big deal for someone who doesn’t like needles! The LEAST I could do was make a donation of my own! 🙂
However, as I’ve explained to GWE, it’s possible that the reason we have not been successful is that we repeatedly attempt to “git ‘er done” AFTER long, stressful, and exhausting days. It’s also tough to get excited about this after I’ve spent the last remaining hours of my day rough-housing with Justin only to end up getting kicked in the groin. (see “Family Jewels” posting). And “baby making” sex is not romantic….at all. I feel like a marathon runner who has no idea when the race will begin, but knows that at any time the starter pistol will be fired and I’m expected to be “up-to-speed.”
So, here is my experience….I walked into the doctor’s office last week and was immediately handed a form to fill out. Many of the statements, questions, and requests would have made me laugh hysterically if I were an immature teenager. Sadly, I am an immature adult and I did laugh out loud. And, this being the 21st century, I also had my cell phone on me and took a picture of the document to show to my friends. Many of these statements are as follow:
1) Semen samples are collected by masturbation. (Gee, thanks for that tip! Let me mention here that this “donation” cost me $125.00. If I were in Vegas, I’m fairly certain that for that amount of money – someone would have provided a service to get the semen out of me!)
2) Before producing the specimen, wash hands and penis with soap and water. (Because nothing turns me on more that washing my kibbles and bits in a cold, porcelain sink with the pink soap that can also be found in the bathroom at Dodger’s Stadium.)
3) Keep the container upright and at room to body temperature during transportation. (This phrase is probably here because some idiot decided that it may be wise to put his specimen in the freezer for preservation only to have a family member open the freezer, take it out, and mistake if for Freeze-Dried, Space Ice Cream.)
4) Collection Method: A) By Masturbation B) By Other…explain. (Yes, please explain to me how you got that sample without masturbation! Are you The Amazing Kreskin?!?)
After I filled out the appropriate paperwork and paid the fee, I was invited into a private room for some alone time. The room was small and contained a sink, a TV/DVD combo, a cabinet, and a slightly reclined “Love Seat.” While giving me a few simple instructions (none of which I can actually remember) I watched the nurse take out what looked like a durable potty cover that could be found in any public rest room and then she placed it gingerly on the sofa. At that moment, the reality hit me that hundreds if not thousands of strange men have masturbated on that spot. To me, this was no longer “The Love Seat” – it was now “The Slut Chair.” It had been around the block and when I finished it would probably think to itself, “Eh, I’ve had better.”
I was then told that the pornographic movie in the DVD player was already running and all I needed to do was turn the television on when the nurse left. She then told me “good luck” with a smile and closed the door. I got as comfortable as possible (in this situation) turned on the television and started to watch the movie.
You should know – I like porn! I really do and I’m not ashamed about it. I’ve seen A LOT of it (thank you internet). And, you know when you’ve seen A LOT of it? It’s when you have the realization that you just watched something that you never wanted to see and now it’s too late because you just saw it. Didn’t realize that was a midget? Too bad, you just saw it. Didn’t realize they were doing it in a horse stable for a reason? Too late, you just saw a horse penis!
However, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to watch – 80’s porn! That’s right, porn from the decade before hair removal! First of all, I’m fairly certain that the doctor’s wife chose this particular movie because the dude in the movie had MUCH more screen time than the unattractive, overweight woman he was trying to have sex with. There was so much hair – it was like watching two Wookies have sex. Second, there was “mood lighting.” In an attempt to make it seem like this couple was having sex at night, someone decided that it would be a good idea to flood the set with a blue light. So now – it’s like watching two characters out of “Avatar” having sex. And third, (and weirdest of all) the porn had a soundtrack! It was orchestral and continued to build in intensity (totally blocking out the sounds of the two blue, hairy beasts attacking each other – um, I mean “making love.”) Even the music seemed to suggest to me, “Hurry up, finish, and get the fuck out of here!” AND…. in order to not disturb the other patients, I was required to wear headphones. (Yes, you read that right.)
There I was with my pants around my ankles, watching ‘80s porn, specimen cup in one hand, my “friend” in the other hand, wearing massive headphones, while sitting on a paper napkin in “The Slut Chair”. I had two very clear thoughts at that moment: 1) This reminded me a lot of the final moments of “Clockwork Orange” and, 2) “I hope I don’t die. I would hate to be discovered like this.”
And finally, the worst part of all….
They must have had the DVD player on all day. When I started watching there was only 2-3 minutes left. Then, it started rolling into the credits. Then, the DVD player had to restart the DVD. Then, it had to run though upcoming titles. Then, it had to run the opening credits. Then finally, the DVD started again! What should have taken me just a few minutes to get done now took me 30 minutes because I was waiting for the damn DVD!! I’m certain the nurses were outside my door playing “rock, paper, scissors” to see who would have to check on me.
I’m sure you’re probably asking yourself, why didn’t I just go up to the dvd player and push the buttons?? Good question! I tried that and it seems as though the doctor’s office doesn’t trust their patients with the porn because there was a clear plastic shield (with a lock) preventing me from doing anything to the DVD player!
In the end, I finally made my “donation” and left the container in their lab to be checked. The doctors are probably examining my sperm under a telescope right now and trying to figure out why my swimmers look embarrassed. After this experience, I’m fairly certain that everything is fine and both GWE and I are just being overly cautious. However, I know that if I ever have to do this again – I’m bringing my own butt cushion and I’m calling ahead with my porn requests!!